an airplane moving at 500 miles an hour

How do you know if you're serving and loving Jesus with your whole heart?

I've been struggling with this issue since the beginning of 2010. I slept a lot over Christmas break. I didn't set my alarm on my cell phone and I let the sunrise and my internal clock tell me what time was appropriate for me to awaken for the day. I figured that my body knows better than my mind does sometimes as to when I will be fully rested. So I slept in usually till about 9am. (some of you are probably gasping--9am--that's not late---but for me, trust me, it is).

I headed back to work January 05 with a spirit of frustration. My husband was not called in for a sub job that day, and it took all the energy that I could muster to continue getting in the shower, continue blow drying my hair...etc.... just continuing my morning routine. I even woke up a bit earlier than I normally would so that I could spend some time with Jesus to hopefully prevent this terrible attitude that was forming in my brain and affecting how I treated Matt. I asked for a transformed heart and to have the attitude of Jesus instead of the attitude of the world. Needless to say, I think I even looked at Matt once and snarled at him.....it just wasn't fair.

I figured I just didn't want to get back into the routine of going to work. I loved being in my pjs till 1pm and doing things on my own agenda. But then one week continued into two weeks, and two weeks went into three......

Have you ever woke up one morning out of the blue and wondered----How in the world did I end up in this place?

The past couple of weeks I have been reevaluating my life and what I spend my time on most--work. Do I feel passionate about what I put my time and energy into? I've been reading more and more about boundary lines in your life, the boundaries that God asks each of us to set in place in our lives to promote healthy relationships. And I've realized that I have allowed many boundary lines to be crossed with my relationship with God, my relationship with my husband, relationships with friends, and relationships with work and the coworkers that are associated with work. I've been praying through what that looks like as I move forward in placing new boundaries in my life--and putting then in place in a healthy way.

I've also noticed that my lack of energy is related to feelings of burnout. I was reading another blog and the topic was written about finding yourself feeling burned out by everyday tasks. He defined burnout for himself as: "Burnout happened when I became increasingly unable to inject my unique blend of passion and personality into an environment that could meet a legitimate need in the world."

Once of the things that I have noticed is my lack of energy to be creative in my surroundings. To my own fault. I think as humans, sometimes we find ourselves doing things of habit, and before we know it we realize that all forms of uniqueness have been stolen from our lives. We do things to get things done...and we wind up at the end of the day feeling spent and having not much of a viewpoint that differs from a robot.

Another thing that I have noticed (which Matthew and I have spoken about this and he doesn't mind me sharing) is that when I look back over these past 5 years, I have had many different jobs that have had me doing many different tasks. But one thing remains, they haven't been things that create more creativeness in me. With the struggle of Matt trying to find a full time, permanent teaching job, I feel I have found myself having the life sucked right out of me. I work because I have to. If I don't work, we can't pay the bills. I've realized that I have been feeling trapped. Feelings of having a lack of freedom to be who I really think God has made me, because if I don't work, we won't survive. I've noticed that I've been feeling a bit resentful because I don't have the freedom to go back to school, or take art classes at a local center, because we either don't have the money for tuition, or because my work schedule doesn't allow me to pursue those dreams. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal that is being backed into a corner of the room. I find myself not breathing and holding my breath. Sometimes I feel so suffocated.

Have you ever been out in an open field, or taking a walk through a set of trees and you see an airplane flying overhead waiting to land soon? You look up as it flies directly overhead-- you see all the parts of the plane clearly. You wonder if the people in the plane are looking down at you, as you are looking up at them. You see the logos on the side, you hear the rumble in your heart from the engines. And then, like a ton of bricks falling on your head you realize that this plane is probably flying at 500 miles an hour, but it looks as if it is going so.....slow....

That is how I feel like my life is happening....each event is so slow....but literally the years are flying by and I don't know how I landed at this place.

So what am I to do?

"Burn leavened bread as a thank offering and brag about your freewill offerings--boast about them, you Israelites, for this is what you love to do," declared the Sovereign Lord. "I gave you empty stomachs in every city and lack of bread in every town, yet you have not returned to me, declares the Lord." Amos 3:6-7

I feel like we have went from town to town, trying to find work for Matt. The Lord has given us plentiful times and given us times of need.

I fully believe that when I go to Jesus each morning and I ask him to open my eyes, heart and mind to the things of his Word that I need to hear, I believe that He will do so. This morning I read this. And it has left me with many many questions. Lord when have I not returned to you with my whole heart? When during these 5 years have I not sought your guidance, asked for your provision in lean times, asked for your comfort in times of grief, thanked you Lord for all you've done for us, and asked how we could serve you more?

