Contemplating Life and Death

As many many people read in the paper and heard on the news two weeks ago today, a very faithful servant and friend was tragically shot and killed. I didn't know Brandon Haskins very well. Although his fingerprints are over the place here in the Avenue, his design work and creativity only gave us so many times to interact. When we did interact it was always filled with laughter and many many jokes. He was a guy who wanted to have fun and laugh. All of the memories that I have of him included laughter.

I've had people in my life pass away. People that are very very dear to me. My first experience with death was my grandfather, Ned Jones. He passed away just 4 days after my 7th birthday. I remember, although it was only Oct 16, it was snowing, rather hard. I remember seeing my dad cry for the first time. I remember sitting on my dad's lap, him bouncing me with his knee while I cried. I remember him rubbing my back telling me that it would be okay. Since then, I've had other family members pass away because of disease or old age. It was a part of life, I took the time to grieve and whenever I thought of them I didn't feel immense sadness, but good memories.

It wasn't until my best friend in the whole world passed away. I was 25 years old. I had been anticipating her death for awhile, and I tried to hold onto her every moment. Cherishing everything she did. On Aug 1st of 2007, just as my resurrection lillies were in full bloom overnight, my beautiful beagle of 16 years, CoCo, passed away. I remember being in the vet room, while my dad hugged her and I held and hugged her back legs as she went home to be with Jesus. I remember how calm she was, like she was ready to go. I remember watching her breathe and then in an instant she wasn't anymore. I still struggle with watching Moey sometimes while he is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder if he has stopped breathing too. I've never come to terms with how one second she was alive, and the next minute her body had already went cold.

These past two weeks I've realized that I still haven't come to terms with the meaning of death. I still can't fully wrap my brain around this fact of life.

I know someday this will be me.

Someday I will be in the ground, ...dead.

Because Brandon was taken so young, it's made me realize just how close death could be to me. Am I using the most of today?

Some of the things I've really been contemplating and thinking about have been mind boggling. I can't shake it from my mind. Brandon deserved MORE. He deserved a more peaceful way to go. He didn't deserve to be shot. He didn't deserve to have his life taken in this way. I prayed through some things. I firmly believe that God didn't want this to happen. He was even more sad than all of us. Part of the consequences of being able to have free will is the abilities for others to make poor choices.

His step-dad made a choice. He chose to do many things. But along the way I've realized that because we can make our own decisions, we aren't free from not altering the people around us. All of the decisions that we make each and EVERY day effect those around us. You CAN'T make a decision today that only effects YOU. It made me realize just how much power that God has given his beautiful creation, us humans. His step-dad made a very powerful decision.....and all I can ask is "God why have you given us so much power?"

On our 5th anniversary trip to Louisville, Kentucky I really thought about this while we were in the Hard Rock Cafe. Our hostess (with a bunch of metal flare all over his uniform!) sat us down at a table. He basically chose our view, our waiter, how we heard the music coming through the tv speakers, how the lighting effected our vision, and the lighting that was cast across Matt's sweet face. Just by where we sat down. We all carry around a lot of power that effects every single person.

Brandon's death has made me think about many things. His life and death isn't in vain. Although we all wish that he was still here with us, he is changing the face of eternity through his death. I hope I come to the point in my life, when it's time for me to pass from this world to the next, that my death makes such a difference. Smiling for you today Brandon.....because life was wonderful because you were in it....