darkness departure

I have so many thoughts...hopefully this makes sense...

I was shocked and stunned to read on msn.com last night about Heath Ledgers death. I had such a swarm of feelings rush over me, it actually stopped me in my tracks. I just said over and over to Matthew, I can't believe it...I can't believe it.

I remember hanging out with my good friend Kari when we were in high school and watching numerous times, "A Knight's Tale". We thought that he was so HOTT (with numberous T's afterwards, as we liked to put it). We loved watching that movie, and receiting ...'we will, we will...rock you...rock you". I think secretly we wanted a knight like that, who LOOKED like that to come sweep us off our feet. He was such a heart throb.

It brought me back to when news stations broadcasted Anna Nicole-Smith's departure into the darkness. I remember sitting in the Palmer apt in Bowling Green, stunned to the point of being frozen. I literally sat in the recliner for almost an hour just watching the news coverage. Hardly responding, just staring at the tube. Later that night I actually cried! But deep down, I don't think I was crying over the loss of her life, because I personally didn't know her. I was sad for her family and her daughter, but not over the loss of something personally to me. I think the finality of death was what made me sad. I thought of my husband, my family, my grandparents, my aging puppy CoCo. Death can hit at any moment, when you least expect it.

Last night I was sitting on the floor in the sewing room, working on a multi-colored baby sling. Stretching, pulling, pinning the fabric in the desired position, and the whole time thinking of Heath Ledgers family. His little girl, the mother, his parents, his siblings, everyone who loved him and loves him beyond the grave. What grief they must be feelings because of the suddeness of the news.

After some time passed, probably only momentary seconds, I realized that I was staring at my fingers on the carpet. I started to move them in different positions. I started to think of my own hands after I departed this world and went to be with my Savior Jesus, my shell of a body left to be cared for by my family, and finally laid in the ground....what would my hands look like in my grave? How do I want my hands to look? Will they be laying gently at my sides, across my chest, intertwined on my belly? After I realized what I was doing, I ran into the living room where Matthew was watching Jeopardy and told him that I want my children, or if we don't have children, I want him to have my wedding rings. I want those passed down. I want the legacy of loving my husband so much to be passed onto others. I want that undying love, the love for my soul mate to be shown to others, not hidden by the depths of the earth.

I'm beginning to think of death more lately because I've been reading the popular book by Mitch Albom "Tuesdays with Morrie". Morrie as Mitch describes is a very astute, wise man, who really did learn much about life until he was given the disease ASL, or otherwise known as Lou Gergig's disease. Morrie states that "you don't really know how to live unless you first learn how to die...."