Contemplating Life and Death

As many many people read in the paper and heard on the news two weeks ago today, a very faithful servant and friend was tragically shot and killed. I didn't know Brandon Haskins very well. Although his fingerprints are over the place here in the Avenue, his design work and creativity only gave us so many times to interact. When we did interact it was always filled with laughter and many many jokes. He was a guy who wanted to have fun and laugh. All of the memories that I have of him included laughter.

I've had people in my life pass away. People that are very very dear to me. My first experience with death was my grandfather, Ned Jones. He passed away just 4 days after my 7th birthday. I remember, although it was only Oct 16, it was snowing, rather hard. I remember seeing my dad cry for the first time. I remember sitting on my dad's lap, him bouncing me with his knee while I cried. I remember him rubbing my back telling me that it would be okay. Since then, I've had other family members pass away because of disease or old age. It was a part of life, I took the time to grieve and whenever I thought of them I didn't feel immense sadness, but good memories.

It wasn't until my best friend in the whole world passed away. I was 25 years old. I had been anticipating her death for awhile, and I tried to hold onto her every moment. Cherishing everything she did. On Aug 1st of 2007, just as my resurrection lillies were in full bloom overnight, my beautiful beagle of 16 years, CoCo, passed away. I remember being in the vet room, while my dad hugged her and I held and hugged her back legs as she went home to be with Jesus. I remember how calm she was, like she was ready to go. I remember watching her breathe and then in an instant she wasn't anymore. I still struggle with watching Moey sometimes while he is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder if he has stopped breathing too. I've never come to terms with how one second she was alive, and the next minute her body had already went cold.

These past two weeks I've realized that I still haven't come to terms with the meaning of death. I still can't fully wrap my brain around this fact of life.

I know someday this will be me.

Someday I will be in the ground, ...dead.

Because Brandon was taken so young, it's made me realize just how close death could be to me. Am I using the most of today?

Some of the things I've really been contemplating and thinking about have been mind boggling. I can't shake it from my mind. Brandon deserved MORE. He deserved a more peaceful way to go. He didn't deserve to be shot. He didn't deserve to have his life taken in this way. I prayed through some things. I firmly believe that God didn't want this to happen. He was even more sad than all of us. Part of the consequences of being able to have free will is the abilities for others to make poor choices.

His step-dad made a choice. He chose to do many things. But along the way I've realized that because we can make our own decisions, we aren't free from not altering the people around us. All of the decisions that we make each and EVERY day effect those around us. You CAN'T make a decision today that only effects YOU. It made me realize just how much power that God has given his beautiful creation, us humans. His step-dad made a very powerful decision.....and all I can ask is "God why have you given us so much power?"

On our 5th anniversary trip to Louisville, Kentucky I really thought about this while we were in the Hard Rock Cafe. Our hostess (with a bunch of metal flare all over his uniform!) sat us down at a table. He basically chose our view, our waiter, how we heard the music coming through the tv speakers, how the lighting effected our vision, and the lighting that was cast across Matt's sweet face. Just by where we sat down. We all carry around a lot of power that effects every single person.

Brandon's death has made me think about many things. His life and death isn't in vain. Although we all wish that he was still here with us, he is changing the face of eternity through his death. I hope I come to the point in my life, when it's time for me to pass from this world to the next, that my death makes such a difference. Smiling for you today Brandon.....because life was wonderful because you were in it....

When have things become not big enough?

