So these past two months have been pretty tough.
(---I feel like I say this every post! Maybe it's because there will always be trials, but the important thing is how you deal with them). For the past 6 years, the majority of my let downs or dissappointments have been through Matthew. And when I say that I mean, I always felt the pain of his dissapointments as he was trecking the path of employement with Ohio Schools. The pain that he would feel with rejection, I identified with so much because we are not separate but one. I took on his pain as my own.

But this is the first time in the past three years where this pain has been my own. Sure I've had my ups and downs and little dissappointments along the way, but this dissappointment was huge in my life and in many ways has sent me in a downward spiral with my thoughts.

I had applied for an internal position through my employement. I thought for sure that I would have the right qualifications, the right thing that they would need especially with my work experience. But apparently I didn't. They chose someone else.

I've been going through this time of rejection pretty hard. The thoughts of, the people in my life, the people that can really make a difference....are always choosing someone else. How do you deal with that kind of rejection when you struggle with feeling like you're not good enough just the way you are?

So this has spiraled my thoughts out of control. Not only did I think that I wasn't good enough deep down, but my current employer didn't think I was good enough either. How are you supposed to handle that?

So God and I...yeah, we've been going up and down with this for the last 6 weeks. Thinking sometimes just isn't good--because most of my thoughts just run away from me and go to places that I never intented for them to go. And before I know it the whole day has passed, sometimes even a week has passed and I'm in a completely different place that I never intented for myself to arrive at.

Two Saturdays ago, I was working at the library on my normal day off. It was a rather slow day, so I decided to go shelve the children's picture books. The longer I was shelving the more I realized how messy the books looked. I decided that I would spend the majority of the afternoon, as long as we weren't busy, straightening the picture books. The longer that I was there, the more I started to think. My mind was in a gradual decline as I was thinking about work and all the complications and frustrations of the past week. I found myself repeating in my head...."I just wish I was something to somebody." repeated it a few more times, until suddenly I felt that I heard God say (not audible, with angels and harps playing, but the gentle whisper in my heart) saying " Kim, you ARE somebody already. You are to Matthew, you are to Moey (his life saver), and most importantly you are to ME." It felt like I just had a bolt of lightening stike me on the head. "I am somebody."

Which then led me to the question...."Why did I define if I'm somebody or not just by my current job title?" (which I know the answer to this question...sometimes people treat admin like they are useless...that's why) A job title is just a couple of words strung together. It doesn't mean that once you get that title that you're suddenly more important than others. You prove your worth by the respect that you get from others---which that respect has to be EARNED.

Yesterday, as I was sunning myself in the lawn chair in the backyard, I was also spending my time with Jesus. The birds were chirping, slight breeze in the air, and my big diet coke with bubbles and ice sitting next to me. It was what I picture heaven to be like. I was coversing with God in my head a bit and I felt like he was speaking again (in my heart not with robes of white coming from the heavens) This is my interpretation:

"Kim, I know that this has hurt you deeply. And I don't like to see my children hurting, but rest assured that I'm going to use this hurt for you good. I didn't want this to happen, this was not apart of the plan that I had for you, but I am going to use it. I knew that it was going to happen, but I didn't cause for it to happen the way that it did. Trust me with all the feelings that you're feeling. I know them all and I know where all of them are stemming from. Just trust me that I'm using your joys, your frustrations, your tears and your hurts for your good. They are not being wasted."

I think I can live with that.