"don't be a hard rock when you truly are a gem"

I remember being in 9th or 10th grade, in my biology class, sitting next to my best friend during high school, Trey, and telling him about the "new" cd that I had just got: The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I remember listening to that cd over and over again in my room...singing all the lyrics.

I brought out that cd again after hearing one of the songs during my workout sessions with some friends. Since then I've been listening it to a lot. Some of the things that Lauryn Hill talks about are so true, and really applies to my life right now.

Approaching the last two weeks of this Lenten journey, I've had a bunch of mixed feelings. I'm excited by the progress that I have made in these last 6 weeks, but I also realized at my last weigh in that I couldn't possibly meet my goal of 22% body fat. I would have to lose 5% in one week, and the most I ever lost was 3.7%.. It would just be impossible and quite a miracle if the end result is that.

Each week God has taught me more and more about who I am and some of my characteristics. This week ties in with another Lauryn Hill song "That Thing". She says:

"don't be a hard rock when you truly are a gem"

I feel like this is something that I constantly have to lay down. While I am a very sensitive person, I think for the most part, and I've had a lot of people tell me this too, that I'm a pretty strong person. I can honestly say that I TOTALLY agree. I'm not trying to be cocky or arrogant, but I can definitely say that I've had a lot of disappointments in my short years of life. That's what I did a lot when I was growing up, I had many, MANY dreams....and unlucky enough a lot of them ended in disappointments. In some ways I think it's jaded me a bit because I don't find myself dreaming too much now a days. But I do believe that all of these disappointments have given me a strong backbone and a strong determination. If you say that I can't do something, I'll prove it to you that I can.

And as I see myself as a hard rock, I think I need to not take myself too seriously. I truly am a gem in Christ and I don't think I value myself as a true gem. I think most of the time I'm just focusing on trying to get through the day....and I ignore the character qualities in myself that God has purposely put there.

Another thing that I've been focusing on a lot is the power of words. What do I really mean when I'm talking with other people? Do my words accurately express what I really mean? Am I more positive or negative? I've been noticing this with my husband more too. While I know I'm not the most positive person in the world, I try to tell him--"okay let's not think negatively about this"--"positive vibes please". While I think this new meal plan during the Lenten season may have slimmed my waste line, I think it's also improved my thought patterns and how Matty and I communicate. Okay....now for the final results....eck!

....you know it's hot....don't forget what you've got....

So this past week was a pretty big bummer on the calipers...I was so discouraged when I walked out of that weigh in. I felt like everything that I had done that week was an actual waste. Only down 0.6%--are you kidding me?

I had a lot of individuals tell me--well you're going to plateau sometime right? You can't be strong every week. But the problem was that I wanted to be strong every week--not so much in the results area--but knowing that I worked hard each and every moment of each and every day. I knew that I didn't. I was losing endurance and determination.

I reflected back on my food chart. I counted the many many days where I only drank one Nalgene bottle instead of three (32 ounces to 96-wow). I counted the fruit I had last week compared to the weeks before (9 fruits to 4). I counted my focus compared to the weeks before (blah, blah, blah--to concentration!) I had a lot of areas to improve on this next week.

After examining my workouts and consumption, I started to examine my prayer life. I began to realize that subconsciously I really thought that I had learned everything that God wanted to teach me through Lent. After I downsized, my super sized head--I realized I still had a lot to learn and that God would never stop teaching me things--especially when I have a ginormous head that needs to be shrinked!

LORD:
"These people say, 'This time has not yet come for the LORD's house to be built."
LORD--to--> Haggai
"Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?"
LORD:
"Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."
LORD:
"Give careful thought to your ways. Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the LORD. "You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why? declares the LORD Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house."
Haggai 1: 2-9

I've been slowly reading through the books of the bible, chapter by chapter. It's no coincidence when you read a section of the bible and it relates perfectly to your life. It was planned just for that day.

I began to realize that this is what I had done last week--I had focused on getting results in my own house (my body), but I hadn't been focusing on Christ and HIS house. The results that he wanted to see in and through me.

