Contemplating Life and Death

As many many people read in the paper and heard on the news two weeks ago today, a very faithful servant and friend was tragically shot and killed. I didn't know Brandon Haskins very well. Although his fingerprints are over the place here in the Avenue, his design work and creativity only gave us so many times to interact. When we did interact it was always filled with laughter and many many jokes. He was a guy who wanted to have fun and laugh. All of the memories that I have of him included laughter.

I've had people in my life pass away. People that are very very dear to me. My first experience with death was my grandfather, Ned Jones. He passed away just 4 days after my 7th birthday. I remember, although it was only Oct 16, it was snowing, rather hard. I remember seeing my dad cry for the first time. I remember sitting on my dad's lap, him bouncing me with his knee while I cried. I remember him rubbing my back telling me that it would be okay. Since then, I've had other family members pass away because of disease or old age. It was a part of life, I took the time to grieve and whenever I thought of them I didn't feel immense sadness, but good memories.

It wasn't until my best friend in the whole world passed away. I was 25 years old. I had been anticipating her death for awhile, and I tried to hold onto her every moment. Cherishing everything she did. On Aug 1st of 2007, just as my resurrection lillies were in full bloom overnight, my beautiful beagle of 16 years, CoCo, passed away. I remember being in the vet room, while my dad hugged her and I held and hugged her back legs as she went home to be with Jesus. I remember how calm she was, like she was ready to go. I remember watching her breathe and then in an instant she wasn't anymore. I still struggle with watching Moey sometimes while he is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder if he has stopped breathing too. I've never come to terms with how one second she was alive, and the next minute her body had already went cold.

These past two weeks I've realized that I still haven't come to terms with the meaning of death. I still can't fully wrap my brain around this fact of life.

I know someday this will be me.

Someday I will be in the ground, ...dead.

Because Brandon was taken so young, it's made me realize just how close death could be to me. Am I using the most of today?

Some of the things I've really been contemplating and thinking about have been mind boggling. I can't shake it from my mind. Brandon deserved MORE. He deserved a more peaceful way to go. He didn't deserve to be shot. He didn't deserve to have his life taken in this way. I prayed through some things. I firmly believe that God didn't want this to happen. He was even more sad than all of us. Part of the consequences of being able to have free will is the abilities for others to make poor choices.

His step-dad made a choice. He chose to do many things. But along the way I've realized that because we can make our own decisions, we aren't free from not altering the people around us. All of the decisions that we make each and EVERY day effect those around us. You CAN'T make a decision today that only effects YOU. It made me realize just how much power that God has given his beautiful creation, us humans. His step-dad made a very powerful decision.....and all I can ask is "God why have you given us so much power?"

On our 5th anniversary trip to Louisville, Kentucky I really thought about this while we were in the Hard Rock Cafe. Our hostess (with a bunch of metal flare all over his uniform!) sat us down at a table. He basically chose our view, our waiter, how we heard the music coming through the tv speakers, how the lighting effected our vision, and the lighting that was cast across Matt's sweet face. Just by where we sat down. We all carry around a lot of power that effects every single person.

Brandon's death has made me think about many things. His life and death isn't in vain. Although we all wish that he was still here with us, he is changing the face of eternity through his death. I hope I come to the point in my life, when it's time for me to pass from this world to the next, that my death makes such a difference. Smiling for you today Brandon.....because life was wonderful because you were in it....

When have things become not big enough?

I've been contemplating a couple of things here lately as I stroll through our neighborhood, ride our bikes in the neighborhood down the road, and as I walk Moey in the neighborhood next to ours--"the big block". I've started to begin to wonder--"when did our generation begin to not get "enough"?
A realization came to me when we lived in Bowling Green, Ohio. We were just starting out as a married couple. We were so fortunate and blessed to be able to rent a real home our first year of marriage. It was such a cool house. We also were awakened to the incredible expense of heating an old 100 year old home!! Our landlords were in Amsterdam Holland, serving on a year long mission and needed to rent out their new home to a couple. They hadn't even lived in the home themselves! It was a decent sized home. It had two living rooms, hardwood floors, incredible woodwork around the doors and windows (windows beautifully big and tall), two bedrooms and a washer and dryer. It also had a nice back and front deck with a good size yard. Just a couple of blocks over though were EXTREMELY big homes.
My first job was doing interior design work for window treatments. I was able to go in many, many homes and help homeowners choose blinds, curtains, and furniture covers. Many homes were so large and expensive and I started to notice a trend. Not only were their homes HUGE, but also their cars, their spouses, their children and their own waistlines. There houses were also filled with an incredible amount of STUFF. It was as if they couldn't get enough things: not enough to own, not enough to buy, and definitely not enough to eat. We would ride our bikes through the neighborhoods and I couldn't help but think: how many people here have a balanced lifestyle in most aspects of their lives? I know we all can't be perfectly balanced in every area, but how many of them are trying to be balanced???
I've noticed this in Englewood as well. Our neighborhood has beautiful, older, homes. Most houses were built in the 1940s. Each of them are UNIQUE (which you can't say that now a days!) They are all roughly 1200-2000 sq ft including the basement.
I sat in the backyard after our run last week and thought about my generation. After my grandmothers auction, I've been feeling differently about items that I collect, and the things that are in my possession. I think I've become more picky about the things that I purchase and spend my money on. I've also been thinking about both sets of grandparents and the way that they lived their lives. Both sets of grandparents built their homes, the size that they are. Which ironically was the size of many homes in that day. When did my generation not think they were big enough?
Matt and I live in a 1200 square foot home, 2000 if you include the basement. We live on a 1/4 acre plot, we have a small living room, 4 small bedrooms, 2 small bathrooms, a small dining room and kitchen. But it's BIG enough for us. Why are my peers not satisfied with a smaller home? Why do they want the biggest and best even if it lands them in debt up to their eyeballs? Sometimes it leaves me sickened when I think about how my generation has deteriorated in quality and the values of what is really important.