I'll start this blog off by first saying that the true nature of my postings come from my life experiences, things that I've been rolling around in my head, and things I've pondered on lately and throughout my life. I've been thinking about something for the last couple of weeks, because I've had many situations in many different locations on this exact topic. It's made me questions the things that I say and the way that things are taken by others.

I've had two things said to me repeatedly throughout my life by many different people that are in my realm of influence. One being "You're too sensitive, lighten up!" and the other being "You need to grow thicker skin." These two comments have bothered me to the core of my being my entire life. I've been spending the last two weeks coming before the Lord each and every day asking him to guide my thoughts and feelings. I truely believe that he knows my deep thoughts, that he cares for them, and that if I only ask, he will sort those feelings out in my heart and make my head understand them.

I've always been very offended by "you're too sensitive". I feel like it takes a very courageous but obnoxious person to say that to another individual. I'm sensitive because that is the way that GOD MADE ME. In previous blogs I've spoke about this very issue because it courses through my life continually. I feel that our society doesn't appreciate sensitivity in others because it causes them to realize their lack of it and also it inconvientes them because they have to think of someone else. Why is being sensitive such a bad thing....it's way better that being callous.

I've also been offended when individuals have told me that I need to grow thicker skin. When I look at this statement, I feel like there is a lot of secular thinking involved. It involves having the characteristic of being sensitive and not being callous to the world around you. It makes me questions "why should I grow thicker skin just so you can have the joy of putting someone else down?" What is the benefit of having thicker skin?....so we can joke around in a way that isn't honoring to Jesus?

As Matt and I were driving down to the Jeffersonville Outlet Mall last Saturday afternoon I spent some much needed time in the car thinking about my past week at work, and my interacts that week with specific people outside of work. I love the people I work with, but sometimes it's just difficult being a woman in a workplace surrounded by men. Sometimes you have some serious personality differences. But as we were driving down I turned to Matt and asked him my hypothetical question of the day: "Do you think Jesus joked around with his friends?" I think it stunned Matt for a moment and then he said "no". I asked him why he thought that and he replied "When you're joking with someone about something they've done, it never raises them up and edifies them. It's usually a put down to make the person telling the joke be elevated while the other shrinks." How true.

I looked up "joke" in the dictionary and this is what one of the meanings said:
something that is amusing or ridiculous, esp. because of being ludicrously inadequate or a sham; a thing, situation, or person laughed at rather than taken seriously; farce

I don't mean to be a downer in the blog, but I've definitely examined my own life and continue to do so each day to check my heart and the words that flow from it. I've come to the conclusion that there are two types of jokes. One type of joke looks at a situation and sees the humor or ridiculous elements in that situation and makes a laugh from it. It's not aimed at a person, but the situation that the person finds themselves in or has purposely put themselves in. The other type of joke is aimed at a person and the character they possess. This is where I believe a joke isn't just a joke anymore. Joking in it's truest essence isn't bad, or wrong, or a sin. But it becomes a sin when it's aimed at another person and their character.

In my quiet times I've prayed intensly for some clarity because many times when I approach the throne of grace I feel so inferior I feel that it is seeping from my pores. I want to know if there are any offenses in my life when God looks at me. He has brought to my attention some verses.

Matthew 12:37
Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can
be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation."

Matthew 15:17
But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the
heart. It's from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments,
murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, lies, and cussing.
That's what pollutes.

I've been memorizing these verses because I feel they are so important for where I work, where I spend my evenings, how I treat my husband and how I interact with others. Out of the heart is where your words flow. So sometimes in situations where I'm being made fun of about who I am and not just the situation I'm in, that's when it stops being a joke anymore. It's out of your heart. It's not something that I just need to grow thicker skin over, or I need to stop being so sensitive. It becomes an issue where we all need to check our heart because it's SIN, not just some lighthearted joke.

This week I've had some major guilt and conviction in my heart for the way that I have treated others by the words that I've said. I'm sorry to those of you that I've said cruel and hurtful things to. Forgive me and Forgive me Jesus!

On Thursday July 16, 2009, Matthew and I celebrated our 4th anniversary of being married. Boy how time has flown by! I still remember exactly how the days felt right after we were married in our house on Grove Street. The sun reflecting and refreacting through our front stained glass window, the air blowing through the giant skinny windows as the sheers blew into the room. Somehow that first year, looking back, was magical. It was also filled with a lot of trials, saddness and working through expectations that we had for one another. Something I've learned clearly these four years is that God's hand is in EVERYTHING. And that he'll work in every situation if you only let him.

