Simplicity...what does that really mean?

Since my last post, I have been aching to take a few moments to write....the urge to just sit and contemplate my life in it's entirety, is literally seeping out of every pore of my body....

Life has been real busy these past few months. For weeks in a row I would spend every evening AFTER work Tuesday-Friday either meeting in groups, serving our students at our youth events, or making some effort to take care of my already failing, out of control body. With all the busyness I've been racked with guilt for all the things that I know are important and should be important to me that need to be a priority, but the time is just NOT there. I've been running at full speed winding up at the end of the day exhausted and overall not an impressive person to be around. I've been cranky, unloving, and just bitter.

I can tell quite quickly when my life needs to slow down and be re-examined. The month of February has been a month of struggles and frustrations, and I'm sure will continue into March. I've got a lot of pent up junk in this battlefield of my mind. But with God's help, I will overcome. Just like the tulips and hyacinths that are popping through the soil now, God makes all things new. I'm time for new growth.

I was made aware of the need for simplicity just this past week. I was in the grocery store, the epitomy of hurridness and frustration. I had a time limit of 60 minutes in at Krogers and had a lot to get, with the use of coupons which always slows me down. To add to the frustration, I ran into a person from my past that totally me caught off guard. We had one of those moments where you stare at each other, a few moments pass as you try to figure out who they are, and then it's gone (and you're secretly hoping that they do not remember where they know you from). Not a word uttered, which was COMPLETELY fine. I totally did not want to have a "catch-up chat" with this person. But I found myself flustered the rest of the grocery trip. I continually found myself looking down the aisle before I ventured down it. I did not want another ackward moment with this person. Along with the surprise, a rush of feelings from that time that I thought I had resolved came like a flood, washing over me. Feelings from 6-8th grade! Are you kidding me....I thought those were resolved YEARS ago---like 13 years ago. But obviously I hadn't. One more reminder from my sweet Jesus that my mind is a battlefield, and Satan will use anything to take me down, anything.

The script continues......I'm getting ready to check out.

I've got about 10 coupons, money I want to add to a gift card so that SISCA get's 4% of my total purchase. How much to add? Mentally add up my total in my head.. Is this enough money? Oh, sir please don't use the (dreadful) plastic bags...here I have my own... Gosh, is it hot in here? My arms aren't moving fast enough! Please don't crush my grapes or drop my apples... Was that run up correctly? Did you get all the coupons? Did you scan them too fast that they didn't ring up? MAN...it is so hot in here! Is it just me? I should have taken off my coat along time ago! Okay...I didn't put enough money on the card--those grapes were more expensive that I thought. Okay here's $2 more dollars. I should have got a bigger cart, please don't shove the bag on top of the other bag just to fit. Okay!!!! Thank you---have a great day!

Then I walk to the car and just sit there after putting my bags away. That was the most intense 4 minutes of my life......I don't need this stress.

When did a grocery shopping trip become so stressful? Is it seriously worth all this? Yes, I need to buy food for my family, but why such a rush? Who cares about the pressure of the person behind me. It's not healthy for me. And why can't grocery stores have more personal service like they used to. Where the customer is valued, and it's not about getting people through the line so quickly. Why don't you hire more cashiers so people don't have to rush!

But I feel through it all, God was speaking to me.....come to me child, for I will give you rest. Tell me your concerns....you haven't been talking to me like you used to. I miss the real you....

So here's to slowing down, allowing new growth to happen by talking with my Jesus, and letting him take the reigns...

"I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go" --Francesca Battistelli

Happy 10th Birthday Moey!

