New York City Day 1

"To my dearest wife, Love them. As you leave remember to love those you see and meet with. Show them the passion and gentleness of Jesus. I am faithful you will leave a mark on those people you come in contact with. Do not be afraid or worrysome, there are no reason for them. You will have a great time and enjoy getting to know the high school girls. They might have been going to New York for the Lord to show them something. You belong there this week! Love it....Love them...I love you!"
**a bookmark Matthew gave me before the trip that gave me alot of strength out on the field...

Just a couple days ago, Wednesday December 02, 2009, I loaded a bus full of 34 high school students and 6 other adults leaders, headed to New York City for the Ginghamsburg Student Ministry 2009 NYC mission trip. I had some fear, but I had a whole lot of excitement.

I've always loved New York City. It's like the song goes..."New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do, in New York, New York, New York!!!" There's always been something magical to me about New York City. The city just looks so different than any other city that I've been to. It even smells different.

I had some mixed feelings approaching this trip. With my job, I usually interact with middle school students. My involvement with the high school students, let alone the juniors and seniors is very limited. I usually only see then pass through my office headed to Nick's. I have a very hard time trusting and connecting with people that I don't know. How am I going to connect with these students? In a city that I haven't been to in 10 years?

How am I going to love the people of NYC when I've found my life for the past couple of years has been focused on myself and the problems and circumstances that have faced Matthew and I for the first four years of our marriage. Honestly, my last mission trip was to Amsterdam, Holland...that was 4 years ago. My mind hasn't been in the spirit of serving people of a different city. Lord how am I going to do this?

But God is always good....he supplies all of our needs...and he's in the work of changing peoples hearts....more to come soon....stay tuned

...the love of grandparents unites all things....

"To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life. But to feel the affection that comes from those whom we do not know, from those unknown to us, who are watching over our sleep and solitude, over our dangers and our weaknesses--that is something still greater and more beautiful because it widens our the boundaries of our being, and unites all living things." Pablo Neruda, From "Childhood and Poetry"

I never knew my great grandfather, Earl Hunt. He passed away when I was too little to remember anything about him. I remember when I was a child, I would look at his pictures and sit very still and try to go back into the recesses of my brain to just see if I could remember anything about thim. My mind would always go blank, except for the many wonderful things that I was told about him. I feel that I knew my grandmother, Martha Helen Hunt as well as I possibly could at the time. She passed away when I was 15, and althought I think I knew a good portion about her, when I think about how well I know my grandmother at this time in my life, my interest in my great grandmother pales in comparision to the knowledge I have of my grandparents now. What a treasure I lost by a lack of interest. From everything that has been spoken about my great grandparents, their love for each other, and their love for Jesus, books couldn't contain the amazing qualities of both of them.

From what I have been told, my great grandma wanted to be a missionary. She was 18 at the time, had her bags packed and was ready to leave and my great-great grandfather wouldn't let her go. He refused. I think she saw her dreams quickly fading and went through a sort of hell. She didn't know what she wanted to do besides this. She met a man named Earl, found herself pregnant with my grammy and was quickly a bride and new wife. As far as I know, she never found herself on the mission field. BUT one thing is for certain, her love for Jesus never faded. He had a hold of her heart and wasn't letting go.

My great grandmother used to tickly my back and read to me when I would spend time at her house. She always had lemon drops, piano scrap paper and the best books. She would play with my hair as I would suck my thumb on her lap. She would lightly "tickle" my back and read me a Sesame Street book. The last page of this book had Big Bird being handed a tigerlily flower by one of his friends. To this day, this is my favorite flower and was the reason I carried a bouquet of these down the isle on my wedding day. It reminds me of my great-grandmother.

She was the first person who introduced me to Christ. I had always grown up knowing the bible stories and that Jesus loved me. But she was the one that put salvation into words. The love that she had for others showed the love of Jesus. She made Jesus real to me. My granny Jean made Jesus real. And my mother made Jesus real. Great Grandma was the leading examply of strong Godly women. What more could a child ask for?

She used to sit her chair and knit. And crochet. And knit some more....

My great-grandmother has been gone over 10 years. A couple of months back, my grandma was going through her attic. She found a bunch of my grandmothers yarn in a huge box. She asked me if I would like to have it. The other alternative was that it was either going to be donated, or it was going in the trash. Being the eco-friendly person that I am I couldn't see it heading to the dump. We took it home after one visit. It sat in the upstairs bedroom for many months, not being touched.

