So these past two months have been pretty tough.
(---I feel like I say this every post! Maybe it's because there will always be trials, but the important thing is how you deal with them). For the past 6 years, the majority of my let downs or dissappointments have been through Matthew. And when I say that I mean, I always felt the pain of his dissapointments as he was trecking the path of employement with Ohio Schools. The pain that he would feel with rejection, I identified with so much because we are not separate but one. I took on his pain as my own.

But this is the first time in the past three years where this pain has been my own. Sure I've had my ups and downs and little dissappointments along the way, but this dissappointment was huge in my life and in many ways has sent me in a downward spiral with my thoughts.

I had applied for an internal position through my employement. I thought for sure that I would have the right qualifications, the right thing that they would need especially with my work experience. But apparently I didn't. They chose someone else.

I've been going through this time of rejection pretty hard. The thoughts of, the people in my life, the people that can really make a difference....are always choosing someone else. How do you deal with that kind of rejection when you struggle with feeling like you're not good enough just the way you are?

So this has spiraled my thoughts out of control. Not only did I think that I wasn't good enough deep down, but my current employer didn't think I was good enough either. How are you supposed to handle that?

So God and I...yeah, we've been going up and down with this for the last 6 weeks. Thinking sometimes just isn't good--because most of my thoughts just run away from me and go to places that I never intented for them to go. And before I know it the whole day has passed, sometimes even a week has passed and I'm in a completely different place that I never intented for myself to arrive at.

Two Saturdays ago, I was working at the library on my normal day off. It was a rather slow day, so I decided to go shelve the children's picture books. The longer I was shelving the more I realized how messy the books looked. I decided that I would spend the majority of the afternoon, as long as we weren't busy, straightening the picture books. The longer that I was there, the more I started to think. My mind was in a gradual decline as I was thinking about work and all the complications and frustrations of the past week. I found myself repeating in my head...."I just wish I was something to somebody." repeated it a few more times, until suddenly I felt that I heard God say (not audible, with angels and harps playing, but the gentle whisper in my heart) saying " Kim, you ARE somebody already. You are to Matthew, you are to Moey (his life saver), and most importantly you are to ME." It felt like I just had a bolt of lightening stike me on the head. "I am somebody."

Which then led me to the question...."Why did I define if I'm somebody or not just by my current job title?" (which I know the answer to this question...sometimes people treat admin like they are useless...that's why) A job title is just a couple of words strung together. It doesn't mean that once you get that title that you're suddenly more important than others. You prove your worth by the respect that you get from others---which that respect has to be EARNED.

Yesterday, as I was sunning myself in the lawn chair in the backyard, I was also spending my time with Jesus. The birds were chirping, slight breeze in the air, and my big diet coke with bubbles and ice sitting next to me. It was what I picture heaven to be like. I was coversing with God in my head a bit and I felt like he was speaking again (in my heart not with robes of white coming from the heavens) This is my interpretation:

"Kim, I know that this has hurt you deeply. And I don't like to see my children hurting, but rest assured that I'm going to use this hurt for you good. I didn't want this to happen, this was not apart of the plan that I had for you, but I am going to use it. I knew that it was going to happen, but I didn't cause for it to happen the way that it did. Trust me with all the feelings that you're feeling. I know them all and I know where all of them are stemming from. Just trust me that I'm using your joys, your frustrations, your tears and your hurts for your good. They are not being wasted."

I think I can live with that.

....discipline...

Althought my Moey to the left is quite cute.....

The feelings and deterimination of Lent quite honestly are starting to wear thin. I've already failed on my promise to Jesus a couple of times, and quite frankly because of the guilt of faltering on my promises, I'm struggling to even have the desire to recommit. I need more discipline in my life that's for sure....

One of the things I did this weekend to try to be more determined to get my priorities back was get in the garden. Jesus has taught me so much toiling away in the soil. My soul has been yearning for that time. If only the weather would cooperate.

