"Some people don't believe in helping the poor. They think that the poor are poor by choice,
that they've decided not to work and shouldn't complain when they suffer. And while
that might be true on occasion, a woman collecting cow dung in Delhi works every bit as
hard as the president of a huge company....The people who say such things have never
scooped up cow dung, have never seen their children go hungry. They haven't suffered,
and they never really stop and think about what causes suffering, about how
we're all the same, but how some are born into better worlds than others."
**~~excerpt from The Wishing Trees by John Shors

the beginning of Lent = a fresh start

The beginning of Lent begins today...it seems from last year I've got a lot to live up to. It seems like such a long time ago from last year. Sometimes I wonder what I would look like physically if I would have kept up on my Paleo diet. Would I be pretty ripped and thin...or would I have gave up? Something tells me that if I would of stuck with it, I would look completely different than I do now.....but my feelings on meat has changed a bunch just with one comment I heard on tv.

"The fate of an animals life should not be determined by my appetite."

Rings true to me--I eat a lot less meat now a days and I feel much better without it.

So what will my Lenten challenge be this year? I have one serious oath that I have made to God that I will keep nameless for all you in blogosphere. It's not that it's something that I don't want to be accountable for, but something that is very private to me and I have one person in my life that is holding me to be accountable. That is enough for me. I seriously think this is something that I can overcome and make a personal life change. What this thing is has made me trust and find security in things besides my God. Which is very wrong....I'm hoping that this lenten season will begin a new life practice.

On Monday as I was walking the perimeter of our house checking out what the torrential flood of water did to our yard,something small and yellow caught my eye. I had a new crocus flower open and bloom. I have many, many flowers sprouting from the ground at this moment. Literally hundreds, but this was the front runner and first to open it's bloom. I couldn't help but run inside to get my camera and take a picture! New life---it can't help but make you smile.

I've been battling over some feelings lately that have literally gotten me into the pits. It's been one of those seasons where you have a hard time seeing how God has been moving in your own life because you're too stuck on seeing him move in others lives. A lot of things are changing in our lives as a whole. The groups of friends that we hang out with are changing, our work situations are changing, feelings of being left out or left behind are surfacing. Overall just a time of stress and discouraging moments. Have you ever had a time where it feels the whole world is swirling around you and you're the only one standing still? Or have you seen repeatedly God answers others prayers so easily, and you're still waiting on the sidelines wondering if God even cares. Or so many things in the past have been a "no" that you don't want to go to God anymore because it'll just be a no because you have no reason to believe that it would be any different?

It's been one of those seasons.

There are three things that Matt and I have been praying for some time about. They seem very unrealistic to those who don't believe or don't trust in God. I even talked with a fellow worker who told me blantantly, "Kim these aren't good economic times, I doubt very seriously that THAT will happen."

What a discouraging thing to say to someone!
I went home that evening and had to "talk it all over again" with Matthew and we both came to the same conclusion that our God is bigger than our circumstances!

And then I look down at my little pup Mo. His whole 8 years of life he was waiting for someone to love him and show him that he mattered. I'm sure, especially with the process of helping him to heal and be the dog that he was always meant to be, he never thought that would happen. I truly believe that God never wanted to see him go through so much pain and trama, but it got him to us. It was a slow process, it took many months for him just to feel comfortable with us. Sometimes even today when I have my tennis racket in my hand or we raise our voices, he cowers down in a scared position with his tail between his legs. I'm sure he never thought he would find a forever home. But God had different plans for him.

Just like with Moey, and with the renewed hope of flowers coming out of the ground, winter does not last forever no matter how difficult it is to see past the cold. God makes ALL things new.

So with this Lenten season beginning today, my hope is for new things. Just like that little flower and like Mo, I can grow to be the person that I'm supposed to be: new and different.

God is BIGGER than my circumstance......

Simplicity...what does that really mean?

Since my last post, I have been aching to take a few moments to write....the urge to just sit and contemplate my life in it's entirety, is literally seeping out of every pore of my body....

Life has been real busy these past few months. For weeks in a row I would spend every evening AFTER work Tuesday-Friday either meeting in groups, serving our students at our youth events, or making some effort to take care of my already failing, out of control body. With all the busyness I've been racked with guilt for all the things that I know are important and should be important to me that need to be a priority, but the time is just NOT there. I've been running at full speed winding up at the end of the day exhausted and overall not an impressive person to be around. I've been cranky, unloving, and just bitter.