Today, I am priviledged to announce that my beautiful boy Moey is having a birthday! He is turning 10 today!!! This is his "supposed" birthday as we aren't quite sure what day he was officially born on, and to what year he graced this good earth.
We brought Moey into our home and adopted him 2 years ago today. We adopted him through an organization called BREW's beagles. (Beagle Rescue, Education, and Welfare) www.brewbeagles.org Matt and I had been looking online for some time, mulling over if this was something that we wanted to commit to. I had always promised myself that if we ever got a dog, even if it was the most unruly thing we had ever brought into our home, we would never return or abandon a dog that we had adopted. When you adopt, you adopt for their entire lives. Not only on the basis if they fit into your family. I knew if we made this commitment it would be just that, a commitment.
When I saw Moey online, I just knew he was the one. Even thought the adoption price was high, and many dumb factors such as money came into play, I knew that I would pay anything to have this dog a part of our family. What can I say---he became a part of my heart.
There has been so much in my life that has changed in these past two years, because of him. He has brought so much laughter, compassion and growth into our home. Because he was abused we've been able to see growth in him and the process of healing that has had to take place for him to open up to both of us. He still has his moments of fright when we raise our voices too loud, or when we swing our arms to quickly. BUT he has grown immensely over the past two years. Not only is he a happy puppy, but he is joyful. I think that if he could smile, he would. (which he has one time when he got a lick of really good ice cream!) Before he didn't really frolick in the yard, but now he runs.....he never used to give kisses, but he now has sneaked a couple when we least expect it.
Today I am thankful for:

*the laughter he has brought into our home
*his random tail wags where he only wags the last 2 inches of his tail
*how his head turns when something is said that is interested
*his raccoon ears that perk up when he hears a strange noise
*the way he takes off from the back porch at full speed into the backyard
*the way he runs around the house in circles, running on the back of the couch like a race car
*the way he slips on the tile floor when he is chasing his bone
*the way he gets sticky granola pieces stuck to his ears while eating his bones
*the way he looks like a kidney bean when he sleeps, with one ear over his eye
*the way he sticks his tongue out like a snake when he's yawning
*how he loves hot milk like a cat!
*the way he sleds down our stairs into the living room instead of walking down ever step
*how he lets our nephews and nieces love on him, even though they pull his hair sometimes
*how he tucks in his rear end when you touch his tail when he's running
*the way he scratches his back in the backyard upside down
*how when you tickle his neck he lays his head down on the ground
*how his front legs look like he's marching on his walk, and his back legs are going to a party

and the best of all:
*they way he loves us unconditionally
Happy Birthday Moey! You have made our lives much better, and we hope that your life is and has been more than you could of ever asked for! We love you so much!

Wishing I Could Bring You That Rose Now

Every season in life stirs different emotions and feelings in me. I haven't quite nailed these feelings down yet, and maybe I'm not supposed to.

I've been thinking about the way that humans remember their lives. We take photos, we make scrapbooks, we write in our journals, and we tell stories. I was thinking about how when we are born our parents take many many pictures throughout the course of our lives. Then when we meet "the one", we take many many pictures of each other together. We get married and hire someone to come in just to take the pictures. Then we have babies and start the whole process over again. It seems all of our happy moments we need to record in some way because we may forget them. The happy moments are the first to slip away. Especially when pain seeps into our lives. Why is it that we never take pictures of our deaths? Is it because the pain is so real that we don't need pictures to remember it by?

My 88 year old grandmother, Ruth Annabelle Jones passed away on October 25, 2010. We knew that this day was going to come. Death is 100% for all individuals. There is no escaping death. It will happen to all of us. But it seems that no matter how much you prepare for this time, you can never fully prepare for it. Death is one of the most simple things in the world, but with all the feelings and complexities of emotions, it is one of the most complicated things to endure.

I feel so ashamed and guilty that I didn't visit her more. For the majority of my life, she literally lived 5 miles away. But I still didn't go visit her. I didn't feel like we had much in common, and I thought that I had other things I needed to do. When she moved into the nursing home just 5 minutes away, I visited her about every 3 weeks. What did I have that was so important?

The last time that I visited with my grandma was on Oct 03, and she slept the majority of the time. Her cancer had spread to many areas of her body that caused alot of pain. She was so heavily medicated for the pain that many times it would set her into a deep sleep. She was sitting back in her recliner, with the baby quilt that she hand made across her lap. The back of her hair was flat from sleeping so much. I was sitting next to her in the chair and my dad was across from me. My dad and I were talking and sometimes she would wake up and have a 2-3 minute conversation before falling back asleep. I will never forget that she said that I had "really pretty tennis shoes". She said she "really liked the purple." At the time it made me really smile, but now it brings tears to my eyes.

