It's been awhile since I last blogged. I wanted to give special tribute to my dogs birthday so I thought I wouldn't write for some time. I also had an alterier motive though as well. The last two weeks have been pretty rough for me, and ultimately the heartache has been passed onto to Matthew as well. Two weeks ago, my boss sat me down and we had a hard conversation. He was informing me that in the following weeks and months, he would be closing the franchise, and beginning a smaller window treatment business. Because of this, he stated that it would be wise for me to start looking for another job.....I really didn't know what to say. The entire conversation, thoughts of despair were rolling around in the crevaces of my brain. "What are we going to do now?" "Why does this always happen?" "Why is it such a struggle for Matt and I to find good, stable jobs with reliable incomes?" Then the ultimate damaging thoughts of, "What is so wrong with us?" "Lord what are we doing wrong for this to keep happening? How are we disobeying you?"
Sometimes the fear of not finding another job is suffocating. When I sit stationary for more than a couple of minutes, and I'm not consumed with something else, the fear comes on so strongly. It litterly feels like something is creeping up my back and with gnarled fingers, puts me in a choke hold. I don't know what we're going to do this fall. Our work is temporary, but our mortage and the bills to survive are far from that.
I can be completely fine and start the morning off great, but give me five minutes at my desk to myself, and tears spring to my eyes. My friends in my study group keep praying for Matt and I. My sister has sympathized with me and has said to me, "I just don't know why all of these things keep hitting you, all at once, or in sucession." I don't know why they are happening. But I"m trying to live on the promises of my Savior. It says that "all things work together for those that love Christ." I completely believe this promise from my Savior but I have no idea how this is going to work out for the good. But when I think about things too much, they just become terrorizing. Sometimes I just wonder what I'm doing wrong and why I'm always taking and making the wrong decisions.
The study that I'm doing now is called Breaking Free. In one session it talks about finding complete satisfaction and peace through Jesus. In Isaiah 48:17-18 it states:
"I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea."
Beth Moore writes in the study "To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquillity of heart and mind while meeting many bumps and unexpected turns on life's journey through change. Peace is submission to a trustworthy Authority, not resignation form all activity."
This struck me pretty hard. I always thought that peace was still and solemn. But when Jesus says you'll have peace like a river, a river is strong and powerful. The water is ripped along the shore, thrown over rocks, and is so cutting that it creates new path. I still haven't understood completely how I should apply this to my life, but it's given me a new perspective. Living a life for Christ, is far from the stereotypical "peaceful" life. It's really rather terrifying!
I've been looking over the past couple years of my life trying to figure out what I've been missing, where I may be disobeying God, or where I've been deliberately ignoring the voice of God. A couple of situations came to my mind where Satan completely stole the joy that Christ intended for me. I remember in college living with a particular roommate that I just did not get along with. We were just so different and had nothing in common. We both got engaged around the same time of year, and from that day on until the time we moved out, there was tension and conflict. We were both planning our weddings, and there was always tensions between the two of us. I allowed Satan to enter that time and steal the joy in my heart about being engaged.. I really wish I could get those months back. Shortly after that, I graduated from college. This should be a joyful time in my life right? I allowed Satan to fill my mind with thoughts of failure and waste. I didn't want to pursue interior design, the degree I graduated with. I allowed and still struggle to fight off the temptation that is constantly beating down the door of my mind for being a big fat waste in life. And currently in this situation the struggle is exceptionally difficult. Now with the purchase of our first home. This should be exciting right?! But since the conversation with my boss, I've felt nothing but worry, anxiousness, anger and dissappointment in myself. I don't want Satan to take this joy, this joy that I've been working hard to achieve for three years, saving EVERY penny, right out from under my feet. I have a hard time fighting off his advances, but I've already went to my victor Jesus, and he's not taking this away from me. I will be victorious in this battle. I'm going to put on the full armor of God, and Satan won't catch me running away. Oh no, my back is the only place unprotected.....I'm tried of running.