I've been learning alot through spending time outdoors lately. We take our pup, Mo, on a walk at the Englewood Metropark at least once a week. On a couple of those adventures, I've been deep in thought as we walked side by side, stopping about every 10 yards for a quick squirt! God started revealing in my heart as I pondered my past experiences that everything, in some way or another was constructed by his hands.

That out of conrol bush over there...yeah God wanted it to grow there..... .......the multicolored miniature leaves forming in that puddle on the side of the trail....yep, he contructed those with the tips of his fingers.......the nasty grub that is crawling in the dirt......he placed it there to eat the harmful organisms growing precisily in that spot.....the wildflowers growing on the crest of the cliff.....those were his polka dots placed where life shouldn't grow. His hand is in everything!

Everything that Matt and I have experienced have been crafted in the palm of his hand. And for those harmful situations---where i struggled to find a job and have contentment for three years....the many times Matt struggled to take his praxis and ultimately get his certification.....the many, MANY fights we had that first year that honestly caused us to scream at each other that we desired to get a divorce more than be married because the pressure was just to much for 23 year olds to bear....he used them to make us who we are today.

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect." 1 Corinthians 15:10

When I study this verse I don't see the "I am what I am" as being something lofty because I know where I could be....and by God's grace thankfully I'm not what I could of been.

I sit in our backyard sometimes and stare at our "spaceship" with all of our perennials. I started to think about what the bulbs look like deep in the earth, and then how radically different the plant looks after it has burst through the soil reaching for the sun. It really doesn't make sense. How do normal round onion like bulbs make hyacinth? How do little twigs make lilies? How do small stems make beautiful roses? How do little round balls turn into beautiful spiky purple pom poms? ....it's the work of God's hands....and it's the work of the plants looking to the only source that can change what they are.

As the sun is for the plants, I have no where else to look but my Savior to see change in my life and my husband's.....as we do our life together....I love you babes and Happy Anniversary!!!

Just because you can?

I've been rolling this around in my brain for some time now....probably about a month. I really believe that God's been pressing on my heart to look at the things that have happened in my past, a deep look, and to see the areas on my heart that I need to surrender to him to have him work through and heal. Sometimes even though surrending the hurt is difficult, the process that healing requires is sometimes harder to go through than the redeption of being healed from the hurt.
When Matthew and I first got married, I had really low self esteem. In most areas of my life today I still do. But when I first got married, it was LOW. I felt great to be his bride, his new wife but I carried around alot of insecurities about who I was. I just had some dreams stripped from my heart, which I can honestly say that I feel like God stripped me of those. I desired to pursue a career in Interior Design so badly....but over the course of my junior and senior year in college I believe God was stripping my heart of that desire. He showed me the materialism in that career. He showed me that sometime individuals that pursue that career are only catering to the "wants" of others through material items. Helping others "keep up with the Jones'". I knew God was pressing on my heart that this wasn't something he did desired for me.
From my perspective now, I can see why. I would of been terrible at this career. God has taken me to a place where I feel, "if you like something, who cares if it's not "fashionable"....put it in your home because YOU like it! Who cares if it doesn't match the thing next to it, or the overall design of the room. If you like it, DO IT! Don't answer to what others think is best....and of course don't buy something just because it's name brand or expensive"
Back to that first year of marriage. I was in a dead end career that I wasn't passionate about. I wanted to contribute to our marriage and because I had so many insecurities I tried just about anything....even MARY KAY. (gasp!) What was I thinking?
I had met a particularly dreadful woman in one of my networking groups through my job. She was an elite Mary Kay salesman....boy was she manipulative......
She tried everything to get me to sell cosmetics....I was strong at first....but over the days and months following....after much persuading with talk of "you'll make this much, and think of what you can do, and yada yada yada" I succomed to the pressure and agreed to be a consultant. Seriously...what was I thinking!? I mean look at me---I almost hate wearing makeup....why did I think I could sell any? I didn't have that much charm. BUT one of the many good things that came out of that experience was I was asked to make a "goal" poster. Since I think I'm a pretty creative person this is what I came up with.
It wasn't just a list on a piece of paper tacted to my wall, it was a collage of all the things I desired for my life at that moment. Some of those things have changed, but some of them listed below I have realized that God has answered.....without the help of Mary Kay.
1. Flowers on my kitchen table every week!