Then one day a 8th grade student at Merge, our student youth group, had an idea to start a knitting party at the Avenue. She had a big dream to get a group together to knit hats for those in the Dayton area who were homeless. Many times that dream was ignored but she persisted. I caught wind of the idea and I felt the spirit moving...Kim....you have a bunch of yarn with your great grannies name all over it. She wants you to use this for good.....Jesus wants you to use this for good.....

Needless to say, we had our first knitting party last Saturday. We had over 18 girls attend to learn and fellowship with one another. We had 7 adult women come to help. Over 2/3 of my great-granny's yard was taken by 13 and 14 year olds. To knit for the.....homeless.

I know that my great-grandmother would be proud of each and EVERY one of these wise ladies knitting for those individuals that are so close to Jesus' heart. It makes me even more grateful that I was one of those ladies at one time, sitting on my great grannies lap, having my back tickled and the love of Jesus being showered over me while I was spending time with my great grandmother. What I wouldn't give to know her now......

the smell of new colored pencils

it's been some time since I last wrote....when I'm in the midst of doing my daily tasks my mind is usually consumed by a million different thoughts and ideas. Many times things hit me like a ton a bricks and I say...."I need to blog about that." But then days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and the ideas have passed. I've even begin to write it on my calendar to blog, but those days have come and gone. today's gonna be different.....

.... Matt lost his job last spring as a result of his school downsizing and since Matt only had one year seniority, he was the first to go. We hoped and prayed all summer that when fall would hit, he would be blessed to have a full time teaching job again. It's been two years since that happened. And his dream of being a full time public high school teacher has still been unfulfilled. But we're learning. We both were dreading going through the subbing motions once again. Sometimes I even think I dreaded it more than he did and he was the one doing it. The nervousness of possibly not getting called the next day can really send you into a tailspin. Will I have work tomorrow and the next day?.... ...But one thing I'm learning is to be grateful for EVERY moment...

I was taking Moey on his walk one day last week. It was a chilly fall morning. The clock had just struck 8 a.m. and Moey was stretching on our bed. He scratches his eyes a bit with his "teradactle" paws, sticks his tongue out as far as it can go as I urge him : "come on moey....time to get up sleepy head" (he actually sleeps longer than we do) I grab my shoes, sit on the tile kitchen floor why he does his yoga stretches to warm up.... I grab my red coat with my red ear warmers. I already have red pants on so I look like a big RED crayon walking down the road. Grab the pooper scooper bag, stick his head through the harness and off we go. .. It's time to walk the neighborhood!

This particular morning Moey decided to smell EVERY leaf he could possibly get to. These particular mornings can somewhat be stressful because the wind just starts to pick up when he decides to smell something and you're left catching the breeze at full force. I turned down the cul-de-sac (as we didn't have much time this morning), made him walk on the other side of the road because that one particular house has a dear older lady who likes to feed cats (which in turn leaves big piles in the yard that Moey thinks is dessert) and we make our way back the road. After eating several worms, avoiding a dead bird, and stopping for a squat we head back the way we came after we circled around. Mind you this walk was pretty frustrating. I hadn't spent my time with Jesus that morning, I was already feeling rushed, I was cold....and it seemed like a lot of things were on my plate. I was just S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D. My love for Mr. Mo just wasn't able to conquer my frustrations that morning.

On the corner of that cul-de-sac though, is a man that I've seen around town a lot since we've lived at our place. He has always been so nice and will always wave as he walks by our house to the library. He was outside raking his leaves and putting them in a big pile at the side of the road for the city workers to come pick up. He's deaf. I've known this since the first time I waved and exchanged words with him. It never made me feel differently about him. This was just part of who he was. He looked up at me, smiled at Moey and then said "Good morning! How are you doing?" To which I replied. "I'm good, How are you doing?" But by the time "I'm" came out of my mouth, he had already looked down and was continuing to rake. I felt like I just got slapped across the face. Not because of what could be assumed as him being rude from others, but because God got right in my face to say:

"What are you complaining about?"

Instantly tears sprung to my eyes.

I have NOTHING to be ungrateful for.

I have NOTHING to complain about.