I'm reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I'm just a few pages in, but I've also realized that I don't understand the Holy Spirit too well. In his book, he posts, "If the Holy Spirit moves, nothing can stop Him. If he doesn't move, we will not produce genuine fruit. No matter how much effort we expend....We are not all we were made to be when everything in our lives and churches can be explained apart from the work and presence of the Spirit of God."

I'm tired of explaining myself apart from the work and presence of the Spirit of God. It's time for more change...more fruit. I know the Holy Spirit is in me...
I know it's hot, and I need to stop forgetting the power that I've got...

week 4 slump

It's already been the end of the 4th week and it's just now hitting me that I was in a workout slump. It's Wednesday, a couple of hours before I'm supposed to weight in for the following week, and already I'm feeling pretty lousy when looking at my workout chart. I didn't cheat for the fourth week in a row, but I don't feel very proud of the workouts and the workout times that I've put effort into this week. I had one "final workout" last evening that made me feel really good about myself but for the previous 6 days....things were pretty bad.

Last evening, after working 8 hours at my normal job, and then working 3 more at the library, I came home feeling very sluggish (because I didn't have my 4th meal on time) and because it was just a long day. I didn't want to do a workout video and I really didn't want to run, BUT I knew that if I didn't workout today my total break days were going to end up being a total of 3 when I promised that it would never go over 2. So Matt and I hit the pavement. We've been running 2.3 miles about every other day or so, so I felt particularly challenged to push myself since I slacked off the entire week. We decided to run the 5K path that is mapped out directly in front of our house by the city. (oh how convenient). We hit the stop watch at 9:00 p.m. exactly and started off. It was dark..I mean really dark. Every crossing and curb I was nervous that a car wouldn't see us and smack us right in the knees. We go to Wenger Road....went up the slight hill.....ran down Union on the LOOOONG bike path, by the ice cream /custard parlor that boasted "1 more day till opening season" (thinking ohh...I'd like to stop there right now) and then through the creepy cemetary, down National and onto Wolf. Once we hit Wolf we both sprinted...anything to keep those seconds from clicking. We ran our 5K together, finishing together at 30:50. The first time EVER. I didn't stop, I didn't get frustrated when Matthew ran in front of me way ahead, I didn't get frustrated when he stopped and I ran ahead without him, and I didn't get frustrated when he tried to talk with me. We ran the race together and we finished strong. This is the first time I've ever ran a 5K course, competition or not, without stopping. Plus I shaved 3 minutes off of my time. All I can say is I was mighty proud of myself.

I had a run in at work yesterday that made me think about the past week and my relationship with Christ. Since it's Lenten season and this is the first time I've ever taken this seriously-- my goal has been to learn and glean from Christ what he wants to teach me during this time. Coming up to the end of the week and after having this run in, I realized I hadn't prayed much about any lessons I needed to learn. I think subconsciously I thought God was finished teaching me. But I've realized that He desires for me to be disciplined in EVERY area of my life at all times. A successful life isn't successful unless you are aware at all moments.

I've realized that I need to watch my tongue on many different occasions. I've realized that the things I am choosing to do with my health are my business, and while I want to share in community with others, the workplace isn't the appropriate place to do so, even if they are my friends outside of work. God is teaching me to continually guard my heart, to analyze and look at my surroundings, what people are saying to me, and what I am saying to others. I'm realizing that I need to be intentional with setting up healthy boundaries and walls within the work place and also in my life outside of work. What I may or may not be doing that is working for me, may or may not be working for others. Continually guarding and balancing myself. I don't think I'll ever master this, but God is showing me that this is a skill that I definitely need to work on sharpening. The workplace isn't the best place to share a lot about yourself....I'm here to do a job, and to work at serving Jesus with my whole heart. Community will be found outside of work, maybe with the people I work with, maybe not.....







He is continually creating new life....which my flowers outside popping through the soil keep reminding me....plus Moey and his silly antics and overall cuteness remind me as well.

....now back to the pavement....

keep pressin on

So 2 weeks have passed...and still eatin' Paleo. I've been learning more and more as I take a more closer look at my health, my diet, and the way that I view eating in general.

Wednesdays are the days where we strip down to shorts and a tanktop, (leave the socks on cause the bathroom floors creep me out), hop on that scale and see if any damage has been done from the way you've lived the past 7 days. This past week I lost 2 pounds, 3 pounds from the beginning. But miraculously with a lot of weight training, and cardio through running, my body percentages have steadily dropped.

