And boy have times changed these past 5 months.
My life has been turned completely upside down and everything that I thought I had control over has been stripped from my grasp. I keep waiting for my life to go back to normal, for life to be like it was when grandma was here. But I am quickly reminded that my life will never be like it was and this is my new normal. And quite honestly I really dislike this new normal.
I try to visit with my grandpa at least once a week, if not more. I can't even imagine the things that he feels when he's home alone in the evenings. My grandparents had just celebrated 65 years in the fall. I mean 65 YEARS! That's unheard of these days and such an accomplishment. I know why this was able to happen for them and it's because they put Jesus first in their lives. Once you have that firmly placed at the front of your marriage, you will still have your troubles and trials, but it seems the other things in life will fall into place.
It's not so much that I don't like being in their house, because I do. I actually love my grandparents house and every time I am there, I feel her presence. But the hard part is I keep waiting to see her come into the room. I keep waiting to go into the living room and find her sitting in her chair with blankets piled up on her lap. I keep waiting to see the basketball game, or baseball game on tv. I find myself almost checking out books at the library to bring to her. When I'm reading a recipe myself and I come across something I don't understand I find myself searching for the phone to call her to ask for help. When I get in an argument with my dad, I want to call her up to talk. When the dogs do something funny I find myself thinking "I need to tell grandma". I miss going to Chinese with her and grandpa. I miss EVERYTHING about her....and it seems that my life will never be the same again. And quite frankly I don't want a new normal. I liked just how it was.
My grandmother always knew what to say to encourage me. Even if I didn't tell her I was having a hard time inside, she was the one that would pick up on it without me saying a word. She was so compassionate and kind. She also always knew how to encourage others with just what they needed to hear. When I felt that no one understood me, she did. I could talk my issues out with her and she always knew just what to say to my struggles.
So I feel like with this new struggle in my life I feel quite lost. I've lost the person I always went to.
I've been thinking these last couple of months about Matt and I's life these last 6 1/2 years. The first couple years of our lives together I feel that we had the kind of faith or belief (whatever you want to call it) to believe that certain things were going to happen for us. We were dead set on the fact that God was going to do this. We had all the confidence in the world. But then they didn't happen for us. God had different plans for us and our lives were flipped upside down, rolled around and many times we felt that we had been dragged through the mud and stepped on. Many things that we wanted to happen and were confident that they were going to happen didn't. Did that just jade us, or did we just get smart and not expect things?
I feel that I hear so many young couples, and couples that have been married within the 5-8 year mark say "When this happens", and "when this happens" for us. I struggle with this phrasing. I guess I just don't fully understand but it makes me want to say "what makes you SO sure it's going to happen?"
After things not happening our first couple years of marriage, it's made me wonder if I just don't have enough faith that they will happen, or I'm just not that confident? I don't know if we've become "Debby Downers" and don't look on the positive side of things, or if we just don't place our hope in things anymore?!
I feel like in our lives after that rough patch, we have never approached things as if we know that they are going to happen. I remember going into buying our house as "IF we are able to buy a house" instead of "when". And "IF we can replace our car" instead of "when". And "IF we can have a baby" instead of "when". I've haven't looked at things like a guarantee. So is that a lack of faith, or is everyone else just a little too confident? Have others not had things happen as frustrating as the things that have happened with us, and that's why they are so confident? Or do they just not get strung up on those things that didn't happen?
So am I jaded? Do I not have enough faith? Or did my pain from those disappointments just cut a little TOO deep?
I wish I had my grandmother here to talk things over with. She was the best grandmother anyone could have every asked for. She knew exactly what to say....Holy Spirit--please show us the way.....
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