I have NO IDEA the struggles that this man has had to face because he can't hear the birds sings.....the leaves crunching with each swipe of the rake...

Since that day, I've been trying to look at things from the perspective of being grateful. No longer do I say "God this really sucks that Matt doesn't have a consistent job right now" Those words have been transformed into--

God I THANK YOU that through this trial you are transforming my husband into the man that you desire him to be.

I THANK YOU that you're working in our marriage to where money isn't our focus anymore.

I THANK YOU that my husband isn't desiring a job anymore for STATUS or to buy MORE things.

God I THANK YOU for my job, even though it's challenging at times.

I THANK YOU for this very breath that I take....and may that breath be full of your spirit and not just dead air that lacks joy and gratefulness, peace and sustinance.

I THANK YOU Jesus for being patient with me....and willing to work out my own kinks....

I have NOTHING to be UNGRATEFUL for....

Gratefulness is like newly sharpened colored pencils wrapped in a bouquet...the look and smell is so wonderful you don't want to grab one and start using it cause you know you'll mess it up....

I'll start this blog off by first saying that the true nature of my postings come from my life experiences, things that I've been rolling around in my head, and things I've pondered on lately and throughout my life. I've been thinking about something for the last couple of weeks, because I've had many situations in many different locations on this exact topic. It's made me questions the things that I say and the way that things are taken by others.

I've had two things said to me repeatedly throughout my life by many different people that are in my realm of influence. One being "You're too sensitive, lighten up!" and the other being "You need to grow thicker skin." These two comments have bothered me to the core of my being my entire life. I've been spending the last two weeks coming before the Lord each and every day asking him to guide my thoughts and feelings. I truely believe that he knows my deep thoughts, that he cares for them, and that if I only ask, he will sort those feelings out in my heart and make my head understand them.

I've always been very offended by "you're too sensitive". I feel like it takes a very courageous but obnoxious person to say that to another individual. I'm sensitive because that is the way that GOD MADE ME. In previous blogs I've spoke about this very issue because it courses through my life continually. I feel that our society doesn't appreciate sensitivity in others because it causes them to realize their lack of it and also it inconvientes them because they have to think of someone else. Why is being sensitive such a bad thing....it's way better that being callous.

I've also been offended when individuals have told me that I need to grow thicker skin. When I look at this statement, I feel like there is a lot of secular thinking involved. It involves having the characteristic of being sensitive and not being callous to the world around you. It makes me questions "why should I grow thicker skin just so you can have the joy of putting someone else down?" What is the benefit of having thicker skin?....so we can joke around in a way that isn't honoring to Jesus?

As Matt and I were driving down to the Jeffersonville Outlet Mall last Saturday afternoon I spent some much needed time in the car thinking about my past week at work, and my interacts that week with specific people outside of work. I love the people I work with, but sometimes it's just difficult being a woman in a workplace surrounded by men. Sometimes you have some serious personality differences. But as we were driving down I turned to Matt and asked him my hypothetical question of the day: "Do you think Jesus joked around with his friends?" I think it stunned Matt for a moment and then he said "no". I asked him why he thought that and he replied "When you're joking with someone about something they've done, it never raises them up and edifies them. It's usually a put down to make the person telling the joke be elevated while the other shrinks." How true.

I looked up "joke" in the dictionary and this is what one of the meanings said:
something that is amusing or ridiculous, esp. because of being ludicrously inadequate or a sham; a thing, situation, or person laughed at rather than taken seriously; farce

I don't mean to be a downer in the blog, but I've definitely examined my own life and continue to do so each day to check my heart and the words that flow from it. I've come to the conclusion that there are two types of jokes. One type of joke looks at a situation and sees the humor or ridiculous elements in that situation and makes a laugh from it. It's not aimed at a person, but the situation that the person finds themselves in or has purposely put themselves in. The other type of joke is aimed at a person and the character they possess. This is where I believe a joke isn't just a joke anymore. Joking in it's truest essence isn't bad, or wrong, or a sin. But it becomes a sin when it's aimed at another person and their character.

In my quiet times I've prayed intensly for some clarity because many times when I approach the throne of grace I feel so inferior I feel that it is seeping from my pores. I want to know if there are any offenses in my life when God looks at me. He has brought to my attention some verses.

Matthew 12:37
Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can
be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation."