I'm feeling at a loss for words. I don't know what more I can do to overcome this...Lord what more can I do with my time? Is it all just a matter of having the right attitude with a response full of reverence? I just don't know anymore....

STOP romanticizing history!!!

I've been working part time at the Milton Union public library for over a year and a half now (check out their site at mupubliclibrary.org). I would have to say it has been up there with some of the most beneficial jobs that I have ever had. I have learned so much about our libraries, about our government funding for libraries, and also just about books in general. On any given day I see over a 1000 books, movies, audiobooks and periodicals that pass under that barcode and out the door to our select patrons. And on busy days, many many more. I would have to say that out of all the ideas that Carnegie had for our county, this has got to be one of best.
When I first started working there, I checked out a John Lennon CD called "Instant Karma". You have to understand one thing about me. I've never been a Beatles fan, I don't have all of their albums and secretly dream that I could of been part of their band and one of them. But the music created on this album captured my heart. The values that Lennon sung about....

"Say you want a revolution
We better get on right away
Well you get on your feet
And out on the street

A million workers working for nothing
You better give 'em what they really own
We got to put you down
When we come into town

I gotta ask you comrades and brothers
How do you treat you own woman back home
She got to be herself
So she can free herself"

It made me long in my heart for a time like this. I wanted to be a part of a movement like this. I wanted to do demonstrations and show people what I believed in by my actions. And I wanted people to hear me.....really hear me.

So I started watching Discovery Channel documentaries on that time period. I started looking in history books at the library and seeing the demonstrations in print. I started watching movies on the Weather Underground, who only thought that their voices were going to be heard if they created some type of violence....a bunch of white kids trying to make a difference for the soldiers in Vietnam, and for the black kids down the street who weren't treated like human beings with the same kind of blood flowing through their veins. I started to read about Malcolm X and the Black Panther movement. I started reading about Martin Luther King and learned about his assassination.
I felt so proud of the two Olympians who won the gold and bronze metals and while on the platform raised their fists in the air showing their voice (who later had their metals stripped from them for being "anti-American") I watched a documentary about a hotel owner, who after a bunch of black kids jumped in the public pool at the hotel, felt that that only way he could get them out was to pour acid in the water that ate their flesh. I was mortified at what I was reading and watching, but I was drawn in and I couldn't stop retaining and learning about this time in our nation's history.
I read a book by Richard Doster called "Crossing the Lines". It was about two Southern reporters who were directly affected by the race riots and who personally met with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on many occassions.
It talked about his son who became a part of the sit in demonstrations in Georgian restaurants at the counters, demanding to be served. They would march down the streets, 2 by 2 and then file into restaurants and go directly to the counters. Not reacting in violence when people would spit in their faces and hit them blindsided. They remained calm and chose peace instead of violence.
I was talking to one of my coworkers, Debi, at the library last Monday about this. We were packing up books for the interlibrary loans and the subject was brought up about the Crossing the Lines book that I just finished. I told her how I loved learning about the 60s and just thought it would be so "cool" to live in that time period. Debi, being one that lived in the 60s and 70s and saw all the events first hand just looked at me. She just stopped packing and looked at me. I tried to explain what I meant by "cool", but she just continued to look at me. She said pointblankly...."KIM, STOP romanticizing this time period in history. It wasn't cool. It was heartbreaking, it was terrible. It was a very SAD time in the history of America that we treated other people this way. You're romanticizing the events of this time period, and they were far from being lovely."....

.....................

All I could do was just be quite. Some time pasted and I said, "but wasn't it empowering to live in a time when the things that you believed in were actually heard? Wasn't it empowering to know that the things that were important to you, the things that you stood up for, were being heard by people who thought differently than you and that their opinions were actually changing?"

And all that she said for a couple of moments was...."it looks like in the documentaries that their voices were being heard by people that could be a voice and could actually make a difference, but Kim it was all an illusion."

We started talking about the sit ins at the restaurants. I said "I would of loved to be a part of a demonstration like that." She said very frankly....."Kim alot of people got the sh** kicked out of them....many many young kids your age DIED." Would you really want to be a part of something like that? Would you want to live in a time where the only way your voice could be heard was if you risked your life?"

She said, Kim, there are things that you can stand up for now, that was just like then. There are still injustices happening in the world. There will be times where your voice isn't heard. But you need to keep fighting just like those young African Americans kept fighting. Remained in hope for a better way of life. History repeats itself. Just like there was things that were shameful and broke your heart back then, there are things that are shameful and break your heart now. Keep the hope. Keep hoping. And keep trusting that the things that are in your heart are their for a reason...don't keep silent.

So I'm still reading, I'm still learning. The 60s are facinating to me....but I'm trying to look at things a little differently now....