I've been contemplating a couple of things here lately as I stroll through our neighborhood, ride our bikes in the neighborhood down the road, and as I walk Moey in the neighborhood next to ours--"the big block". I've started to begin to wonder--"when did our generation begin to not get "enough"?
A realization came to me when we lived in Bowling Green, Ohio. We were just starting out as a married couple. We were so fortunate and blessed to be able to rent a real home our first year of marriage. It was such a cool house. We also were awakened to the incredible expense of heating an old 100 year old home!! Our landlords were in Amsterdam Holland, serving on a year long mission and needed to rent out their new home to a couple. They hadn't even lived in the home themselves! It was a decent sized home. It had two living rooms, hardwood floors, incredible woodwork around the doors and windows (windows beautifully big and tall), two bedrooms and a washer and dryer. It also had a nice back and front deck with a good size yard. Just a couple of blocks over though were EXTREMELY big homes.
My first job was doing interior design work for window treatments. I was able to go in many, many homes and help homeowners choose blinds, curtains, and furniture covers. Many homes were so large and expensive and I started to notice a trend. Not only were their homes HUGE, but also their cars, their spouses, their children and their own waistlines. There houses were also filled with an incredible amount of STUFF. It was as if they couldn't get enough things: not enough to own, not enough to buy, and definitely not enough to eat. We would ride our bikes through the neighborhoods and I couldn't help but think: how many people here have a balanced lifestyle in most aspects of their lives? I know we all can't be perfectly balanced in every area, but how many of them are trying to be balanced???
I've noticed this in Englewood as well. Our neighborhood has beautiful, older, homes. Most houses were built in the 1940s. Each of them are UNIQUE (which you can't say that now a days!) They are all roughly 1200-2000 sq ft including the basement.
I sat in the backyard after our run last week and thought about my generation. After my grandmothers auction, I've been feeling differently about items that I collect, and the things that are in my possession. I think I've become more picky about the things that I purchase and spend my money on. I've also been thinking about both sets of grandparents and the way that they lived their lives. Both sets of grandparents built their homes, the size that they are. Which ironically was the size of many homes in that day. When did my generation not think they were big enough?
Matt and I live in a 1200 square foot home, 2000 if you include the basement. We live on a 1/4 acre plot, we have a small living room, 4 small bedrooms, 2 small bathrooms, a small dining room and kitchen. But it's BIG enough for us. Why are my peers not satisfied with a smaller home? Why do they want the biggest and best even if it lands them in debt up to their eyeballs? Sometimes it leaves me sickened when I think about how my generation has deteriorated in quality and the values of what is really important.

"open the blinds...so I can feel like I have a little life in me"

My grandmother was put into a nursing home a couple of months ago. I try to go and visit with her at least every other week, as I know she has other family members coming on a regular basis to come and see her. I didn't make it in to see her for the past month...I was "too busy". Matt and I went to see her on Sunday, and the moment I walked into her room, I was racked with guilt and shame for being "too busy". How are you ever too busy for family and friends?...especially those that live a half a mile from your house?

From my visits with her, I've been seeing a side of my grandmother I've never seen before. I've seen her joke around, play a mean game of Yatzee, and win many quarter playing BINGO!

Growing up, we didn't visit with her too much. My grandfather died just after my 7th birthday...4 days to be exact. I remember that day exactly. I remember seeing my grandfather Ned for the last time at my birthday party, and then just 4 short days later, being in the basement where the heart attack took him. I remember it being an extremely frigidly cold day and I vividly remember crying. My grandpa was such an important person in my life at that time. He was the guy I played UNO with.....

My grandmother had surgery to have her cancer removed last Tuesday. She's had a rough two weeks with all the tubes, vacuums and sponges sucking out infection and disease from her body. To top it all off, she's also been suffering from memory loss and sudden nervous attacks.

When we visited with her on Sunday she was excited to see that we were visiting. Her face brightened up, and she smiled a big smile. She quickly asked Matt to open up the blinds for her to be able to see outside. She said "can you open up the blinds for me a bit?... I want to feel like I have a little life left in me."

It's amazing how a little bit of light can drastically change your mood...and the fullness in spirit that dwells inside.....

significance

I've been struggling the last couple of weeks with the thought of : Is my life really making a difference in others lives? Is what I spend the majority of my time doing, really helping other people in any way? My entire life, I've always resorted back to this question. There are times when I can't deny the fact that I am making a difference in others lives. But then in my lower valleys of life, I always have to reevaluate what I'm actually doing on this big blue-green planet. Seriously, what am I doing??

I've been grappling with this question after something was said in front of me in passing. It was said by a person of leadership in my realm of influence and sent me into a tailspin on many different occasions when I let it get to me. It was said that certain people with "potential" were invited to take part in a group of intense discipleship. I remember sitting there thinking---"so what does this say about me?" I've rolled around this thought in my head of "do I even have potential?" When I honestly take a look of the situation and I talk things over with my Jesus, I realize that I probably wouldn't want to be involved in that type of situation to begin with. But there is something inside of me that craves to be included. Craves to be seen as someone that could change the world. Craves to have a life when it is all said and done that had "potential" and a calling. But am I that kind of person with those kind of qualities? One one particular down day, I was sitting with Moey in the backyard. He was frolicking around in the backyard in our tall grass that was up over his head. We had to let it grow because there were spring flowers growing in the midst of the tall stalks. I couldn't wait to have it mowed down because it reeked of snakes and wild animals. Moey in particular loved to run and romp in the grass. He came running up to me on the back steps and I saw something gray on the tiny hairs of his belly. I looked close and to my astonishment was a small, tiny, baby snail hanging on for dear life to his fur. I gently peeled him off, which Moey didn't even notice this snail was taking a hitchhiking ride on his under side. I gently put him on the concrete of the back steps and just stared in amazement at this little creature. ... ... ...