Matthew 15:17
But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the
heart. It's from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments,
murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, lies, and cussing.
That's what pollutes.

I've been memorizing these verses because I feel they are so important for where I work, where I spend my evenings, how I treat my husband and how I interact with others. Out of the heart is where your words flow. So sometimes in situations where I'm being made fun of about who I am and not just the situation I'm in, that's when it stops being a joke anymore. It's out of your heart. It's not something that I just need to grow thicker skin over, or I need to stop being so sensitive. It becomes an issue where we all need to check our heart because it's SIN, not just some lighthearted joke.

This week I've had some major guilt and conviction in my heart for the way that I have treated others by the words that I've said. I'm sorry to those of you that I've said cruel and hurtful things to. Forgive me and Forgive me Jesus!

On Thursday July 16, 2009, Matthew and I celebrated our 4th anniversary of being married. Boy how time has flown by! I still remember exactly how the days felt right after we were married in our house on Grove Street. The sun reflecting and refreacting through our front stained glass window, the air blowing through the giant skinny windows as the sheers blew into the room. Somehow that first year, looking back, was magical. It was also filled with a lot of trials, saddness and working through expectations that we had for one another. Something I've learned clearly these four years is that God's hand is in EVERYTHING. And that he'll work in every situation if you only let him.

I've been learning alot through spending time outdoors lately. We take our pup, Mo, on a walk at the Englewood Metropark at least once a week. On a couple of those adventures, I've been deep in thought as we walked side by side, stopping about every 10 yards for a quick squirt! God started revealing in my heart as I pondered my past experiences that everything, in some way or another was constructed by his hands.

That out of conrol bush over there...yeah God wanted it to grow there..... .......the multicolored miniature leaves forming in that puddle on the side of the trail....yep, he contructed those with the tips of his fingers.......the nasty grub that is crawling in the dirt......he placed it there to eat the harmful organisms growing precisily in that spot.....the wildflowers growing on the crest of the cliff.....those were his polka dots placed where life shouldn't grow. His hand is in everything!

Everything that Matt and I have experienced have been crafted in the palm of his hand. And for those harmful situations---where i struggled to find a job and have contentment for three years....the many times Matt struggled to take his praxis and ultimately get his certification.....the many, MANY fights we had that first year that honestly caused us to scream at each other that we desired to get a divorce more than be married because the pressure was just to much for 23 year olds to bear....he used them to make us who we are today.

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect." 1 Corinthians 15:10

When I study this verse I don't see the "I am what I am" as being something lofty because I know where I could be....and by God's grace thankfully I'm not what I could of been.

I sit in our backyard sometimes and stare at our "spaceship" with all of our perennials. I started to think about what the bulbs look like deep in the earth, and then how radically different the plant looks after it has burst through the soil reaching for the sun. It really doesn't make sense. How do normal round onion like bulbs make hyacinth? How do little twigs make lilies? How do small stems make beautiful roses? How do little round balls turn into beautiful spiky purple pom poms? ....it's the work of God's hands....and it's the work of the plants looking to the only source that can change what they are.

As the sun is for the plants, I have no where else to look but my Savior to see change in my life and my husband's.....as we do our life together....I love you babes and Happy Anniversary!!!

Just because you can?

