Since my last post, I have been aching to take a few moments to write....the urge to just sit and contemplate my life in it's entirety, is literally seeping out of every pore of my body....Life has been real busy these past few months. For weeks in a row I would spend every evening AFTER work Tuesday-Friday either meeting in groups, serving our students at our youth events, or making some effort to take care of my already failing, out of control body. With all the busyness I've been racked with guilt for all the things that I know are important and should be important to me that need to be a priority, but the time is just NOT there. I've been running at full speed winding up at the end of the day exhausted and overall not an impressive person to be around. I've been cranky, unloving, and just bitter.
I can tell quite quickly when my life needs to slow down and be re-examined. The month of February has been a month of struggles and frustrations, and I'm sure will continue into March. I've got a lot of pent up junk in this battlefield of my mind. But with God's help, I will overcome. Just like the tulips and hyacinths that are popping through the soil now, God makes all things new. I'm time for new growth.
I was made aware of the need for simplicity just this past week. I was in the grocery store, the epitomy of hurridness and frustration. I had a time limit of 60 minutes in at Krogers and had a lot to get, with the use of coupons which always slows me down. To add to the frustration, I ran into a person from my past that totally me caught off guard. We had one of those moments where you stare at each other, a few moments pass as you try to figure out who they are, and then it's gone (and you're secretly hoping that they do not remember where they know you from). Not a word uttered, which was COMPLETELY fine. I totally did not want to have a "catch-up chat" with this person. But I found myself flustered the rest of the grocery trip. I continually found myself looking down the aisle before I ventured down it. I did not want another ackward moment with this person. Along with the surprise, a rush of feelings from that time that I thought I had resolved came like a flood, washing over me. Feelings from 6-8th grade! Are you kidding me....I thought those were resolved YEARS ago---like 13 years ago. But obviously I hadn't. One more reminder from my sweet Jesus that my mind is a battlefield, and Satan will use anything to take me down, anything.
The script continues......I'm getting ready to check out.
I've got about 10 coupons, money I want to add to a gift card so that SISCA get's 4% of my total purchase. How much to add? Mentally add up my total in my head.. Is this enough money? Oh, sir please don't use the (dreadful) plastic bags...here I have my own... Gosh, is it hot in here? My arms aren't moving fast enough! Please don't crush my grapes or drop my apples... Was that run up correctly? Did you get all the coupons? Did you scan them too fast that they didn't ring up? MAN...it is so hot in here! Is it just me? I should have taken off my coat along time ago! Okay...I didn't put enough money on the card--those grapes were more expensive that I thought. Okay here's $2 more dollars. I should have got a bigger cart, please don't shove the bag on top of the other bag just to fit. Okay!!!! Thank you---have a great day!
Then I walk to the car and just sit there after putting my bags away. That was the most intense 4 minutes of my life......I don't need this stress.
When did a grocery shopping trip become so stressful? Is it seriously worth all this? Yes, I need to buy food for my family, but why such a rush? Who cares about the pressure of the person behind me. It's not healthy for me. And why can't grocery stores have more personal service like they used to. Where the customer is valued, and it's not about getting people through the line so quickly. Why don't you hire more cashiers so people don't have to rush!
But I feel through it all, God was speaking to me.....come to me child, for I will give you rest. Tell me your concerns....you haven't been talking to me like you used to. I miss the real you....
So here's to slowing down, allowing new growth to happen by talking with my Jesus, and letting him take the reigns...
"I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go" --Francesca Battistelli
