significance

I've been struggling the last couple of weeks with the thought of : Is my life really making a difference in others lives? Is what I spend the majority of my time doing, really helping other people in any way? My entire life, I've always resorted back to this question. There are times when I can't deny the fact that I am making a difference in others lives. But then in my lower valleys of life, I always have to reevaluate what I'm actually doing on this big blue-green planet. Seriously, what am I doing??

I've been grappling with this question after something was said in front of me in passing. It was said by a person of leadership in my realm of influence and sent me into a tailspin on many different occasions when I let it get to me. It was said that certain people with "potential" were invited to take part in a group of intense discipleship. I remember sitting there thinking---"so what does this say about me?" I've rolled around this thought in my head of "do I even have potential?" When I honestly take a look of the situation and I talk things over with my Jesus, I realize that I probably wouldn't want to be involved in that type of situation to begin with. But there is something inside of me that craves to be included. Craves to be seen as someone that could change the world. Craves to have a life when it is all said and done that had "potential" and a calling. But am I that kind of person with those kind of qualities? One one particular down day, I was sitting with Moey in the backyard. He was frolicking around in the backyard in our tall grass that was up over his head. We had to let it grow because there were spring flowers growing in the midst of the tall stalks. I couldn't wait to have it mowed down because it reeked of snakes and wild animals. Moey in particular loved to run and romp in the grass. He came running up to me on the back steps and I saw something gray on the tiny hairs of his belly. I looked close and to my astonishment was a small, tiny, baby snail hanging on for dear life to his fur. I gently peeled him off, which Moey didn't even notice this snail was taking a hitchhiking ride on his under side. I gently put him on the concrete of the back steps and just stared in amazement at this little creature. ... ... ...

God created him...

He took notice of him...

and He cares for him...

So I may not be significant or have potential in some people's eyes....but I AM significant in my Creator's Eye. Praise Him!

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." 1 Peter 5:7

I can honestly say that this past month has been full of so many highs and so many lows. With the Paleo challenge and Lent ending on Easter April 4, normal American food has been brought back into my diet. I've been eating things that I hadn't eating in over 46 days, my workouts have still been happening, but I take day breaks in between. I've been working a lot more between the Avenue and the library. Things have changed very quickly and very drastically and I feel like I'm just hanging on....

One morning in particular was real bad, or at least it started off that way. I was having a pretty crummy morning. And for the days before, I wasn't having any luck with anything that I put my hand to. I did my devotions that morning and cried out to God--"Lord, please just show me one nugget of truth today that I'm not a complete failure in everything that I'm trying." I read--silence. Nothing. So I moved on.

I saw down to blow dry my hair--don't cry Kim. Did my makeup--don't cry Kim, you definitely don't want to mess this all up after you just did it." Got in the car and drove to work and I just let the tears fall--I couldn't hold them in much longer. Got to work, sat at my desk and opened my emails, after avoiding everyone because I didn't want to have to answer any questions. I saw an email from Chastity, the trainer that did our Paleo challenge. I kept reading and down at the bottom it said this:

" You winner is....Kim Brubaker. I know she stays hiding out over at the Avenue during the day, but Kim has made great changes and continues to do so. Her accountability partner was Cheryl B, who I know, kept up on her and made sure she was staying Paleo clean and working out. Kim has been coming to the Avenue to do workouts by herself, which is incredibly hard to stay motivated and disciplined to do. Her food was continually spot on during the challenge. She would bring it in for me to see and make altercations to. Kim, your hard work is inspiring!! Congrats!"

I couldn't believe it! I WON! All the hard work payed off! I had won $100, and also a month of membership to Practice CrossFit in Troy (valued at $150). I couldn't believe that something that I had put my hand to had finally brought success in my life!

I've been going to CrossFit for the past 3 weeks now. I have 10 days left in my one month membership and I've already seen drastic results in my body shape. I'm hoping to have my body measurements taken again at the end of the month trial to see if I did in fact make my goal of 22% body fat. But through it all, even with the consistency of my workout, and trying to eat Paleo clean, I feel as if I'm on a rocking ship, just trying to stay on board.

Last Wednesday was a day of losing my "final straw". Matt heard back from two different schools that week that neither of them wanted to hire him for full time employment. I heard it right before I was going to CrossFit and I did absolutely terrible at that practice. On the drive back I couldn't help but just cry. "Why again God?" "You say you have all of these plans for each of us, but we feel like we're just hitting dead ends." "What are we doing wrong?"....Silence...

Before all of this shook down, Matt and I were over at my grandparents house having lasagna. We were sitting around the table, all finished with our meals. Somehow the topic of my great grandma Helen came up. My grandma Jean said "I hope I leave an imprint like her someday. Here we are, 10 years after her death and we're still remembering and talking about her legacy. I hope I am remembered that way." she then went on to say "I remember when Pat (my grandma's sister) was dying from cancer. The day that she died, Grandma Helen went into her room at her house and held Aunt Pat and told her over and over again--it's okay Pat to let go--go and be with Jesus." Later that day, my Aunt Pat died. My grandma said that she didn't remember my grandma Helen crying at all. But she didn't have resentment or anger towards God either. She had the kind of faith to know that Aunt Pat was with Jeuss, and that was that.

I've been thinking about that now that this tragedy has once again occurred in our lives. How do you get faith like that? How do you stay strong when God is silent? How do you keep believing when you don't even believe that God has a plan for you anymore? Everyone keeps saying--well it happened for a reason, and I do believe that, but what do you do with the feelings of pain and disappointment that still linger? How can you be happy for others when they are continually succeeding time and again, when you're just here, waiting? In the silence...?