I've been rolling this around in my brain for some time now....probably about a month. I really believe that God's been pressing on my heart to look at the things that have happened in my past, a deep look, and to see the areas on my heart that I need to surrender to him to have him work through and heal. Sometimes even though surrending the hurt is difficult, the process that healing requires is sometimes harder to go through than the redeption of being healed from the hurt.
When Matthew and I first got married, I had really low self esteem. In most areas of my life today I still do. But when I first got married, it was LOW. I felt great to be his bride, his new wife but I carried around alot of insecurities about who I was. I just had some dreams stripped from my heart, which I can honestly say that I feel like God stripped me of those. I desired to pursue a career in Interior Design so badly....but over the course of my junior and senior year in college I believe God was stripping my heart of that desire. He showed me the materialism in that career. He showed me that sometime individuals that pursue that career are only catering to the "wants" of others through material items. Helping others "keep up with the Jones'". I knew God was pressing on my heart that this wasn't something he did desired for me.
From my perspective now, I can see why. I would of been terrible at this career. God has taken me to a place where I feel, "if you like something, who cares if it's not "fashionable"....put it in your home because YOU like it! Who cares if it doesn't match the thing next to it, or the overall design of the room. If you like it, DO IT! Don't answer to what others think is best....and of course don't buy something just because it's name brand or expensive"
Back to that first year of marriage. I was in a dead end career that I wasn't passionate about. I wanted to contribute to our marriage and because I had so many insecurities I tried just about anything....even MARY KAY. (gasp!) What was I thinking?
I had met a particularly dreadful woman in one of my networking groups through my job. She was an elite Mary Kay salesman....boy was she manipulative......
She tried everything to get me to sell cosmetics....I was strong at first....but over the days and months following....after much persuading with talk of "you'll make this much, and think of what you can do, and yada yada yada" I succomed to the pressure and agreed to be a consultant. Seriously...what was I thinking!? I mean look at me---I almost hate wearing makeup....why did I think I could sell any? I didn't have that much charm. BUT one of the many good things that came out of that experience was I was asked to make a "goal" poster. Since I think I'm a pretty creative person this is what I came up with.
It wasn't just a list on a piece of paper tacted to my wall, it was a collage of all the things I desired for my life at that moment. Some of those things have changed, but some of them listed below I have realized that God has answered.....without the help of Mary Kay.
1. Flowers on my kitchen table every week!

2. A GRAND deposit on our first home!

3. To give my husband the opportunity to go back to school to become a pricipal.

I've been spending alot of time in my backyard lately with the nice weather. I usually take my afternoon coffee, my bible and present book outside to sit on my reclining lawn chair out under the walnut tree. Mr.Mo walks slowly out with me and we sit under the tree, hearing the wind blow through the trees, and I calmly look at my backyard that surrounds me and the blessing of a home that is front of me. Mo and I take a look around and just sigh. God is a GOOD God.

4 years ago I didn't think this would even be possible. Matthew and I started and lived the following three years of our lives together making less that $10 an hour each. College grads....it was such a tough pill to swallow for over three years....many times we felt humiliated and embarrassed. But God taught us something through this. I feel like he was saying to us...you don't NEED anything. I've given you everything you've ever needed. You have a roof over your head, two cars that run perfectly fine, food on your table, money for heat and electric and the ability to be obedient to me and tithe. What are you seriously complaining about?
We saved and worked through it. We watched every penny, I mean every penny. The only thing that we spent money on that we didn't "need" was our cell phone policy (which by the way was the cheapest plan they had and we got free phones to boot!). God taught us a lot through those three years that have carried us to where we are today.

Even though Matthew is struggling to find a job right now, God is still overflowing us with blessings. Depsite it all God gave us the diligence to save our pennies to be able to put a "grand" deposit on our first home. He has provided us a home with an abundance of gorgeous flowers in our backyard. I do get to put fresh flowers on my table each and every week in my home because of the surprise of all the flowers that bloom each and every season. (which were not apparent when we first bought the home...I didn't even know they were there!) And quite possibly Matt will be able to go back to school soon to get his masters. God has answered all of our prayers...even the simple one of flowers on my table. God is always good and he cares for every one of your thoughts.

We're now at a place where we could buy new clothes if we wanted to, as we never did the three years we were saving every penny. We could buy new fixtures for our home. We could buy furniture for upstairs so our relatives don't have to sleep on an air mattress when they come to visit. But the thing that God has put in our hearts is we just "don't have the desire to buy things anymore". Sure the thought of buying new things passes through our head every once in a while....but deep down the things that we do have are good enough for us and our "status". If something isn't broken, why replace it if it works just fine? Why buy something "just because you can?"

Drivers.....Start Your Engines!

This past weekend....after a very long and rainy day working at the library, Matthew and I decided to treat ourselves and actually go on a date for the first time in many, many, MANY months. We hadn't been to the Mansfield Raceway for over two years and right up the road, about 40 miles is a racetrack called Eldora Speedway. We had never been to this track and they were having a Family Fun Night for only $8 admission. We jumped on that price since it usually cost about $20 bones a person for admission. Since the rain had cleared and the sun was trying to peak through the clouds, casting silver linings everywhere, we took Mo for his walk, kissed him farewell, and jumped in the car ready to see some races. Something about the sounds of many car engines reving and getting into gear creates adrenaline rushes thoughout the veins of Matthew and I.