It had been almost 3 weeks since I had seen her last. I don't think that I really thought that she was as bad as she was. There is a rose in my backyard, that when we first moved in, at first glance I thought of grandma Jones. She would love that flower. It just looked like her. So when it would bloom (which is 3 times a year) I would clip off one of the roses and ride my bike down to visit to give it to her. The rosebush was blooming in the days previous from me planning on visiting her. It had 3 tiny buds just waiting for some warmth from the sun to open up. I was going to visit her October 25 in the afternoon once I got off from the library. But I was too late. She was gone even before I was done working. When I came home that afternoon, the buds were in FULL bloom. They bloomed, but she never got to see them again.

Part of my remembering her will always be that rose. I brought two of the three to her viewing and funeral, and then as she was lowered into the ground, I placed them on the tombstone. She did get them.

Grandma, I will never forget those times that we shared in the nursing home. Playing a mean game of yahtzee and bingo, trying to learn how to quilt from you, and how you were growing grass and flowers in the springtime in a window box. You and grandpa Ned have taught me so much in my life and have molded me into who I am today. You are still teaching me through your death. The world was much better because you were here. We all will NEVER forget you....you have made a bigger impact than you will ever know.....love you and miss you.

The Barbarian Way

I've been reading a new book called "The Barbarian Way" by Erwin Raphael McManus. I've heard from many people that this is a good book to question your faith and make you ask "What am I really doing with it---am I living like a barbarian for Jesus, or sittin on the sidelines of this domesticated life?" My uncle Eric read the book and said that he became angry. He wasn't angry so much at the book, but because the book was pointing out things in his own life, places where he has become domesticated. Like all books, I give them a chance.
Many passages really challenged my faith. I would sit in the backyard on our adirondack chairs under the walnut tree and just think. Moey would be sitting a few feet away enjoying the nice breeze. With my feet on the fireplace bricks, and me knees providing a good desk I would read and read. Every once in awhile I would get hit by a random leaf (that is falling way too soon this season) or hear the chattering of the squirrels in the background. My favorite passage was actually one of the last couple of pages in the last chapter. Throughout the entire book, each chapter had a illustration of rhinos running. I couldn't quite understand what it meant until I read these last pages. McManus states:


"With insects most of us know that bees are called swarms, and ants are called colonies. Among ocean life, I was aware that whales are pods, and fish are schools. Cattle are herds, birds are flocks, and if you watch Lion King, you know a tribe of lions is a pride. If you grew up in the country, you might know that crows are murders. Maybe the most unnerving one is an ambush of tigers.
I was surprised to learn that a group of buzzards waiting around together to feast on leftover carnage is called a committee. Just this one insight is worth the price of the whole book. This explains so much of what's going on in churches--a lot of committees waiting around to live off human carnage.
Groups of flamingos are called flamboyants, which for some reason remind of TV evangelists. And groups of the less glamorous owls are know as parliaments. They do seem sort of British.
But my favorite of all is the group designed for rhinos. You see, rhinos can run at thirty miles an hour, which is pretty fast when you consider how much weight they're pulling. They're actually faster than squirrels, which can run at up to twenty-six miles an hour. And even then, who's going to live in dread of a charging squirrel? (Sorry--that was a bit off the point.) Running at thirty miles an hour is faster than a used Pinto will go. Just one problem with this phenomenon. Rhinos can see only thirty feet in front of them. Can you image something that large moving in concert as a group, plowing ahead at thirty miles an hour with no idea what's at thirty-one feet? You would think that they would be far too timid to pick up full steam, that their inability to see far enough ahead would paralyze them to immobility. But with that horn pointing the way, rhinos run forward full steam ahead without apprehension, which leads us to their name.
Rhinos moving together at full speed are known as a crash. Even when they're just hanging around enjoying the watershed, they're called a crash because of their potential. You've got to love that. I think that's what we're supposed to be. That's what happens when we become barbarians and shake free of domestication and civility. The church becomes a crash. We become an unstoppable force. We don't have to pretend we know the future. Who cares that we can see only thirty feet ahead? Whatever's at thirty-one feet needs to care that we're coming and better get out of the way.
We need to move together as God's people, a barbarian tribe, and become the human version of the rhino crash. The future is uncertain, but we need to move toward it with confidence. There's a future to be created, a humanity to be liberated. We need to stop wasting our time and stop being afraid of what we cannot see and do not know. We need to move forward full force because of what we do know."