I asked Chastity if I should mentally prepare for a plateau? I don't want something like that stopping me in mid stride. If this is something that will naturally happen like it does on The Biggest Loser, I want to prepare myself for this. She told me that if I'm continually eating my meals with no cheats (which I'm proud to say my only cheat was communion bread on Sunday, and I think Jesus' is okay with that) , and if I continue weight training with cardio, I shouldn't plateau. I guess only time with tell.

Someone that's really been encouraging me through this whole process is my *new* friend Anna. She isn't doing the Paleo meals, but she's definitely doing some tough stuff. She has made a commitment to not eat sugars until June, and no carbs until Easter. She has helped me to stick through it. I have someone to talk to about this who understands cravings and choosing to live a different lifestyle (if only till Easter) and dealing with the negative and sometime hurtful comments that people just have to say. She's been a great source of encouragement for me and hopefully I've encouraged her a bit through her journey as well. She's also encouraged me through the struggle of Matt trying to find a job. Their struggles are somewhat similar, although different. She has said so many times "we need to focus more on the giver, than the gift." Or another one is "Are you seeking Jesus' face, or just his hand?" I'm not exactly sure how to do one and not the other, but I'm confident that because I'm asking Jesus how to seek his face and not his hand, and to focus on him as the giver instead of the gifts he would like to give us, I know he'll tell me in due time. I just need to keep spending time with him and he'll let me know. I'm confident in this.

My husband has also been encouraging me, although he hasn't changed his eating habits at all. Although sometimes he'll have tator tots, or ice cream right in front of me (and sometimes he teases me about it) he has done nothing but encourage me. Just the other day we hugged in the morning as he was walking out the door and he stopped and said "woah! that was a skinny hug!" Those type of things keep me going and give me joy that lasts throughout the day.

It's also fitting that Lent is during spring time. New things are growing, I'm getting slimmer. New life is sprouting outside, I feel like a new life is sprouting in my spirit. God makes all things new. He creates new life with new circumstances. He promises that....and the little birds on Moey and I's walk each morning reminds me of that. Sometimes I feel like God has written them a special song to sing just for me....

"You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you. This new life brings you the true knowledge of God." Colossions 3:10

One week down, 5 more to go

I didn't think I would have good results...I was fearing that all of my hard work, the many pounds lifted, the sweat lost and the 100 ounces of water each day, the comfort foods denied--would all be a waste. BUT, I was wrong. Here is my reported scores after week 2. I walked away from that weigh in pretty proud of myself, but also knowing that the next 5 weeks would leave a tough road to be traveled.

I've learned two major things this past week with modifying what I have been eating, and also with denying the use of Facebook that I thought I would share with all of you out there in the blogosphere.

With facebook, I've had many instances where I have had such a strong craving to get online. I started to analyze those situations and try to get at the root of why I wanted to get online so badly. My studying revealed that the only reason why I wanted to get on facebook was because I wanted to see what others were doing. At first I didn't think this was so bad---I wanted to catch up with my friends, see how their lives were going and some of the things they were doing on the weekends. I asked myself--why do I care? Sure, I feel out of the loop with their events....but seriously why do I care what they are doing? And I quickly realized that the reason I care so much is--I wanted to compare what they were doing with what Matt and I were doing. How absurd!!! My time on facebook has boiled down to comparisons, comparisons that usually left me feeling pretty deflated and pretty boring. Definitely not something that God has for me and wants me to focus my heart upon day in and day out.

With eating I've noticed that I'm going back to the basics. Why do I eat in the first place? What is the point of eating certain foods and omitting others? Ultimately do I eat foods for pleasure or for nourishment? This is such a positive thing to think about as I am craving certain foods and learning to modify what I allow to be put into my body.

With this season of Lent, I've noticed as well the different changes that are occuring in my surroundings. With the season of spring approaching, I've tried to slow down a bit and notice what is happening in nature. Just walking in the backyard with Moey as he does his business, has allowed me to see the new life that is springing up all around me. Soon winter will be over, life will be sprouting, and I'll be a little bit lighter. YES!