There is something about racing. Now granted, I don't agree with the whole idea of racing. In many ways it seems very hillbillyish to me and when you really think about it, it's a bunch of macho guys going around in a circle.....over and over again. Plus environmentally it's not the smartest idea as it wastes a ton of fuel. But the excitement of a pack of cars, reving their engines, tires spinning, and bumpers bumping creates excitement. Before the official race began with the stock cars the announcer came over the speaker. They offered up a time of prayer. They prayed for our armed forces, for our country and president. They actually said Dear Jesus. This prayer was far from a generic prayer to sooth the mind of drivers and racefans. This announcer meant what he was praying....... Once the prayer was over the announcer asked for everyone to stand as they sang the National Anthem. Before the first line of the song was spoken...the announcer added .....

"And to the greatest country in the world"

..... I almost wanted to sit down. After those words were spoken I felt quite naseaus. Since when did we become the GREATEST country in the world? Since when are we better than any other country? Since when are we, as citizens of the United States better than other citizens? People make up countries....countries aren't countries without people? I'm an American. I love my country. But in no way do I feel that I am better than individuals that live in China, or Holland, or Spain. Do I feel that I have more opportunities because I am an American. oh yeah....but it doesn't make me a better person. When did America because so simple minded....prideful...boastful in their country?

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female,
for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:28

Dear Jesus...may I see the needs of the world through your eyes....may you convict my heart to break over the things that break your heart...may I cry over the things that make you cry....may I smile at the small things that make you smile and may I take notice of the way you are moving....

Suttle Reminders from a Flowerbed

Sometimes I really feel like this is what my face looks like when I step out into the flowerbeds and see all those terrible weeds sprouting their little buds through the fresh damp soil. In the past I have blogged many time about the things that God has whispered into my ear as I struggle, strain, and have my eyes bulging out pulling out thistles. The learning really never stops.

Mondays have now become my day to work out in the yard. I'm trying to get a head start this year, catching the weeds growing at a manageable height so that I don't become overwhelmed and frustrated. My goal is to go out every night of the week that I have off to quickly scan the beds with a spade and bucket in hand. I'm not being unrealistic as I know I'll never completely get rid of these pesky weeds, but I have hope that I'll be able to keep them under control.

As I was pulling out these weeds Monday afternoon, while Mo was tied to the hammock bar and laying soundly asleep on the grass, the sun beating down on my neck, God started whispering again. The breeze was cool on my skin and would send slight chills up my arms as God gave suttle reminders of the effect of weeds in a persons heart.
Mark 4: 20 out of the Message states "But the seed planted in the good earth represents those who hear the Word, embrace it, and produce a harvest beyond their wildest dreams." What is the condition of the soil of my heart? Is it full of rocks and trash, making the seed unable to grow? Do I have thorns and burrs cluttering my heart soil so that the good seed is being chocked out?

As I was pulling up these terrible weeds I started to actually inspect the thistles themselves. Do you realize how ugly these things are? The stem is full of stickers, the leaves are full of stickers.....EVERY centimeter of these weeds are full of stickers!! These stickers were created so that animals and predators would avoid eating the nutrient rich flowers that these weeds produce. These weeds were specifically created to be enemies to every other human being.....hmmm....do I sometimes have an attitude that shoves everyone else away?

As I was pulling up the thistles on the side of the garage in between the tulips I came across one particular thistle that was so stubborn. I pulled and yanked until my eyes literally felt like they were going to bulge out like in the cartoons. Would not move an inch. I reached for the spade, pushed the soil on the top aside and started spiking that spade in the soil. Still no movement. I then grabbed the top of the thistle at the base (that was at least an inch across) pulled once again. Suddenly I heard I ripping in the soil and out came the root. I was shocked when the root surfaced. It was over a foot long. I did some research and found a section view of their root systems compared to other plants. I started to think, "Why are these plants so hideous and their roots so long?" I feel as if God gently spoke again saying quietly to me,
"the ugliness of these plants have been growing for a very long time without anyone knowing about their growth but me. By the time they sprout through the loose soil, they have been going for many days and weeks. What about you Kim, what are you harboring in your heart? What weeds have been growing and growing around your heart choking out all life that you don't think anyone sees? I see them."