2. A GRAND deposit on our first home!

3. To give my husband the opportunity to go back to school to become a pricipal.

I've been spending alot of time in my backyard lately with the nice weather. I usually take my afternoon coffee, my bible and present book outside to sit on my reclining lawn chair out under the walnut tree. Mr.Mo walks slowly out with me and we sit under the tree, hearing the wind blow through the trees, and I calmly look at my backyard that surrounds me and the blessing of a home that is front of me. Mo and I take a look around and just sigh. God is a GOOD God.

4 years ago I didn't think this would even be possible. Matthew and I started and lived the following three years of our lives together making less that $10 an hour each. College grads....it was such a tough pill to swallow for over three years....many times we felt humiliated and embarrassed. But God taught us something through this. I feel like he was saying to us...you don't NEED anything. I've given you everything you've ever needed. You have a roof over your head, two cars that run perfectly fine, food on your table, money for heat and electric and the ability to be obedient to me and tithe. What are you seriously complaining about?
We saved and worked through it. We watched every penny, I mean every penny. The only thing that we spent money on that we didn't "need" was our cell phone policy (which by the way was the cheapest plan they had and we got free phones to boot!). God taught us a lot through those three years that have carried us to where we are today.

Even though Matthew is struggling to find a job right now, God is still overflowing us with blessings. Depsite it all God gave us the diligence to save our pennies to be able to put a "grand" deposit on our first home. He has provided us a home with an abundance of gorgeous flowers in our backyard. I do get to put fresh flowers on my table each and every week in my home because of the surprise of all the flowers that bloom each and every season. (which were not apparent when we first bought the home...I didn't even know they were there!) And quite possibly Matt will be able to go back to school soon to get his masters. God has answered all of our prayers...even the simple one of flowers on my table. God is always good and he cares for every one of your thoughts.

We're now at a place where we could buy new clothes if we wanted to, as we never did the three years we were saving every penny. We could buy new fixtures for our home. We could buy furniture for upstairs so our relatives don't have to sleep on an air mattress when they come to visit. But the thing that God has put in our hearts is we just "don't have the desire to buy things anymore". Sure the thought of buying new things passes through our head every once in a while....but deep down the things that we do have are good enough for us and our "status". If something isn't broken, why replace it if it works just fine? Why buy something "just because you can?"

Drivers.....Start Your Engines!

This past weekend....after a very long and rainy day working at the library, Matthew and I decided to treat ourselves and actually go on a date for the first time in many, many, MANY months. We hadn't been to the Mansfield Raceway for over two years and right up the road, about 40 miles is a racetrack called Eldora Speedway. We had never been to this track and they were having a Family Fun Night for only $8 admission. We jumped on that price since it usually cost about $20 bones a person for admission. Since the rain had cleared and the sun was trying to peak through the clouds, casting silver linings everywhere, we took Mo for his walk, kissed him farewell, and jumped in the car ready to see some races. Something about the sounds of many car engines reving and getting into gear creates adrenaline rushes thoughout the veins of Matthew and I.

There is something about racing. Now granted, I don't agree with the whole idea of racing. In many ways it seems very hillbillyish to me and when you really think about it, it's a bunch of macho guys going around in a circle.....over and over again. Plus environmentally it's not the smartest idea as it wastes a ton of fuel. But the excitement of a pack of cars, reving their engines, tires spinning, and bumpers bumping creates excitement. Before the official race began with the stock cars the announcer came over the speaker. They offered up a time of prayer. They prayed for our armed forces, for our country and president. They actually said Dear Jesus. This prayer was far from a generic prayer to sooth the mind of drivers and racefans. This announcer meant what he was praying....... Once the prayer was over the announcer asked for everyone to stand as they sang the National Anthem. Before the first line of the song was spoken...the announcer added .....

"And to the greatest country in the world"

..... I almost wanted to sit down. After those words were spoken I felt quite naseaus. Since when did we become the GREATEST country in the world? Since when are we better than any other country? Since when are we, as citizens of the United States better than other citizens? People make up countries....countries aren't countries without people? I'm an American. I love my country. But in no way do I feel that I am better than individuals that live in China, or Holland, or Spain. Do I feel that I have more opportunities because I am an American. oh yeah....but it doesn't make me a better person. When did America because so simple minded....prideful...boastful in their country?

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female,
for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:28

Dear Jesus...may I see the needs of the world through your eyes....may you convict my heart to break over the things that break your heart...may I cry over the things that make you cry....may I smile at the small things that make you smile and may I take notice of the way you are moving....

Suttle Reminders from a Flowerbed

Sometimes I really feel like this is what my face looks like when I step out into the flowerbeds and see all those terrible weeds sprouting their little buds through the fresh damp soil. In the past I have blogged many time about the things that God has whispered into my ear as I struggle, strain, and have my eyes bulging out pulling out thistles. The learning really never stops.

