On Thursday July 16, 2009, Matthew and I celebrated our 4th anniversary of being married. Boy how time has flown by! I still remember exactly how the days felt right after we were married in our house on Grove Street. The sun reflecting and refreacting through our front stained glass window, the air blowing through the giant skinny windows as the sheers blew into the room. Somehow that first year, looking back, was magical. It was also filled with a lot of trials, saddness and working through expectations that we had for one another. Something I've learned clearly these four years is that God's hand is in EVERYTHING. And that he'll work in every situation if you only let him.

I've been learning alot through spending time outdoors lately. We take our pup, Mo, on a walk at the Englewood Metropark at least once a week. On a couple of those adventures, I've been deep in thought as we walked side by side, stopping about every 10 yards for a quick squirt! God started revealing in my heart as I pondered my past experiences that everything, in some way or another was constructed by his hands.

That out of conrol bush over there...yeah God wanted it to grow there..... .......the multicolored miniature leaves forming in that puddle on the side of the trail....yep, he contructed those with the tips of his fingers.......the nasty grub that is crawling in the dirt......he placed it there to eat the harmful organisms growing precisily in that spot.....the wildflowers growing on the crest of the cliff.....those were his polka dots placed where life shouldn't grow. His hand is in everything!

Everything that Matt and I have experienced have been crafted in the palm of his hand. And for those harmful situations---where i struggled to find a job and have contentment for three years....the many times Matt struggled to take his praxis and ultimately get his certification.....the many, MANY fights we had that first year that honestly caused us to scream at each other that we desired to get a divorce more than be married because the pressure was just to much for 23 year olds to bear....he used them to make us who we are today.

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect." 1 Corinthians 15:10

When I study this verse I don't see the "I am what I am" as being something lofty because I know where I could be....and by God's grace thankfully I'm not what I could of been.

I sit in our backyard sometimes and stare at our "spaceship" with all of our perennials. I started to think about what the bulbs look like deep in the earth, and then how radically different the plant looks after it has burst through the soil reaching for the sun. It really doesn't make sense. How do normal round onion like bulbs make hyacinth? How do little twigs make lilies? How do small stems make beautiful roses? How do little round balls turn into beautiful spiky purple pom poms? ....it's the work of God's hands....and it's the work of the plants looking to the only source that can change what they are.

As the sun is for the plants, I have no where else to look but my Savior to see change in my life and my husband's.....as we do our life together....I love you babes and Happy Anniversary!!!

Just because you can?

I've been rolling this around in my brain for some time now....probably about a month. I really believe that God's been pressing on my heart to look at the things that have happened in my past, a deep look, and to see the areas on my heart that I need to surrender to him to have him work through and heal. Sometimes even though surrending the hurt is difficult, the process that healing requires is sometimes harder to go through than the redeption of being healed from the hurt.
When Matthew and I first got married, I had really low self esteem. In most areas of my life today I still do. But when I first got married, it was LOW. I felt great to be his bride, his new wife but I carried around alot of insecurities about who I was. I just had some dreams stripped from my heart, which I can honestly say that I feel like God stripped me of those. I desired to pursue a career in Interior Design so badly....but over the course of my junior and senior year in college I believe God was stripping my heart of that desire. He showed me the materialism in that career. He showed me that sometime individuals that pursue that career are only catering to the "wants" of others through material items. Helping others "keep up with the Jones'". I knew God was pressing on my heart that this wasn't something he did desired for me.
From my perspective now, I can see why. I would of been terrible at this career. God has taken me to a place where I feel, "if you like something, who cares if it's not "fashionable"....put it in your home because YOU like it! Who cares if it doesn't match the thing next to it, or the overall design of the room. If you like it, DO IT! Don't answer to what others think is best....and of course don't buy something just because it's name brand or expensive"
Back to that first year of marriage. I was in a dead end career that I wasn't passionate about. I wanted to contribute to our marriage and because I had so many insecurities I tried just about anything....even MARY KAY. (gasp!) What was I thinking?
I had met a particularly dreadful woman in one of my networking groups through my job. She was an elite Mary Kay salesman....boy was she manipulative......
She tried everything to get me to sell cosmetics....I was strong at first....but over the days and months following....after much persuading with talk of "you'll make this much, and think of what you can do, and yada yada yada" I succomed to the pressure and agreed to be a consultant. Seriously...what was I thinking!? I mean look at me---I almost hate wearing makeup....why did I think I could sell any? I didn't have that much charm. BUT one of the many good things that came out of that experience was I was asked to make a "goal" poster. Since I think I'm a pretty creative person this is what I came up with.
It wasn't just a list on a piece of paper tacted to my wall, it was a collage of all the things I desired for my life at that moment. Some of those things have changed, but some of them listed below I have realized that God has answered.....without the help of Mary Kay.
1. Flowers on my kitchen table every week!

2. A GRAND deposit on our first home!

3. To give my husband the opportunity to go back to school to become a pricipal.

I've been spending alot of time in my backyard lately with the nice weather. I usually take my afternoon coffee, my bible and present book outside to sit on my reclining lawn chair out under the walnut tree. Mr.Mo walks slowly out with me and we sit under the tree, hearing the wind blow through the trees, and I calmly look at my backyard that surrounds me and the blessing of a home that is front of me. Mo and I take a look around and just sigh. God is a GOOD God.

4 years ago I didn't think this would even be possible. Matthew and I started and lived the following three years of our lives together making less that $10 an hour each. College grads....it was such a tough pill to swallow for over three years....many times we felt humiliated and embarrassed. But God taught us something through this. I feel like he was saying to us...you don't NEED anything. I've given you everything you've ever needed. You have a roof over your head, two cars that run perfectly fine, food on your table, money for heat and electric and the ability to be obedient to me and tithe. What are you seriously complaining about?
We saved and worked through it. We watched every penny, I mean every penny. The only thing that we spent money on that we didn't "need" was our cell phone policy (which by the way was the cheapest plan they had and we got free phones to boot!). God taught us a lot through those three years that have carried us to where we are today.

Even though Matthew is struggling to find a job right now, God is still overflowing us with blessings. Depsite it all God gave us the diligence to save our pennies to be able to put a "grand" deposit on our first home. He has provided us a home with an abundance of gorgeous flowers in our backyard. I do get to put fresh flowers on my table each and every week in my home because of the surprise of all the flowers that bloom each and every season. (which were not apparent when we first bought the home...I didn't even know they were there!) And quite possibly Matt will be able to go back to school soon to get his masters. God has answered all of our prayers...even the simple one of flowers on my table. God is always good and he cares for every one of your thoughts.

We're now at a place where we could buy new clothes if we wanted to, as we never did the three years we were saving every penny. We could buy new fixtures for our home. We could buy furniture for upstairs so our relatives don't have to sleep on an air mattress when they come to visit. But the thing that God has put in our hearts is we just "don't have the desire to buy things anymore". Sure the thought of buying new things passes through our head every once in a while....but deep down the things that we do have are good enough for us and our "status". If something isn't broken, why replace it if it works just fine? Why buy something "just because you can?"