Saturday was supposed to be a promising day outdoors. The weather man said early Saturday morning that it was supposed to be warm....around the 60-65 degree mark. Rain would be coming in the evening. Boy was he WRONG! Right after putting a load of clothes out on the line at noon, the rain drops started to fall. So frustrating. I trudged back out in my purple rain slickers and quickly took the clothespins off the line. Headed back down stairs into the basement and hung them up since our life has been absent of a dryer for over 3 years. What could I do now??? I got out my library vegetable planting books and got my supplies together.

One of my goals this year for my garden is to grow my own vegetables....from SEED. I would love to be able to live fully off the land....and stop resorting to paying for over priced, processed foods. But we live on a quarter acre of land....I go only do so much with mother nature.

For the past year, to the disgustement of those that surround me, I have been keeping a fully stocked worm bin in the basement. It's secluded to a corner of the basement...no one would even know it was there if I wasn't so excited and proud of them. I've been feeding them newspaper scraps, old banana peels, egg shells, coffee grounds, rotten fridge food we didn't eat fast enough.....anything that worms would love to digest. And what do they produce?? Lovely casting...or in other terms...POOP. I water them every few days, they continue to eat and have worm babies, and then they poop, and poop, and well poop some more. This is the whole existence to their lives. They eat wasted food and....poop. But oh how that poop does wonders to my plants and veggies!!!! In the bottom of my compost worm bin there are tiny holes that allow the water to seep through. This water/poop is so rich is nutrients it is literally making my plants grow like weeds! LOVE IT! So many of my plants that were bordeline dead have vibrated back to life!

The beauty of nature sometimes astounds me! God knows his creation so well----the master creator who thinks of everything and doesn't forget a single thing.

So Saturday I headed to the basement through the thunderstorm. I kept my slickers on, got out the step ladder, placed it in front of the bin---sat down and started clawing through the poop with my bare hands. Back with nature.....I had to peel the top layer of compost back to get to the nutrient rich compost. I started picking up clumps and pulling them apart. Sometimes revealing 10-20 worms....sometimes nothing. I needed to separate the worms from the compost. Then I'd throw it in the bucket next to me. Once I had picked through enough compost, I mixed the compost with potting soil. I wanted my seedling to get the most energy possible! Once that was complete, I filled all my pots with this nutrient rich potion. Poking little holes in the top layer of soil, I started planting my seeds. Broccolli. Green peppers. Tomatos. I put little sticks inside of them with little flags with the letters B, P and T to hopefully distinguish which plants are which. I actually think I messed up a couple of the pots so we might have a surprise in a couple of weeks after they germinate!

I then walked up the basement steps with a tray full of pots. Walking around the corner I see Moey on the floor hanging his head in shame. Because of the thunder, and because he thought I left him he peed on the floor! In an instant I was so angry...but then compassion swelled over me. He was just scared, he thought I left him, and the booming was so loud. Althought I was in the basement, not too far from him, according to him I was too far away. Oh how many times I have felt this way about my Savior. Only to realize that Jesus has been there all along. I was just focusing on the storm....

In the spare bedroom upstairs (after cleaning up a puddle!) I placed the stools and tables next to the window. I placed the tray full of pots on the tables. And then watered them. I have so much hope for these seedlings. There is something powerful in digging your hands in the earth (and worm poop) and doing something useful with your hands. Hopefully my hard work (along with the worm's hard work of eating!) will be productive, and bring a little more discipline back into my life.


Only those who are willing to plant will see a harvest.....

“You must once and for all give up being worried about successes and failures. Don’t let that concern you. It’s your duty to go on working steadily day by day, quite quietly, to be prepared for mistakes, which are inevitable, and for failures” (Madeleine L’ Engle, Herself, 72)

...my...prayer...for...this...day...

I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed. This poor soul cried, and was heard by the LORD, and was saved from every trouble. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; happy are those who take refuge in him. Psalm 34: 4-8

"Some people don't believe in helping the poor. They think that the poor are poor by choice,
that they've decided not to work and shouldn't complain when they suffer. And while
that might be true on occasion, a woman collecting cow dung in Delhi works every bit as
hard as the president of a huge company....The people who say such things have never
scooped up cow dung, have never seen their children go hungry. They haven't suffered,
and they never really stop and think about what causes suffering, about how
we're all the same, but how some are born into better worlds than others."
**~~excerpt from The Wishing Trees by John Shors