New York City Day 2

December 04, 2009
Today we went on the subway to Harlem. I had so many stereotypes of what I thought it would be. I think some of them were true--but then again I wasn't there very long....
We went with the Relief Bus. We were handing out soup--but then Kaitlyn and I went to talk to a man named Angel. I think he was homeless.

His mother died on Thanksgiving day.

Friday he was getting picked up to go to her funeral. My assumption was that he was on drugs at some point of his life becuase he repeated himself alot. (which turned out to be a totally WRONG assumption--to read his full story check out the Relief Bus on Facebook and find Angel's video) Kaitlyn prayed for him. He really liked Pepsi--so Brad gave him a Pepsi and the biggest smile borke out on his facem.

We also met Juan. We found out he had a history in prison for killing his brother for raping his mother and later stabbin two people. He is HIV+ and the sickness is slowly killing him. It was from a drug needle. I don't feel like he had much hope--just making it through each day--just trying to survive.

It makes me wonder if his knowing of having HIV is killin him faster than he would if he didn't know. Such debilitating thoughts can sometimes kill you faster than a disease can.....

"let's just go ahead and be who we're meant to be...without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves to others...." Romans 12:5-6

New York City Day 1.2

Thursday, December 03, 2009
Dear Jesus--We're in NYC! My favorite city in the world! I thank you Lord for the opportunity to be here. For this opportunity is from you. I thank you for being with us as we travel. I look around at all these teens down here in the hostel basement--all eating breakfast. Lord teach me how to love them. Father allow my heart to be open to you and to them. I pray for divine connections. I pray Lord that I'll stay focused upon you Jesus and the things you desire to happen Jesus. Help me to not focus upon my own needs but on the needs of the people. Help me Lord to just LOVE THEM. In you--Amen

Today we went to the Bronx to the World Vision Storehouse. We didn't venture to far into that part of the city so I didn't really get to see what the city looked like. It looked alot like the older party of Vandalia or Dayton. At this storehouse, everything is donated by different companies. Things from furniture all the way down to erasers for pencils! Then different churches and schools could come and get supplies for free. I never knew World Vision did that kind of thing too besides child sponsorships.

I worked with CJ from 10-2 unpacking boxes....

We then walked around the city and saw some of the sites. We saw Wall Street. While we were there, and once we got to that section of town, it was like the weight of currency and money floating around couldn't be ignored. Business people in suits were everywhere in a big hurry. With their tall skinny bodies, perfectly combed and shined hair, big shiny boots and long strides....The weight of the sin of greed was all around me.

We also went to the World Trade Site. It looked a lot different from what I thought it would be. I couldn't believe I was at the place where so many people lost their lives. It just brought tears to my eyes.

We went to the Top of The Rock. This was at the top of the Rockefeller Center. The view was amazing. I couldn't enjoy it as much because I missed Matthew so much up there. It just didn't seem right that he wasn't there with me to enjoy it side by side. I love this city, but I love my life with my husband more....and with Moey...I miss him!

New York City Day 1

"To my dearest wife, Love them. As you leave remember to love those you see and meet with. Show them the passion and gentleness of Jesus. I am faithful you will leave a mark on those people you come in contact with. Do not be afraid or worrysome, there are no reason for them. You will have a great time and enjoy getting to know the high school girls. They might have been going to New York for the Lord to show them something. You belong there this week! Love it....Love them...I love you!"
**a bookmark Matthew gave me before the trip that gave me alot of strength out on the field...

Just a couple days ago, Wednesday December 02, 2009, I loaded a bus full of 34 high school students and 6 other adults leaders, headed to New York City for the Ginghamsburg Student Ministry 2009 NYC mission trip. I had some fear, but I had a whole lot of excitement.

I've always loved New York City. It's like the song goes..."New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do, in New York, New York, New York!!!" There's always been something magical to me about New York City. The city just looks so different than any other city that I've been to. It even smells different.

I had some mixed feelings approaching this trip. With my job, I usually interact with middle school students. My involvement with the high school students, let alone the juniors and seniors is very limited. I usually only see then pass through my office headed to Nick's. I have a very hard time trusting and connecting with people that I don't know. How am I going to connect with these students? In a city that I haven't been to in 10 years?

How am I going to love the people of NYC when I've found my life for the past couple of years has been focused on myself and the problems and circumstances that have faced Matthew and I for the first four years of our marriage. Honestly, my last mission trip was to Amsterdam, Holland...that was 4 years ago. My mind hasn't been in the spirit of serving people of a different city. Lord how am I going to do this?

But God is always good....he supplies all of our needs...and he's in the work of changing peoples hearts....more to come soon....stay tuned