God created him...

He took notice of him...

and He cares for him...

So I may not be significant or have potential in some people's eyes....but I AM significant in my Creator's Eye. Praise Him!

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." 1 Peter 5:7

I can honestly say that this past month has been full of so many highs and so many lows. With the Paleo challenge and Lent ending on Easter April 4, normal American food has been brought back into my diet. I've been eating things that I hadn't eating in over 46 days, my workouts have still been happening, but I take day breaks in between. I've been working a lot more between the Avenue and the library. Things have changed very quickly and very drastically and I feel like I'm just hanging on....

One morning in particular was real bad, or at least it started off that way. I was having a pretty crummy morning. And for the days before, I wasn't having any luck with anything that I put my hand to. I did my devotions that morning and cried out to God--"Lord, please just show me one nugget of truth today that I'm not a complete failure in everything that I'm trying." I read--silence. Nothing. So I moved on.

I saw down to blow dry my hair--don't cry Kim. Did my makeup--don't cry Kim, you definitely don't want to mess this all up after you just did it." Got in the car and drove to work and I just let the tears fall--I couldn't hold them in much longer. Got to work, sat at my desk and opened my emails, after avoiding everyone because I didn't want to have to answer any questions. I saw an email from Chastity, the trainer that did our Paleo challenge. I kept reading and down at the bottom it said this:

" You winner is....Kim Brubaker. I know she stays hiding out over at the Avenue during the day, but Kim has made great changes and continues to do so. Her accountability partner was Cheryl B, who I know, kept up on her and made sure she was staying Paleo clean and working out. Kim has been coming to the Avenue to do workouts by herself, which is incredibly hard to stay motivated and disciplined to do. Her food was continually spot on during the challenge. She would bring it in for me to see and make altercations to. Kim, your hard work is inspiring!! Congrats!"

I couldn't believe it! I WON! All the hard work payed off! I had won $100, and also a month of membership to Practice CrossFit in Troy (valued at $150). I couldn't believe that something that I had put my hand to had finally brought success in my life!

I've been going to CrossFit for the past 3 weeks now. I have 10 days left in my one month membership and I've already seen drastic results in my body shape. I'm hoping to have my body measurements taken again at the end of the month trial to see if I did in fact make my goal of 22% body fat. But through it all, even with the consistency of my workout, and trying to eat Paleo clean, I feel as if I'm on a rocking ship, just trying to stay on board.

Last Wednesday was a day of losing my "final straw". Matt heard back from two different schools that week that neither of them wanted to hire him for full time employment. I heard it right before I was going to CrossFit and I did absolutely terrible at that practice. On the drive back I couldn't help but just cry. "Why again God?" "You say you have all of these plans for each of us, but we feel like we're just hitting dead ends." "What are we doing wrong?"....Silence...

Before all of this shook down, Matt and I were over at my grandparents house having lasagna. We were sitting around the table, all finished with our meals. Somehow the topic of my great grandma Helen came up. My grandma Jean said "I hope I leave an imprint like her someday. Here we are, 10 years after her death and we're still remembering and talking about her legacy. I hope I am remembered that way." she then went on to say "I remember when Pat (my grandma's sister) was dying from cancer. The day that she died, Grandma Helen went into her room at her house and held Aunt Pat and told her over and over again--it's okay Pat to let go--go and be with Jesus." Later that day, my Aunt Pat died. My grandma said that she didn't remember my grandma Helen crying at all. But she didn't have resentment or anger towards God either. She had the kind of faith to know that Aunt Pat was with Jeuss, and that was that.

I've been thinking about that now that this tragedy has once again occurred in our lives. How do you get faith like that? How do you stay strong when God is silent? How do you keep believing when you don't even believe that God has a plan for you anymore? Everyone keeps saying--well it happened for a reason, and I do believe that, but what do you do with the feelings of pain and disappointment that still linger? How can you be happy for others when they are continually succeeding time and again, when you're just here, waiting? In the silence...?