How do you know if you're serving and loving Jesus with your whole heart?I've been struggling with this issue since the beginning of 2010. I slept a lot over Christmas break. I didn't set my alarm on my cell phone and I let the sunrise and my internal clock tell me what time was appropriate for me to awaken for the day. I figured that my body knows better than my mind does sometimes as to when I will be fully rested. So I slept in usually till about 9am. (some of you are probably gasping--9am--that's not late---but for me, trust me, it is).
I headed back to work January 05 with a spirit of frustration. My husband was not called in for a sub job that day, and it took all the energy that I could muster to continue getting in the shower, continue blow drying my hair...etc.... just continuing my morning routine. I even woke up a bit earlier than I normally would so that I could spend some time with Jesus to hopefully prevent this terrible attitude that was forming in my brain and affecting how I treated Matt. I asked for a transformed heart and to have the attitude of Jesus instead of the attitude of the world. Needless to say, I think I even looked at Matt once and snarled at him.....it just wasn't fair.
I figured I just didn't want to get back into the routine of going to work. I loved being in my pjs till 1pm and doing things on my own agenda. But then one week continued into two weeks, and two weeks went into three......
Have you ever woke up one morning out of the blue and wondered----How in the world did I end up in this place?
The past couple of weeks I have been reevaluating my life and what I spend my time on most--work. Do I feel passionate about what I put my time and energy into? I've been reading more and more about boundary lines in your life, the boundaries that God asks each of us to set in place in our lives to promote healthy relationships. And I've realized that I have allowed many boundary lines to be crossed with my relationship with God, my relationship with my husband, relationships with friends, and relationships with work and the coworkers that are associated with work. I've been praying through what that looks like as I move forward in placing new boundaries in my life--and putting then in place in a healthy way.
I've also noticed that my lack of energy is related to feelings of burnout. I was reading another blog and the topic was written about finding yourself feeling burned out by everyday tasks. He defined burnout for himself as: "Burnout happened when I became increasingly unable to inject my unique blend of passion and personality into an environment that could meet a legitimate need in the world."
Once of the things that I have noticed is my lack of energy to be creative in my surroundings. To my own fault. I think as humans, sometimes we find ourselves doing things of habit, and before we know it we realize that all forms of uniqueness have been stolen from our lives. We do things to get things done...and we wind up at the end of the day feeling spent and having not much of a viewpoint that differs from a robot.
Another thing that I have noticed (which Matthew and I have spoken about this and he doesn't mind me sharing) is that when I look back over these past 5 years, I have had many different jobs that have had me doing many different tasks. But one thing remains, they haven't been things that create more creativeness in me. With the struggle of Matt trying to find a full time, permanent teaching job, I feel I have found myself having the life sucked right out of me. I work because I have to. If I don't work, we can't pay the bills. I've realized that I have been feeling trapped. Feelings of having a lack of freedom to be who I really think God has made me, because if I don't work, we won't survive. I've noticed that I've been feeling a bit resentful because I don't have the freedom to go back to school, or take art classes at a local center, because we either don't have the money for tuition, or because my work schedule doesn't allow me to pursue those dreams. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal that is being backed into a corner of the room. I find myself not breathing and holding my breath. Sometimes I feel so suffocated.
Have you ever been out in an open field, or taking a walk through a set of trees and you see an airplane flying overhead waiting to land soon? You look up as it flies directly overhead-- you see all the parts of the plane clearly. You wonder if the people in the plane are looking down at you, as you are looking up at them. You see the logos
on the side, you hear the rumble in your heart from the engines. And then, like a ton of bricks falling on your head you realize that this plane is probably flying at 500 miles an hour, but it looks as if it is going so.....slow....That is how I feel like my life is happening....each event is so slow....but literally the years are flying by and I don't know how I landed at this place.
So what am I to do?
"Burn leavened bread as a thank offering and brag about your freewill offerings--boast about them, you Israelites, for this is what you love to do," declared the Sovereign Lord. "I gave you empty stomachs in every city and lack of bread in every town, yet you have not returned to me, declares the Lord." Amos 3:6-7
I feel like we have went from town to town, trying to find work for Matt. The Lord has given us plentiful times and given us times of need.
I fully believe that when I go to Jesus each morning and I ask him to open my eyes, heart and mind to the things of his Word that I need to hear, I believe that He will do so. This morning I read this. And it has left me with many many questions. Lord when have I not returned to you with my whole heart? When during these 5 years have I not sought your guidance, asked for your provision in lean times, asked for your comfort in times of grief, thanked you Lord for all you've done for us, and asked how we could serve you more?
I'm feeling at a loss for words. I don't know what more I can do to overcome this...Lord what more can I do with my time? Is it all just a matter of having the right attitude with a response full of reverence? I just don't know anymore....
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