So am I living like a barbarian or a domesticated civilian? hmm...

Contemplating Life and Death

As many many people read in the paper and heard on the news two weeks ago today, a very faithful servant and friend was tragically shot and killed. I didn't know Brandon Haskins very well. Although his fingerprints are over the place here in the Avenue, his design work and creativity only gave us so many times to interact. When we did interact it was always filled with laughter and many many jokes. He was a guy who wanted to have fun and laugh. All of the memories that I have of him included laughter.

I've had people in my life pass away. People that are very very dear to me. My first experience with death was my grandfather, Ned Jones. He passed away just 4 days after my 7th birthday. I remember, although it was only Oct 16, it was snowing, rather hard. I remember seeing my dad cry for the first time. I remember sitting on my dad's lap, him bouncing me with his knee while I cried. I remember him rubbing my back telling me that it would be okay. Since then, I've had other family members pass away because of disease or old age. It was a part of life, I took the time to grieve and whenever I thought of them I didn't feel immense sadness, but good memories.

It wasn't until my best friend in the whole world passed away. I was 25 years old. I had been anticipating her death for awhile, and I tried to hold onto her every moment. Cherishing everything she did. On Aug 1st of 2007, just as my resurrection lillies were in full bloom overnight, my beautiful beagle of 16 years, CoCo, passed away. I remember being in the vet room, while my dad hugged her and I held and hugged her back legs as she went home to be with Jesus. I remember how calm she was, like she was ready to go. I remember watching her breathe and then in an instant she wasn't anymore. I still struggle with watching Moey sometimes while he is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder if he has stopped breathing too. I've never come to terms with how one second she was alive, and the next minute her body had already went cold.

These past two weeks I've realized that I still haven't come to terms with the meaning of death. I still can't fully wrap my brain around this fact of life.

I know someday this will be me.

Someday I will be in the ground, ...dead.

Because Brandon was taken so young, it's made me realize just how close death could be to me. Am I using the most of today?

Some of the things I've really been contemplating and thinking about have been mind boggling. I can't shake it from my mind. Brandon deserved MORE. He deserved a more peaceful way to go. He didn't deserve to be shot. He didn't deserve to have his life taken in this way. I prayed through some things. I firmly believe that God didn't want this to happen. He was even more sad than all of us. Part of the consequences of being able to have free will is the abilities for others to make poor choices.

His step-dad made a choice. He chose to do many things. But along the way I've realized that because we can make our own decisions, we aren't free from not altering the people around us. All of the decisions that we make each and EVERY day effect those around us. You CAN'T make a decision today that only effects YOU. It made me realize just how much power that God has given his beautiful creation, us humans. His step-dad made a very powerful decision.....and all I can ask is "God why have you given us so much power?"

On our 5th anniversary trip to Louisville, Kentucky I really thought about this while we were in the Hard Rock Cafe. Our hostess (with a bunch of metal flare all over his uniform!) sat us down at a table. He basically chose our view, our waiter, how we heard the music coming through the tv speakers, how the lighting effected our vision, and the lighting that was cast across Matt's sweet face. Just by where we sat down. We all carry around a lot of power that effects every single person.

Brandon's death has made me think about many things. His life and death isn't in vain. Although we all wish that he was still here with us, he is changing the face of eternity through his death. I hope I come to the point in my life, when it's time for me to pass from this world to the next, that my death makes such a difference. Smiling for you today Brandon.....because life was wonderful because you were in it....