I can tell quite quickly when my life needs to slow down and be re-examined. The month of February has been a month of struggles and frustrations, and I'm sure will continue into March. I've got a lot of pent up junk in this battlefield of my mind. But with God's help, I will overcome. Just like the tulips and hyacinths that are popping through the soil now, God makes all things new. I'm time for new growth.

I was made aware of the need for simplicity just this past week. I was in the grocery store, the epitomy of hurridness and frustration. I had a time limit of 60 minutes in at Krogers and had a lot to get, with the use of coupons which always slows me down. To add to the frustration, I ran into a person from my past that totally me caught off guard. We had one of those moments where you stare at each other, a few moments pass as you try to figure out who they are, and then it's gone (and you're secretly hoping that they do not remember where they know you from). Not a word uttered, which was COMPLETELY fine. I totally did not want to have a "catch-up chat" with this person. But I found myself flustered the rest of the grocery trip. I continually found myself looking down the aisle before I ventured down it. I did not want another ackward moment with this person. Along with the surprise, a rush of feelings from that time that I thought I had resolved came like a flood, washing over me. Feelings from 6-8th grade! Are you kidding me....I thought those were resolved YEARS ago---like 13 years ago. But obviously I hadn't. One more reminder from my sweet Jesus that my mind is a battlefield, and Satan will use anything to take me down, anything.

The script continues......I'm getting ready to check out.

I've got about 10 coupons, money I want to add to a gift card so that SISCA get's 4% of my total purchase. How much to add? Mentally add up my total in my head.. Is this enough money? Oh, sir please don't use the (dreadful) plastic bags...here I have my own... Gosh, is it hot in here? My arms aren't moving fast enough! Please don't crush my grapes or drop my apples... Was that run up correctly? Did you get all the coupons? Did you scan them too fast that they didn't ring up? MAN...it is so hot in here! Is it just me? I should have taken off my coat along time ago! Okay...I didn't put enough money on the card--those grapes were more expensive that I thought. Okay here's $2 more dollars. I should have got a bigger cart, please don't shove the bag on top of the other bag just to fit. Okay!!!! Thank you---have a great day!

Then I walk to the car and just sit there after putting my bags away. That was the most intense 4 minutes of my life......I don't need this stress.

When did a grocery shopping trip become so stressful? Is it seriously worth all this? Yes, I need to buy food for my family, but why such a rush? Who cares about the pressure of the person behind me. It's not healthy for me. And why can't grocery stores have more personal service like they used to. Where the customer is valued, and it's not about getting people through the line so quickly. Why don't you hire more cashiers so people don't have to rush!

But I feel through it all, God was speaking to me.....come to me child, for I will give you rest. Tell me your concerns....you haven't been talking to me like you used to. I miss the real you....

So here's to slowing down, allowing new growth to happen by talking with my Jesus, and letting him take the reigns...

"I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go" --Francesca Battistelli

Happy 10th Birthday Moey!

Today, I am priviledged to announce that my beautiful boy Moey is having a birthday! He is turning 10 today!!! This is his "supposed" birthday as we aren't quite sure what day he was officially born on, and to what year he graced this good earth.
We brought Moey into our home and adopted him 2 years ago today. We adopted him through an organization called BREW's beagles. (Beagle Rescue, Education, and Welfare) www.brewbeagles.org Matt and I had been looking online for some time, mulling over if this was something that we wanted to commit to. I had always promised myself that if we ever got a dog, even if it was the most unruly thing we had ever brought into our home, we would never return or abandon a dog that we had adopted. When you adopt, you adopt for their entire lives. Not only on the basis if they fit into your family. I knew if we made this commitment it would be just that, a commitment.
When I saw Moey online, I just knew he was the one. Even thought the adoption price was high, and many dumb factors such as money came into play, I knew that I would pay anything to have this dog a part of our family. What can I say---he became a part of my heart.
There has been so much in my life that has changed in these past two years, because of him. He has brought so much laughter, compassion and growth into our home. Because he was abused we've been able to see growth in him and the process of healing that has had to take place for him to open up to both of us. He still has his moments of fright when we raise our voices too loud, or when we swing our arms to quickly. BUT he has grown immensely over the past two years. Not only is he a happy puppy, but he is joyful. I think that if he could smile, he would. (which he has one time when he got a lick of really good ice cream!) Before he didn't really frolick in the yard, but now he runs.....he never used to give kisses, but he now has sneaked a couple when we least expect it.
Today I am thankful for:

*the laughter he has brought into our home
*his random tail wags where he only wags the last 2 inches of his tail
*how his head turns when something is said that is interested
*his raccoon ears that perk up when he hears a strange noise
*the way he takes off from the back porch at full speed into the backyard
*the way he runs around the house in circles, running on the back of the couch like a race car
*the way he slips on the tile floor when he is chasing his bone
*the way he gets sticky granola pieces stuck to his ears while eating his bones
*the way he looks like a kidney bean when he sleeps, with one ear over his eye
*the way he sticks his tongue out like a snake when he's yawning
*how he loves hot milk like a cat!
*the way he sleds down our stairs into the living room instead of walking down ever step
*how he lets our nephews and nieces love on him, even though they pull his hair sometimes
*how he tucks in his rear end when you touch his tail when he's running
*the way he scratches his back in the backyard upside down
*how when you tickle his neck he lays his head down on the ground
*how his front legs look like he's marching on his walk, and his back legs are going to a party

and the best of all:
*they way he loves us unconditionally
Happy Birthday Moey! You have made our lives much better, and we hope that your life is and has been more than you could of ever asked for! We love you so much!

Wishing I Could Bring You That Rose Now

Every season in life stirs different emotions and feelings in me. I haven't quite nailed these feelings down yet, and maybe I'm not supposed to.

I've been thinking about the way that humans remember their lives. We take photos, we make scrapbooks, we write in our journals, and we tell stories. I was thinking about how when we are born our parents take many many pictures throughout the course of our lives. Then when we meet "the one", we take many many pictures of each other together. We get married and hire someone to come in just to take the pictures. Then we have babies and start the whole process over again. It seems all of our happy moments we need to record in some way because we may forget them. The happy moments are the first to slip away. Especially when pain seeps into our lives. Why is it that we never take pictures of our deaths? Is it because the pain is so real that we don't need pictures to remember it by?

My 88 year old grandmother, Ruth Annabelle Jones passed away on October 25, 2010. We knew that this day was going to come. Death is 100% for all individuals. There is no escaping death. It will happen to all of us. But it seems that no matter how much you prepare for this time, you can never fully prepare for it. Death is one of the most simple things in the world, but with all the feelings and complexities of emotions, it is one of the most complicated things to endure.

I feel so ashamed and guilty that I didn't visit her more. For the majority of my life, she literally lived 5 miles away. But I still didn't go visit her. I didn't feel like we had much in common, and I thought that I had other things I needed to do. When she moved into the nursing home just 5 minutes away, I visited her about every 3 weeks. What did I have that was so important?

The last time that I visited with my grandma was on Oct 03, and she slept the majority of the time. Her cancer had spread to many areas of her body that caused alot of pain. She was so heavily medicated for the pain that many times it would set her into a deep sleep. She was sitting back in her recliner, with the baby quilt that she hand made across her lap. The back of her hair was flat from sleeping so much. I was sitting next to her in the chair and my dad was across from me. My dad and I were talking and sometimes she would wake up and have a 2-3 minute conversation before falling back asleep. I will never forget that she said that I had "really pretty tennis shoes". She said she "really liked the purple." At the time it made me really smile, but now it brings tears to my eyes.

It had been almost 3 weeks since I had seen her last. I don't think that I really thought that she was as bad as she was. There is a rose in my backyard, that when we first moved in, at first glance I thought of grandma Jones. She would love that flower. It just looked like her. So when it would bloom (which is 3 times a year) I would clip off one of the roses and ride my bike down to visit to give it to her. The rosebush was blooming in the days previous from me planning on visiting her. It had 3 tiny buds just waiting for some warmth from the sun to open up. I was going to visit her October 25 in the afternoon once I got off from the library. But I was too late. She was gone even before I was done working. When I came home that afternoon, the buds were in FULL bloom. They bloomed, but she never got to see them again.

Part of my remembering her will always be that rose. I brought two of the three to her viewing and funeral, and then as she was lowered into the ground, I placed them on the tombstone. She did get them.

Grandma, I will never forget those times that we shared in the nursing home. Playing a mean game of yahtzee and bingo, trying to learn how to quilt from you, and how you were growing grass and flowers in the springtime in a window box. You and grandpa Ned have taught me so much in my life and have molded me into who I am today. You are still teaching me through your death. The world was much better because you were here. We all will NEVER forget you....you have made a bigger impact than you will ever know.....love you and miss you.