Once the side of the garage was finished I moved to the side of the house with the tulips, daffodils and hyacinths. The thistles were growing in between the beautiful flowers and even some were wrapped around the amazing flowers even before they were able to bloom. As I tried to uproot these thistles, accidentaly I uproot the beautiful bulbs. God again whispered, "Some of the things Kim in your life that are good, well because you've let these thistles grow around them, the only way to get rid of them is to uproot the good as well. If only you would of caught these "thistles" when they first started to grow instead of trying to hide them from me."

Lord Jesus, I know that I have many, many things in my heart that are distracting me from living the life that you desire for me. I ask Lord that you'll take the blinders off of my eyes Lord. Help me to see clearly the "thistles" and the type of "thistles" in my heart that are preventing me from being who you desire me to be. Jesus, I know that you have great things for me, but I will never get to experience them if I live in my present state. I know that you desire for me to live a life that is blooming with beautiful flowers, not ugly thistles. Help me to live the kind of life that honors you with a clean heart.

I thought I'd add this quote from the book that I am currently reading ---- "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd. Definitely a good read with some spiritual truth hidden between the pages.

"We walked to the woods beside the pink house with her stories still pulled soft around our shoulders. I could feel them touching me in places, like an actual shawl.
"There is one thing I don't get," I said.
"What's that?"
"How come if your favorite color is blue, you painted your house so pink?"
She laughed. "That was May's doing. She was with me the day I went to the paint store to pick out the color. I had a nice tan color in mind, but May latched on to this sample called Caribbean Pink. She said it made her feel like dancing a Spanish flamenco. I though, 'Well, this is the tackiest color I've ever seen, and we'll have half the town talking about us, but if it can lift May's heart like that, I guess she ought to live inside it."
"All this time I just figured you liked pink," I said.
She laughed again. "You know, some things don't matter that much, Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person's heart--now, that matters. The whole problem with people is--"
"they don't know what matters and what doesn't." I said, filling in her sentence and feeling proud of myself for doing so.
"I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. You know how hard that is, Lily? I love May, but it was still so hard to choose Caribbean Pink. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters."

Can You Really Afford That?

I read in the Dayton Daily News a couple of days ago this article about the $1 trillion stimulus package that was just passed. If you look closely this article shows different scenarios of what a trillion dollars could really purchase. Some examples that were shocking to me were:

• A trillon seconds ago--31688 years ago Neaderthals stalked the plains of Europe.
• If you had gone into business on the day that Jesus was born and your business made a million dollars every day, it would take you until October 2737 to make a trillion dollars.
• According the U.S Treasury, the average taxpayer's adjusted gross income was $58,029 in 2006; at that rate, the taxpayer would have to work 17,232,763 years to make $1 trillion.
• A trillion dollars could give every high school student in the United States a free college education.
• One trillion miles is roughly the distance of 350 trips from Earth to Pluto

And these are just some statistics!!! It's crazy the wealth and lack of wealth that the American people have. We were once considered the richest country in the world! Wealth can be deceiving because I really feel that the American people have alot of wealth but it's not enough. They are hungry for more because they don't know the true meaning of happiness has nothing to do with material possessions or money.

After reading this article I have realized in my own life and also observing others that we are so wealthy even if by American's standards we think we aren't. I have been at fault many times complaining about our income. Complaining about the lack of material possessions. The lack of GOOD paying teaching jobs that help us to plan for our future, but we are SOOO wealthy. Really how accurate is the American standard of wealth anyway? Who are they to define what that is?

I have been trying lately not to describe and complain about our lives. I have tried to take those sentence structures completely out of my language because we are beyond blessed. Problems arise, but God has always provided a way out.

I've been at fault for saying this but I've also observed alot of other around me saying this as well. We say things like, "I really wish we could do this but we just don't have that kind of money" when we're driving around in an almost brand new car, if not a brand new car, one that looks amazing compaired to a junker that hardly runs. We also say things like "when we get into this kind of money we can do this...." but we have cable tv at home that cost anywhere for $60-$150 a month. We say things like "I wish I could get a new phone but it's just not in the budget" but yet we have an amazing phone compared to the people that don't have any type of communication to begin with. We say things like "I can't afford this or this" but we have a huge 42" tv at home that is the focal point of our living room. (which to me says that is the focal point of your life while you're at home, why else would you have a need for a tv that big). I've even caught myself saying..."if only we would of purchased a bigger, nicer, cuter house!!!" How obsurd and selfish can I be!?!?!?