Mondays have now become my day to work out in the yard. I'm trying to get a head start this year, catching the weeds growing at a manageable height so that I don't become overwhelmed and frustrated. My goal is to go out every night of the week that I have off to quickly scan the beds with a spade and bucket in hand. I'm not being unrealistic as I know I'll never completely get rid of these pesky weeds, but I have hope that I'll be able to keep them under control.

As I was pulling out these weeds Monday afternoon, while Mo was tied to the hammock bar and laying soundly asleep on the grass, the sun beating down on my neck, God started whispering again. The breeze was cool on my skin and would send slight chills up my arms as God gave suttle reminders of the effect of weeds in a persons heart.
Mark 4: 20 out of the Message states "But the seed planted in the good earth represents those who hear the Word, embrace it, and produce a harvest beyond their wildest dreams." What is the condition of the soil of my heart? Is it full of rocks and trash, making the seed unable to grow? Do I have thorns and burrs cluttering my heart soil so that the good seed is being chocked out?

As I was pulling up these terrible weeds I started to actually inspect the thistles themselves. Do you realize how ugly these things are? The stem is full of stickers, the leaves are full of stickers.....EVERY centimeter of these weeds are full of stickers!! These stickers were created so that animals and predators would avoid eating the nutrient rich flowers that these weeds produce. These weeds were specifically created to be enemies to every other human being.....hmmm....do I sometimes have an attitude that shoves everyone else away?

As I was pulling up the thistles on the side of the garage in between the tulips I came across one particular thistle that was so stubborn. I pulled and yanked until my eyes literally felt like they were going to bulge out like in the cartoons. Would not move an inch. I reached for the spade, pushed the soil on the top aside and started spiking that spade in the soil. Still no movement. I then grabbed the top of the thistle at the base (that was at least an inch across) pulled once again. Suddenly I heard I ripping in the soil and out came the root. I was shocked when the root surfaced. It was over a foot long. I did some research and found a section view of their root systems compared to other plants. I started to think, "Why are these plants so hideous and their roots so long?" I feel as if God gently spoke again saying quietly to me,
"the ugliness of these plants have been growing for a very long time without anyone knowing about their growth but me. By the time they sprout through the loose soil, they have been going for many days and weeks. What about you Kim, what are you harboring in your heart? What weeds have been growing and growing around your heart choking out all life that you don't think anyone sees? I see them."

Once the side of the garage was finished I moved to the side of the house with the tulips, daffodils and hyacinths. The thistles were growing in between the beautiful flowers and even some were wrapped around the amazing flowers even before they were able to bloom. As I tried to uproot these thistles, accidentaly I uproot the beautiful bulbs. God again whispered, "Some of the things Kim in your life that are good, well because you've let these thistles grow around them, the only way to get rid of them is to uproot the good as well. If only you would of caught these "thistles" when they first started to grow instead of trying to hide them from me."

Lord Jesus, I know that I have many, many things in my heart that are distracting me from living the life that you desire for me. I ask Lord that you'll take the blinders off of my eyes Lord. Help me to see clearly the "thistles" and the type of "thistles" in my heart that are preventing me from being who you desire me to be. Jesus, I know that you have great things for me, but I will never get to experience them if I live in my present state. I know that you desire for me to live a life that is blooming with beautiful flowers, not ugly thistles. Help me to live the kind of life that honors you with a clean heart.

I thought I'd add this quote from the book that I am currently reading ---- "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd. Definitely a good read with some spiritual truth hidden between the pages.

"We walked to the woods beside the pink house with her stories still pulled soft around our shoulders. I could feel them touching me in places, like an actual shawl.
"There is one thing I don't get," I said.
"What's that?"
"How come if your favorite color is blue, you painted your house so pink?"
She laughed. "That was May's doing. She was with me the day I went to the paint store to pick out the color. I had a nice tan color in mind, but May latched on to this sample called Caribbean Pink. She said it made her feel like dancing a Spanish flamenco. I though, 'Well, this is the tackiest color I've ever seen, and we'll have half the town talking about us, but if it can lift May's heart like that, I guess she ought to live inside it."
"All this time I just figured you liked pink," I said.
She laughed again. "You know, some things don't matter that much, Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person's heart--now, that matters. The whole problem with people is--"
"they don't know what matters and what doesn't." I said, filling in her sentence and feeling proud of myself for doing so.
"I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. You know how hard that is, Lily? I love May, but it was still so hard to choose Caribbean Pink. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters."