Just because you can?

I've been rolling this around in my brain for some time now....probably about a month. I really believe that God's been pressing on my heart to look at the things that have happened in my past, a deep look, and to see the areas on my heart that I need to surrender to him to have him work through and heal. Sometimes even though surrending the hurt is difficult, the process that healing requires is sometimes harder to go through than the redeption of being healed from the hurt.
When Matthew and I first got married, I had really low self esteem. In most areas of my life today I still do. But when I first got married, it was LOW. I felt great to be his bride, his new wife but I carried around alot of insecurities about who I was. I just had some dreams stripped from my heart, which I can honestly say that I feel like God stripped me of those. I desired to pursue a career in Interior Design so badly....but over the course of my junior and senior year in college I believe God was stripping my heart of that desire. He showed me the materialism in that career. He showed me that sometime individuals that pursue that career are only catering to the "wants" of others through material items. Helping others "keep up with the Jones'". I knew God was pressing on my heart that this wasn't something he did desired for me.
From my perspective now, I can see why. I would of been terrible at this career. God has taken me to a place where I feel, "if you like something, who cares if it's not "fashionable"....put it in your home because YOU like it! Who cares if it doesn't match the thing next to it, or the overall design of the room. If you like it, DO IT! Don't answer to what others think is best....and of course don't buy something just because it's name brand or expensive"
Back to that first year of marriage. I was in a dead end career that I wasn't passionate about. I wanted to contribute to our marriage and because I had so many insecurities I tried just about anything....even MARY KAY. (gasp!) What was I thinking?
I had met a particularly dreadful woman in one of my networking groups through my job. She was an elite Mary Kay salesman....boy was she manipulative......
She tried everything to get me to sell cosmetics....I was strong at first....but over the days and months following....after much persuading with talk of "you'll make this much, and think of what you can do, and yada yada yada" I succomed to the pressure and agreed to be a consultant. Seriously...what was I thinking!? I mean look at me---I almost hate wearing makeup....why did I think I could sell any? I didn't have that much charm. BUT one of the many good things that came out of that experience was I was asked to make a "goal" poster. Since I think I'm a pretty creative person this is what I came up with.
It wasn't just a list on a piece of paper tacted to my wall, it was a collage of all the things I desired for my life at that moment. Some of those things have changed, but some of them listed below I have realized that God has answered.....without the help of Mary Kay.
1. Flowers on my kitchen table every week!

2. A GRAND deposit on our first home!

3. To give my husband the opportunity to go back to school to become a pricipal.

I've been spending alot of time in my backyard lately with the nice weather. I usually take my afternoon coffee, my bible and present book outside to sit on my reclining lawn chair out under the walnut tree. Mr.Mo walks slowly out with me and we sit under the tree, hearing the wind blow through the trees, and I calmly look at my backyard that surrounds me and the blessing of a home that is front of me. Mo and I take a look around and just sigh. God is a GOOD God.

4 years ago I didn't think this would even be possible. Matthew and I started and lived the following three years of our lives together making less that $10 an hour each. College grads....it was such a tough pill to swallow for over three years....many times we felt humiliated and embarrassed. But God taught us something through this. I feel like he was saying to us...you don't NEED anything. I've given you everything you've ever needed. You have a roof over your head, two cars that run perfectly fine, food on your table, money for heat and electric and the ability to be obedient to me and tithe. What are you seriously complaining about?
We saved and worked through it. We watched every penny, I mean every penny. The only thing that we spent money on that we didn't "need" was our cell phone policy (which by the way was the cheapest plan they had and we got free phones to boot!). God taught us a lot through those three years that have carried us to where we are today.

Even though Matthew is struggling to find a job right now, God is still overflowing us with blessings. Depsite it all God gave us the diligence to save our pennies to be able to put a "grand" deposit on our first home. He has provided us a home with an abundance of gorgeous flowers in our backyard. I do get to put fresh flowers on my table each and every week in my home because of the surprise of all the flowers that bloom each and every season. (which were not apparent when we first bought the home...I didn't even know they were there!) And quite possibly Matt will be able to go back to school soon to get his masters. God has answered all of our prayers...even the simple one of flowers on my table. God is always good and he cares for every one of your thoughts.

We're now at a place where we could buy new clothes if we wanted to, as we never did the three years we were saving every penny. We could buy new fixtures for our home. We could buy furniture for upstairs so our relatives don't have to sleep on an air mattress when they come to visit. But the thing that God has put in our hearts is we just "don't have the desire to buy things anymore". Sure the thought of buying new things passes through our head every once in a while....but deep down the things that we do have are good enough for us and our "status". If something isn't broken, why replace it if it works just fine? Why buy something "just because you can?"

Drivers.....Start Your Engines!

This past weekend....after a very long and rainy day working at the library, Matthew and I decided to treat ourselves and actually go on a date for the first time in many, many, MANY months. We hadn't been to the Mansfield Raceway for over two years and right up the road, about 40 miles is a racetrack called Eldora Speedway. We had never been to this track and they were having a Family Fun Night for only $8 admission. We jumped on that price since it usually cost about $20 bones a person for admission. Since the rain had cleared and the sun was trying to peak through the clouds, casting silver linings everywhere, we took Mo for his walk, kissed him farewell, and jumped in the car ready to see some races. Something about the sounds of many car engines reving and getting into gear creates adrenaline rushes thoughout the veins of Matthew and I.

There is something about racing. Now granted, I don't agree with the whole idea of racing. In many ways it seems very hillbillyish to me and when you really think about it, it's a bunch of macho guys going around in a circle.....over and over again. Plus environmentally it's not the smartest idea as it wastes a ton of fuel. But the excitement of a pack of cars, reving their engines, tires spinning, and bumpers bumping creates excitement. Before the official race began with the stock cars the announcer came over the speaker. They offered up a time of prayer. They prayed for our armed forces, for our country and president. They actually said Dear Jesus. This prayer was far from a generic prayer to sooth the mind of drivers and racefans. This announcer meant what he was praying....... Once the prayer was over the announcer asked for everyone to stand as they sang the National Anthem. Before the first line of the song was spoken...the announcer added .....

"And to the greatest country in the world"

..... I almost wanted to sit down. After those words were spoken I felt quite naseaus. Since when did we become the GREATEST country in the world? Since when are we better than any other country? Since when are we, as citizens of the United States better than other citizens? People make up countries....countries aren't countries without people? I'm an American. I love my country. But in no way do I feel that I am better than individuals that live in China, or Holland, or Spain. Do I feel that I have more opportunities because I am an American. oh yeah....but it doesn't make me a better person. When did America because so simple minded....prideful...boastful in their country?

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female,
for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:28

Dear Jesus...may I see the needs of the world through your eyes....may you convict my heart to break over the things that break your heart...may I cry over the things that make you cry....may I smile at the small things that make you smile and may I take notice of the way you are moving....

Suttle Reminders from a Flowerbed

Sometimes I really feel like this is what my face looks like when I step out into the flowerbeds and see all those terrible weeds sprouting their little buds through the fresh damp soil. In the past I have blogged many time about the things that God has whispered into my ear as I struggle, strain, and have my eyes bulging out pulling out thistles. The learning really never stops.

Mondays have now become my day to work out in the yard. I'm trying to get a head start this year, catching the weeds growing at a manageable height so that I don't become overwhelmed and frustrated. My goal is to go out every night of the week that I have off to quickly scan the beds with a spade and bucket in hand. I'm not being unrealistic as I know I'll never completely get rid of these pesky weeds, but I have hope that I'll be able to keep them under control.

As I was pulling out these weeds Monday afternoon, while Mo was tied to the hammock bar and laying soundly asleep on the grass, the sun beating down on my neck, God started whispering again. The breeze was cool on my skin and would send slight chills up my arms as God gave suttle reminders of the effect of weeds in a persons heart.
Mark 4: 20 out of the Message states "But the seed planted in the good earth represents those who hear the Word, embrace it, and produce a harvest beyond their wildest dreams." What is the condition of the soil of my heart? Is it full of rocks and trash, making the seed unable to grow? Do I have thorns and burrs cluttering my heart soil so that the good seed is being chocked out?

As I was pulling up these terrible weeds I started to actually inspect the thistles themselves. Do you realize how ugly these things are? The stem is full of stickers, the leaves are full of stickers.....EVERY centimeter of these weeds are full of stickers!! These stickers were created so that animals and predators would avoid eating the nutrient rich flowers that these weeds produce. These weeds were specifically created to be enemies to every other human being.....hmmm....do I sometimes have an attitude that shoves everyone else away?

As I was pulling up the thistles on the side of the garage in between the tulips I came across one particular thistle that was so stubborn. I pulled and yanked until my eyes literally felt like they were going to bulge out like in the cartoons. Would not move an inch. I reached for the spade, pushed the soil on the top aside and started spiking that spade in the soil. Still no movement. I then grabbed the top of the thistle at the base (that was at least an inch across) pulled once again. Suddenly I heard I ripping in the soil and out came the root. I was shocked when the root surfaced. It was over a foot long. I did some research and found a section view of their root systems compared to other plants. I started to think, "Why are these plants so hideous and their roots so long?" I feel as if God gently spoke again saying quietly to me,
"the ugliness of these plants have been growing for a very long time without anyone knowing about their growth but me. By the time they sprout through the loose soil, they have been going for many days and weeks. What about you Kim, what are you harboring in your heart? What weeds have been growing and growing around your heart choking out all life that you don't think anyone sees? I see them."

Once the side of the garage was finished I moved to the side of the house with the tulips, daffodils and hyacinths. The thistles were growing in between the beautiful flowers and even some were wrapped around the amazing flowers even before they were able to bloom. As I tried to uproot these thistles, accidentaly I uproot the beautiful bulbs. God again whispered, "Some of the things Kim in your life that are good, well because you've let these thistles grow around them, the only way to get rid of them is to uproot the good as well. If only you would of caught these "thistles" when they first started to grow instead of trying to hide them from me."

Lord Jesus, I know that I have many, many things in my heart that are distracting me from living the life that you desire for me. I ask Lord that you'll take the blinders off of my eyes Lord. Help me to see clearly the "thistles" and the type of "thistles" in my heart that are preventing me from being who you desire me to be. Jesus, I know that you have great things for me, but I will never get to experience them if I live in my present state. I know that you desire for me to live a life that is blooming with beautiful flowers, not ugly thistles. Help me to live the kind of life that honors you with a clean heart.

I thought I'd add this quote from the book that I am currently reading ---- "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd. Definitely a good read with some spiritual truth hidden between the pages.

"We walked to the woods beside the pink house with her stories still pulled soft around our shoulders. I could feel them touching me in places, like an actual shawl.
"There is one thing I don't get," I said.
"What's that?"
"How come if your favorite color is blue, you painted your house so pink?"
She laughed. "That was May's doing. She was with me the day I went to the paint store to pick out the color. I had a nice tan color in mind, but May latched on to this sample called Caribbean Pink. She said it made her feel like dancing a Spanish flamenco. I though, 'Well, this is the tackiest color I've ever seen, and we'll have half the town talking about us, but if it can lift May's heart like that, I guess she ought to live inside it."
"All this time I just figured you liked pink," I said.
She laughed again. "You know, some things don't matter that much, Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person's heart--now, that matters. The whole problem with people is--"
"they don't know what matters and what doesn't." I said, filling in her sentence and feeling proud of myself for doing so.
"I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. You know how hard that is, Lily? I love May, but it was still so hard to choose Caribbean Pink. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters."

Can You Really Afford That?

I read in the Dayton Daily News a couple of days ago this article about the $1 trillion stimulus package that was just passed. If you look closely this article shows different scenarios of what a trillion dollars could really purchase. Some examples that were shocking to me were:

• A trillon seconds ago--31688 years ago Neaderthals stalked the plains of Europe.
• If you had gone into business on the day that Jesus was born and your business made a million dollars every day, it would take you until October 2737 to make a trillion dollars.
• According the U.S Treasury, the average taxpayer's adjusted gross income was $58,029 in 2006; at that rate, the taxpayer would have to work 17,232,763 years to make $1 trillion.
• A trillion dollars could give every high school student in the United States a free college education.
• One trillion miles is roughly the distance of 350 trips from Earth to Pluto

And these are just some statistics!!! It's crazy the wealth and lack of wealth that the American people have. We were once considered the richest country in the world! Wealth can be deceiving because I really feel that the American people have alot of wealth but it's not enough. They are hungry for more because they don't know the true meaning of happiness has nothing to do with material possessions or money.

After reading this article I have realized in my own life and also observing others that we are so wealthy even if by American's standards we think we aren't. I have been at fault many times complaining about our income. Complaining about the lack of material possessions. The lack of GOOD paying teaching jobs that help us to plan for our future, but we are SOOO wealthy. Really how accurate is the American standard of wealth anyway? Who are they to define what that is?

I have been trying lately not to describe and complain about our lives. I have tried to take those sentence structures completely out of my language because we are beyond blessed. Problems arise, but God has always provided a way out.

I've been at fault for saying this but I've also observed alot of other around me saying this as well. We say things like, "I really wish we could do this but we just don't have that kind of money" when we're driving around in an almost brand new car, if not a brand new car, one that looks amazing compaired to a junker that hardly runs. We also say things like "when we get into this kind of money we can do this...." but we have cable tv at home that cost anywhere for $60-$150 a month. We say things like "I wish I could get a new phone but it's just not in the budget" but yet we have an amazing phone compared to the people that don't have any type of communication to begin with. We say things like "I can't afford this or this" but we have a huge 42" tv at home that is the focal point of our living room. (which to me says that is the focal point of your life while you're at home, why else would you have a need for a tv that big). I've even caught myself saying..."if only we would of purchased a bigger, nicer, cuter house!!!" How obsurd and selfish can I be!?!?!?

It's really rather ridiculous. All the wealth that we have, that we turn a blind eye to, and yet we still want more. How much more do we want God to bless us? Can you really afford to live life absent minded, wanting only more?

Be Careful What You Wish For

WARNING: I'm going to be completely honest in this blog. I'm probably going to have a lot of devoted moms (which believe me I believe if you are a mom, you should be completely devoted to your children) upset and angry at me, but I've been rolling around some thoughts in my head for over a year and I just need to blog about them. I may have completely different views from you and you can call me whatever you wish, but these are just how I see things from my perspective at this time in my life.

So lately, (and don't make fun of me for this) I've been listening to The Pussycat Dolls album that has "When I Grow Up" as one of it's tracks. For some reason I really like this song and many others on the disc. One of the phrases in the lyrics say:

"Be Careful What You Wish For, CAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT".

This statement is so true. You do have to be careful what you pray for and what you wish for. What you desire is where your heart is, no matter what the outcome is and how differently it may be once you get it.

Matthew and I prayed for a VERY long time to be home owners. We tried to have very good money practices and tried to save every penny we could on our measly incomes to save up for a down payment on a house. When the time came that we could put a sizable amount down, we started looking for homes, all the while praying for God to allow this to happen if it was his will. As some of you may know, after we purchased our home, I lost my job just one short month later. ONE MONTH. We were suddenly pushed into a situation that was very hard, scary and sent us into fearing if we would be able to make it. This was just something we didn't see in our future and weren't planning on.

I was talking to my sister about the struggles and as the conversation went on and on, the conversation went from telling her our struggle to me complaining about our hardships and how I was very unhappy. She cut me off very quickly and say "Well Kim, this is what you prayed for for three years. You had a BIG desire to own your own home. God gave you this desire of your heart. Now stop complaining about it. You asked for a home and this is just the outcome that has happened. God has put you in this position to trust him, obey him, and love him anyway even though it is tough right now. God gave you the home you wanted." My response at the time was "Well I didn't want the home if it was going to be this hard." I was blind-sighted by the comment, pretty irritated at my sister, but it was the truth. This is what we desired. The home was what we wanted, even though the circumstances following were not what we had though they would be.

This leads me to the mom part. This past year I have observed so many moms complain about the situation that they are in now that they have children. I've heard moms say that they never have time for themselves, they don't get much sleep, and that everything is just so hard. I have such a hard time biting my tongue and asking "Well what did you expect by having a child? This is what comes with the territory" I've heard so many moms use their children as excuses to get out of responsibilities and go home early (such as, well Timmy needs to go home now or Timmy prevents us from doing this now). I've heard moms say that because they don't have as much time now they can't even iron shirts for their husband (which why can't the husband iron their own shirt???)

I've also noticed something else that really bothers me-----It seems that once some individuals become mothers it's as if they forget who THEY are as a person. Everything revolves around their children. You can't have a normal conversation without the mom telling all about what there child has done. Now I love hearing stories about their kids, but the ENTIRE conversation? It's as if they have nothing else to talk about. It's as if their existence has completely disappeared.

Matt and I are all for having children. We want to be truly devoted parents when we decide to have children and when the time is right. But I've observed so many families completely change, sometimes not for the best, that it almost makes me NOT want to start a family. I've seen so many women turn into other women once their children come along that I don't want to be that type of woman. It makes me not want to have kids because I want to still carry on normal conversation with other humans, I want to still be ME--just with an added dimension of myself. It's just frustrating witnessing this. Sometimes I wonder if other moms realize that what they say makes others fearful of having children because of how much they talk "down" about their new responsibilites?

This is the one thing that Matt and I decided when we adopted Mo. I know a dog is completely different from a child, but we're easing our way into responsibility and the added responsibility that comes with a child. We said that we would never use MO as an excuse for anything or use him as an excuse to go home early/not take on things. It's not fair to him. We decide to make the decision to adopt him and by placing blame or using him as an excuse isn't honoring to him in any way and it only makes us look bad.

I'm sure I'm going to get some nasty comments about this post, but I just needed to write my "diary" entry for this. It's only my opinion and you can definitely disagree. Does anyone else feel the way we do?