It's really rather ridiculous. All the wealth that we have, that we turn a blind eye to, and yet we still want more. How much more do we want God to bless us? Can you really afford to live life absent minded, wanting only more?

Be Careful What You Wish For

WARNING: I'm going to be completely honest in this blog. I'm probably going to have a lot of devoted moms (which believe me I believe if you are a mom, you should be completely devoted to your children) upset and angry at me, but I've been rolling around some thoughts in my head for over a year and I just need to blog about them. I may have completely different views from you and you can call me whatever you wish, but these are just how I see things from my perspective at this time in my life.

So lately, (and don't make fun of me for this) I've been listening to The Pussycat Dolls album that has "When I Grow Up" as one of it's tracks. For some reason I really like this song and many others on the disc. One of the phrases in the lyrics say:

"Be Careful What You Wish For, CAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT".

This statement is so true. You do have to be careful what you pray for and what you wish for. What you desire is where your heart is, no matter what the outcome is and how differently it may be once you get it.

Matthew and I prayed for a VERY long time to be home owners. We tried to have very good money practices and tried to save every penny we could on our measly incomes to save up for a down payment on a house. When the time came that we could put a sizable amount down, we started looking for homes, all the while praying for God to allow this to happen if it was his will. As some of you may know, after we purchased our home, I lost my job just one short month later. ONE MONTH. We were suddenly pushed into a situation that was very hard, scary and sent us into fearing if we would be able to make it. This was just something we didn't see in our future and weren't planning on.

I was talking to my sister about the struggles and as the conversation went on and on, the conversation went from telling her our struggle to me complaining about our hardships and how I was very unhappy. She cut me off very quickly and say "Well Kim, this is what you prayed for for three years. You had a BIG desire to own your own home. God gave you this desire of your heart. Now stop complaining about it. You asked for a home and this is just the outcome that has happened. God has put you in this position to trust him, obey him, and love him anyway even though it is tough right now. God gave you the home you wanted." My response at the time was "Well I didn't want the home if it was going to be this hard." I was blind-sighted by the comment, pretty irritated at my sister, but it was the truth. This is what we desired. The home was what we wanted, even though the circumstances following were not what we had though they would be.

This leads me to the mom part. This past year I have observed so many moms complain about the situation that they are in now that they have children. I've heard moms say that they never have time for themselves, they don't get much sleep, and that everything is just so hard. I have such a hard time biting my tongue and asking "Well what did you expect by having a child? This is what comes with the territory" I've heard so many moms use their children as excuses to get out of responsibilities and go home early (such as, well Timmy needs to go home now or Timmy prevents us from doing this now). I've heard moms say that because they don't have as much time now they can't even iron shirts for their husband (which why can't the husband iron their own shirt???)

I've also noticed something else that really bothers me-----It seems that once some individuals become mothers it's as if they forget who THEY are as a person. Everything revolves around their children. You can't have a normal conversation without the mom telling all about what there child has done. Now I love hearing stories about their kids, but the ENTIRE conversation? It's as if they have nothing else to talk about. It's as if their existence has completely disappeared.

Matt and I are all for having children. We want to be truly devoted parents when we decide to have children and when the time is right. But I've observed so many families completely change, sometimes not for the best, that it almost makes me NOT want to start a family. I've seen so many women turn into other women once their children come along that I don't want to be that type of woman. It makes me not want to have kids because I want to still carry on normal conversation with other humans, I want to still be ME--just with an added dimension of myself. It's just frustrating witnessing this. Sometimes I wonder if other moms realize that what they say makes others fearful of having children because of how much they talk "down" about their new responsibilites?

This is the one thing that Matt and I decided when we adopted Mo. I know a dog is completely different from a child, but we're easing our way into responsibility and the added responsibility that comes with a child. We said that we would never use MO as an excuse for anything or use him as an excuse to go home early/not take on things. It's not fair to him. We decide to make the decision to adopt him and by placing blame or using him as an excuse isn't honoring to him in any way and it only makes us look bad.

I'm sure I'm going to get some nasty comments about this post, but I just needed to write my "diary" entry for this. It's only my opinion and you can definitely disagree. Does anyone else feel the way we do?