The Brus

At The Close of Another Year

2011-12-31T20:33:00.003-05:00

What a crazy past 6 months we have had...after a mighty leap of faith, I have found myself living such a life where I can truely say that I am full of not just happiness, but PURE joy.

So much has happened....after much prayer and consideration, I put in my resignation at Ginghamsburg Student Ministry, the place that I spent most of my waking hours at for 3 years in September. It was such a hard decision, but the reason it was so hard was I was living into all of my fears. I let those fears cloud my judgement and get in the way of the powerful, compassionate God that Matt and I try to serve to the best of our ability. I absolutely love my church, but there were some things that I didn't love, and still don't love to this day when I think back on it. It came to a point where those things got too big, and took over the way that I felt about myself and ultimately how I felt that God felt about me, which is a sign that things need to change.

The month of October was spent celebrating our two birthdays, having my first independent craft/art show, celebrating family birthdays and focusing on continuing to work at the library. I felt a big rush of relief as I thought about the possibilities for this new life. Many times I was discouraged, just wondering what would be next, but then I snapped back into reality with the thoughts that "anything" could happen. What a unique and blessed place to be.

With the start of November, there were some rumblings at the library of a position becoming open with the "moving on" of another staff member. On Nov. 18 I was offered a permanent position at the library. I was offered full time, and almost jumped at the chance, but I realized quickly that this was once again an opportunity from the Lord. Matt and I decided that since the time we got married, I worked so much. Usually working between 40-55 hours a week, every week--this was the time to make the decision that I wanted to make, and I knew that God laid before me. I accepted working 25 hours a week with the option to add more hours on a sub basis.

December was full of much anticipation and excitement. This Christmas we were going to do things a little differently. We didn't want to fall into the trappings of spending too much money, having a much too high credit card bill due in January and eventually making Christmas all about US, instead of Jesus. We set a limit--try to find items that conveyed thought, many things handmade from others. And creating things by my own hand. This Christmas we were able to give to others much more what was desperately needed, while also spending less. This Christmas was the first Christmas where we felt that it was truely about HIM. And our memories are much different....in a GOOD way.

So today, December 31st, I look back on 2011. What started out as a year that felt like it was going to be miserable, in a job I honestly hated, less confident in myself than what I ended with in 2010-------- turned into a year that was simply...magical.

As this year comes to a close, I'm very grateful for what GOD has done. He's changed my family, my home, my husband, and..... me. I have so much to be grateful for and my heart overflows.....

managers vs. leaders

2011-07-05T13:34:00.006-04:00

Matthew started his first week of classes last week. He is going for his Masters in Educational Leadership down at the University of Dayton campus. With one week completed out of 6, he has already been learning quite a bit of information that I know will carry over into knowledge. I'm already so proud of him for how he has handled his class load, and how persistent he is with his readings. I'm not sure if I would be focused and undeterred as he is. Just yesterday at Kroger's he pointed out how easily distracted I am. It seems our conversation lasted over 10 minutes because I kept looking at things instead of focusing on what we were saying. I give him a lot of credit for how hard he is working for our family, while also holding a part time job this summer.

One of his classed he has to read a book called "Management of Organizational Behavior". The first night that he sat down to read, I was also reading my novel on the couch. I had my pillows placed perfectly, my pj's on, the little lamp on the stand lit and my fleece blanket over top of me. My little pup was in the crook of my knee sleeping soundly. It was PERFECT. Matthew was at the table with the bright overhead light on reading away. He looked up at me and said:

"Hey check this out---let me read this to you."

Once finished he said---sound familiar? I've been thinking about my own life in general and the people that I have surrounding me. I definitely do not believe that I'm struggling...as how the bible states. But I am wrestling over some ideas and thoughts that just can't escape my mind. One of the things I'm beginning to realize at this point in my life is that I have a lot of "managers" influencing my life instead of "leaders".

I've started to believe that I need to surround myself with more leaders if I want to change some things in my life. I feel like sometimes you need more managers surrounding you at certain times in life and in others more leaders....this is just the stage that I'm in.

God has also been revealing to my heart that I am very much so a manager person. I don't think outside of the box too often, unless it concerns art. For the most part I am: a control freak, manages things, have a short range view, and very often I surrender to the surroundings.

I think I need to step up my game just a bit....

"Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed." Hebrews 12:13

2011-05-21T09:14:00.007-04:00

So these past two months have been pretty tough.
(---I feel like I say this every post! Maybe it's because there will always be trials, but the important thing is how you deal with them). For the past 6 years, the majority of my let downs or dissappointments have been through Matthew. And when I say that I mean, I always felt the pain of his dissapointments as he was trecking the path of employement with Ohio Schools. The pain that he would feel with rejection, I identified with so much because we are not separate but one. I took on his pain as my own.

But this is the first time in the past three years where this pain has been my own. Sure I've had my ups and downs and little dissappointments along the way, but this dissappointment was huge in my life and in many ways has sent me in a downward spiral with my thoughts.

I had applied for an internal position through my employement. I thought for sure that I would have the right qualifications, the right thing that they would need especially with my work experience. But apparently I didn't. They chose someone else.

I've been going through this time of rejection pretty hard. The thoughts of, the people in my life, the people that can really make a difference....are always choosing someone else. How do you deal with that kind of rejection when you struggle with feeling like you're not good enough just the way you are?

So this has spiraled my thoughts out of control. Not only did I think that I wasn't good enough deep down, but my current employer didn't think I was good enough either. How are you supposed to handle that?

So God and I...yeah, we've been going up and down with this for the last 6 weeks. Thinking sometimes just isn't good--because most of my thoughts just run away from me and go to places that I never intented for them to go. And before I know it the whole day has passed, sometimes even a week has passed and I'm in a completely different place that I never intented for myself to arrive at.

Two Saturdays ago, I was working at the library on my normal day off. It was a rather slow day, so I decided to go shelve the children's picture books. The longer I was shelving the more I realized how messy the books looked. I decided that I would spend the majority of the afternoon, as long as we weren't busy, straightening the picture books. The longer that I was there, the more I started to think. My mind was in a gradual decline as I was thinking about work and all the complications and frustrations of the past week. I found myself repeating in my head...."I just wish I was something to somebody." repeated it a few more times, until suddenly I felt that I heard God say (not audible, with angels and harps playing, but the gentle whisper in my heart) saying " Kim, you ARE somebody already. You are to Matthew, you are to Moey (his life saver), and most importantly you are to ME." It felt like I just had a bolt of lightening stike me on the head. "I am somebody."

Which then led me to the question...."Why did I define if I'm somebody or not just by my current job title?" (which I know the answer to this question...sometimes people treat admin like they are useless...that's why) A job title is just a couple of words strung together. It doesn't mean that once you get that title that you're suddenly more important than others. You prove your worth by the respect that you get from others---which that respect has to be EARNED.

Yesterday, as I was sunning myself in the lawn chair in the backyard, I was also spending my time with Jesus. The birds were chirping, slight breeze in the air, and my big diet coke with bubbles and ice sitting next to me. It was what I picture heaven to be like. I was coversing with God in my head a bit and I felt like he was speaking again (in my heart not with robes of white coming from the heavens) This is my interpretation:

"Kim, I know that this has hurt you deeply. And I don't like to see my children hurting, but rest assured that I'm going to use this hurt for you good. I didn't want this to happen, this was not apart of the plan that I had for you, but I am going to use it. I knew that it was going to happen, but I didn't cause for it to happen the way that it did. Trust me with all the feelings that you're feeling. I know them all and I know where all of them are stemming from. Just trust me that I'm using your joys, your frustrations, your tears and your hurts for your good. They are not being wasted."

I think I can live with that.

....discipline...

2011-04-11T21:25:00.007-04:00

Althought my Moey to the left is quite cute.....

The feelings and deterimination of Lent quite honestly are starting to wear thin. I've already failed on my promise to Jesus a couple of times, and quite frankly because of the guilt of faltering on my promises, I'm struggling to even have the desire to recommit. I need more discipline in my life that's for sure....

One of the things I did this weekend to try to be more determined to get my priorities back was get in the garden. Jesus has taught me so much toiling away in the soil. My soul has been yearning for that time. If only the weather would cooperate.

Saturday was supposed to be a promising day outdoors. The weather man said early Saturday morning that it was supposed to be warm....around the 60-65 degree mark. Rain would be coming in the evening. Boy was he WRONG! Right after putting a load of clothes out on the line at noon, the rain drops started to fall. So frustrating. I trudged back out in my purple rain slickers and quickly took the clothespins off the line. Headed back down stairs into the basement and hung them up since our life has been absent of a dryer for over 3 years. What could I do now??? I got out my library vegetable planting books and got my supplies together.

One of my goals this year for my garden is to grow my own vegetables....from SEED. I would love to be able to live fully off the land....and stop resorting to paying for over priced, processed foods. But we live on a quarter acre of land....I go only do so much with mother nature.

For the past year, to the disgustement of those that surround me, I have been keeping a fully stocked worm bin in the basement. It's secluded to a corner of the basement...no one would even know it was there if I wasn't so excited and proud of them. I've been feeding them newspaper scraps, old banana peels, egg shells, coffee grounds, rotten fridge food we didn't eat fast enough.....anything that worms would love to digest. And what do they produce?? Lovely casting...or in other terms...POOP. I water them every few days, they continue to eat and have worm babies, and then they poop, and poop, and well poop some more. This is the whole existence to their lives. They eat wasted food and....poop. But oh how that poop does wonders to my plants and veggies!!!! In the bottom of my compost worm bin there are tiny holes that allow the water to seep through. This water/poop is so rich is nutrients it is literally making my plants grow like weeds! LOVE IT! So many of my plants that were bordeline dead have vibrated back to life!

The beauty of nature sometimes astounds me! God knows his creation so well----the master creator who thinks of everything and doesn't forget a single thing.

So Saturday I headed to the basement through the thunderstorm. I kept my slickers on, got out the step ladder, placed it in front of the bin---sat down and started clawing through the poop with my bare hands. Back with nature.....I had to peel the top layer of compost back to get to the nutrient rich compost. I started picking up clumps and pulling them apart. Sometimes revealing 10-20 worms....sometimes nothing. I needed to separate the worms from the compost. Then I'd throw it in the bucket next to me. Once I had picked through enough compost, I mixed the compost with potting soil. I wanted my seedling to get the most energy possible! Once that was complete, I filled all my pots with this nutrient rich potion. Poking little holes in the top layer of soil, I started planting my seeds. Broccolli. Green peppers. Tomatos. I put little sticks inside of them with little flags with the letters B, P and T to hopefully distinguish which plants are which. I actually think I messed up a couple of the pots so we might have a surprise in a couple of weeks after they germinate!

I then walked up the basement steps with a tray full of pots. Walking around the corner I see Moey on the floor hanging his head in shame. Because of the thunder, and because he thought I left him he peed on the floor! In an instant I was so angry...but then compassion swelled over me. He was just scared, he thought I left him, and the booming was so loud. Althought I was in the basement, not too far from him, according to him I was too far away. Oh how many times I have felt this way about my Savior. Only to realize that Jesus has been there all along. I was just focusing on the storm....

In the spare bedroom upstairs (after cleaning up a puddle!) I placed the stools and tables next to the window. I placed the tray full of pots on the tables. And then watered them. I have so much hope for these seedlings. There is something powerful in digging your hands in the earth (and worm poop) and doing something useful with your hands. Hopefully my hard work (along with the worm's hard work of eating!) will be productive, and bring a little more discipline back into my life.

Only those who are willing to plant will see a harvest.....

2011-04-06T14:59:00.003-04:00

“You must once and for all give up being worried about successes and failures. Don’t let that concern you. It’s your duty to go on working steadily day by day, quite quietly, to be prepared for mistakes, which are inevitable, and for failures” (Madeleine L’ Engle, Herself, 72)

...my...prayer...for...this...day...

2011-04-05T20:40:00.002-04:00

I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed. This poor soul cried, and was heard by the LORD, and was saved from every trouble. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; happy are those who take refuge in him. Psalm 34: 4-8

2011-03-15T13:54:00.001-04:00

"Some people don't believe in helping the poor. They think that the poor are poor by choice,
that they've decided not to work and shouldn't complain when they suffer. And while
that might be true on occasion, a woman collecting cow dung in Delhi works every bit as
hard as the president of a huge company....The people who say such things have never
scooped up cow dung, have never seen their children go hungry. They haven't suffered,
and they never really stop and think about what causes suffering, about how
we're all the same, but how some are born into better worlds than others."
**~~excerpt from The Wishing Trees by John Shors

the beginning of Lent = a fresh start

2011-03-09T11:30:00.003-05:00

The beginning of Lent begins today...it seems from last year I've got a lot to live up to. It seems like such a long time ago from last year. Sometimes I wonder what I would look like physically if I would have kept up on my Paleo diet. Would I be pretty ripped and thin...or would I have gave up? Something tells me that if I would of stuck with it, I would look completely different than I do now.....but my feelings on meat has changed a bunch just with one comment I heard on tv.

"The fate of an animals life should not be determined by my appetite."

Rings true to me--I eat a lot less meat now a days and I feel much better without it.

So what will my Lenten challenge be this year? I have one serious oath that I have made to God that I will keep nameless for all you in blogosphere. It's not that it's something that I don't want to be accountable for, but something that is very private to me and I have one person in my life that is holding me to be accountable. That is enough for me. I seriously think this is something that I can overcome and make a personal life change. What this thing is has made me trust and find security in things besides my God. Which is very wrong....I'm hoping that this lenten season will begin a new life practice.

On Monday as I was walking the perimeter of our house checking out what the torrential flood of water did to our yard,something small and yellow caught my eye. I had a new crocus flower open and bloom. I have many, many flowers sprouting from the ground at this moment. Literally hundreds, but this was the front runner and first to open it's bloom. I couldn't help but run inside to get my camera and take a picture! New life---it can't help but make you smile.

I've been battling over some feelings lately that have literally gotten me into the pits. It's been one of those seasons where you have a hard time seeing how God has been moving in your own life because you're too stuck on seeing him move in others lives. A lot of things are changing in our lives as a whole. The groups of friends that we hang out with are changing, our work situations are changing, feelings of being left out or left behind are surfacing. Overall just a time of stress and discouraging moments. Have you ever had a time where it feels the whole world is swirling around you and you're the only one standing still? Or have you seen repeatedly God answers others prayers so easily, and you're still waiting on the sidelines wondering if God even cares. Or so many things in the past have been a "no" that you don't want to go to God anymore because it'll just be a no because you have no reason to believe that it would be any different?

It's been one of those seasons.

There are three things that Matt and I have been praying for some time about. They seem very unrealistic to those who don't believe or don't trust in God. I even talked with a fellow worker who told me blantantly, "Kim these aren't good economic times, I doubt very seriously that THAT will happen."

What a discouraging thing to say to someone!
I went home that evening and had to "talk it all over again" with Matthew and we both came to the same conclusion that our God is bigger than our circumstances!

And then I look down at my little pup Mo. His whole 8 years of life he was waiting for someone to love him and show him that he mattered. I'm sure, especially with the process of helping him to heal and be the dog that he was always meant to be, he never thought that would happen. I truly believe that God never wanted to see him go through so much pain and trama, but it got him to us. It was a slow process, it took many months for him just to feel comfortable with us. Sometimes even today when I have my tennis racket in my hand or we raise our voices, he cowers down in a scared position with his tail between his legs. I'm sure he never thought he would find a forever home. But God had different plans for him.

Just like with Moey, and with the renewed hope of flowers coming out of the ground, winter does not last forever no matter how difficult it is to see past the cold. God makes ALL things new.

So with this Lenten season beginning today, my hope is for new things. Just like that little flower and like Mo, I can grow to be the person that I'm supposed to be: new and different.

God is BIGGER than my circumstance......

Simplicity...what does that really mean?

2011-02-24T10:43:00.005-05:00

Since my last post, I have been aching to take a few moments to write....the urge to just sit and contemplate my life in it's entirety, is literally seeping out of every pore of my body....

Life has been real busy these past few months. For weeks in a row I would spend every evening AFTER work Tuesday-Friday either meeting in groups, serving our students at our youth events, or making some effort to take care of my already failing, out of control body. With all the busyness I've been racked with guilt for all the things that I know are important and should be important to me that need to be a priority, but the time is just NOT there. I've been running at full speed winding up at the end of the day exhausted and overall not an impressive person to be around. I've been cranky, unloving, and just bitter.

I can tell quite quickly when my life needs to slow down and be re-examined. The month of February has been a month of struggles and frustrations, and I'm sure will continue into March. I've got a lot of pent up junk in this battlefield of my mind. But with God's help, I will overcome. Just like the tulips and hyacinths that are popping through the soil now, God makes all things new. I'm time for new growth.

I was made aware of the need for simplicity just this past week. I was in the grocery store, the epitomy of hurridness and frustration. I had a time limit of 60 minutes in at Krogers and had a lot to get, with the use of coupons which always slows me down. To add to the frustration, I ran into a person from my past that totally me caught off guard. We had one of those moments where you stare at each other, a few moments pass as you try to figure out who they are, and then it's gone (and you're secretly hoping that they do not remember where they know you from). Not a word uttered, which was COMPLETELY fine. I totally did not want to have a "catch-up chat" with this person. But I found myself flustered the rest of the grocery trip. I continually found myself looking down the aisle before I ventured down it. I did not want another ackward moment with this person. Along with the surprise, a rush of feelings from that time that I thought I had resolved came like a flood, washing over me. Feelings from 6-8th grade! Are you kidding me....I thought those were resolved YEARS ago---like 13 years ago. But obviously I hadn't. One more reminder from my sweet Jesus that my mind is a battlefield, and Satan will use anything to take me down, anything.

The script continues......I'm getting ready to check out.

I've got about 10 coupons, money I want to add to a gift card so that SISCA get's 4% of my total purchase. How much to add? Mentally add up my total in my head.. Is this enough money? Oh, sir please don't use the (dreadful) plastic bags...here I have my own... Gosh, is it hot in here? My arms aren't moving fast enough! Please don't crush my grapes or drop my apples... Was that run up correctly? Did you get all the coupons? Did you scan them too fast that they didn't ring up? MAN...it is so hot in here! Is it just me? I should have taken off my coat along time ago! Okay...I didn't put enough money on the card--those grapes were more expensive that I thought. Okay here's $2 more dollars. I should have got a bigger cart, please don't shove the bag on top of the other bag just to fit. Okay!!!! Thank you---have a great day!

Then I walk to the car and just sit there after putting my bags away. That was the most intense 4 minutes of my life......I don't need this stress.

When did a grocery shopping trip become so stressful? Is it seriously worth all this? Yes, I need to buy food for my family, but why such a rush? Who cares about the pressure of the person behind me. It's not healthy for me. And why can't grocery stores have more personal service like they used to. Where the customer is valued, and it's not about getting people through the line so quickly. Why don't you hire more cashiers so people don't have to rush!

But I feel through it all, God was speaking to me.....come to me child, for I will give you rest. Tell me your concerns....you haven't been talking to me like you used to. I miss the real you....

So here's to slowing down, allowing new growth to happen by talking with my Jesus, and letting him take the reigns...

"I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go" --Francesca Battistelli

Happy 10th Birthday Moey!

2010-12-09T14:02:00.001-05:00

Today, I am priviledged to announce that my beautiful boy Moey is having a birthday! He is turning 10 today!!! This is his "supposed" birthday as we aren't quite sure what day he was officially born on, and to what year he graced this good earth.
We brought Moey into our home and adopted him 2 years ago today. We adopted him through an organization called BREW's beagles. (Beagle Rescue, Education, and Welfare) www.brewbeagles.org Matt and I had been looking online for some time, mulling over if this was something that we wanted to commit to. I had always promised myself that if we ever got a dog, even if it was the most unruly thing we had ever brought into our home, we would never return or abandon a dog that we had adopted. When you adopt, you adopt for their entire lives. Not only on the basis if they fit into your family. I knew if we made this commitment it would be just that, a commitment.
When I saw Moey online, I just knew he was the one. Even thought the adoption price was high, and many dumb factors such as money came into play, I knew that I would pay anything to have this dog a part of our family. What can I say---he became a part of my heart.
There has been so much in my life that has changed in these past two years, because of him. He has brought so much laughter, compassion and growth into our home. Because he was abused we've been able to see growth in him and the process of healing that has had to take place for him to open up to both of us. He still has his moments of fright when we raise our voices too loud, or when we swing our arms to quickly. BUT he has grown immensely over the past two years. Not only is he a happy puppy, but he is joyful. I think that if he could smile, he would. (which he has one time when he got a lick of really good ice cream!) Before he didn't really frolick in the yard, but now he runs.....he never used to give kisses, but he now has sneaked a couple when we least expect it.
Today I am thankful for:

*the laughter he has brought into our home
*his random tail wags where he only wags the last 2 inches of his tail
*how his head turns when something is said that is interested
*his raccoon ears that perk up when he hears a strange noise
*the way he takes off from the back porch at full speed into the backyard
*the way he runs around the house in circles, running on the back of the couch like a race car
*the way he slips on the tile floor when he is chasing his bone
*the way he gets sticky granola pieces stuck to his ears while eating his bones
*the way he looks like a kidney bean when he sleeps, with one ear over his eye
*the way he sticks his tongue out like a snake when he's yawning
*how he loves hot milk like a cat!
*the way he sleds down our stairs into the living room instead of walking down ever step
*how he lets our nephews and nieces love on him, even though they pull his hair sometimes
*how he tucks in his rear end when you touch his tail when he's running
*the way he scratches his back in the backyard upside down
*how when you tickle his neck he lays his head down on the ground
*how his front legs look like he's marching on his walk, and his back legs are going to a party

and the best of all:
*they way he loves us unconditionally
Happy Birthday Moey! You have made our lives much better, and we hope that your life is and has been more than you could of ever asked for! We love you so much!

Wishing I Could Bring You That Rose Now

2010-11-05T15:12:00.001-04:00

Every season in life stirs different emotions and feelings in me. I haven't quite nailed these feelings down yet, and maybe I'm not supposed to.

I've been thinking about the way that humans remember their lives. We take photos, we make scrapbooks, we write in our journals, and we tell stories. I was thinking about how when we are born our parents take many many pictures throughout the course of our lives. Then when we meet "the one", we take many many pictures of each other together. We get married and hire someone to come in just to take the pictures. Then we have babies and start the whole process over again. It seems all of our happy moments we need to record in some way because we may forget them. The happy moments are the first to slip away. Especially when pain seeps into our lives. Why is it that we never take pictures of our deaths? Is it because the pain is so real that we don't need pictures to remember it by?

My 88 year old grandmother, Ruth Annabelle Jones passed away on October 25, 2010. We knew that this day was going to come. Death is 100% for all individuals. There is no escaping death. It will happen to all of us. But it seems that no matter how much you prepare for this time, you can never fully prepare for it. Death is one of the most simple things in the world, but with all the feelings and complexities of emotions, it is one of the most complicated things to endure.

I feel so ashamed and guilty that I didn't visit her more. For the majority of my life, she literally lived 5 miles away. But I still didn't go visit her. I didn't feel like we had much in common, and I thought that I had other things I needed to do. When she moved into the nursing home just 5 minutes away, I visited her about every 3 weeks. What did I have that was so important?

The last time that I visited with my grandma was on Oct 03, and she slept the majority of the time. Her cancer had spread to many areas of her body that caused alot of pain. She was so heavily medicated for the pain that many times it would set her into a deep sleep. She was sitting back in her recliner, with the baby quilt that she hand made across her lap. The back of her hair was flat from sleeping so much. I was sitting next to her in the chair and my dad was across from me. My dad and I were talking and sometimes she would wake up and have a 2-3 minute conversation before falling back asleep. I will never forget that she said that I had "really pretty tennis shoes". She said she "really liked the purple." At the time it made me really smile, but now it brings tears to my eyes.

It had been almost 3 weeks since I had seen her last. I don't think that I really thought that she was as bad as she was. There is a rose in my backyard, that when we first moved in, at first glance I thought of grandma Jones. She would love that flower. It just looked like her. So when it would bloom (which is 3 times a year) I would clip off one of the roses and ride my bike down to visit to give it to her. The rosebush was blooming in the days previous from me planning on visiting her. It had 3 tiny buds just waiting for some warmth from the sun to open up. I was going to visit her October 25 in the afternoon once I got off from the library. But I was too late. She was gone even before I was done working. When I came home that afternoon, the buds were in FULL bloom. They bloomed, but she never got to see them again.

Part of my remembering her will always be that rose. I brought two of the three to her viewing and funeral, and then as she was lowered into the ground, I placed them on the tombstone. She did get them.

Grandma, I will never forget those times that we shared in the nursing home. Playing a mean game of yahtzee and bingo, trying to learn how to quilt from you, and how you were growing grass and flowers in the springtime in a window box. You and grandpa Ned have taught me so much in my life and have molded me into who I am today. You are still teaching me through your death. The world was much better because you were here. We all will NEVER forget you....you have made a bigger impact than you will ever know.....love you and miss you.

The Barbarian Way

2010-08-31T09:51:00.004-04:00

I've been reading a new book called "The Barbarian Way" by Erwin Raphael McManus. I've heard from many people that this is a good book to question your faith and make you ask "What am I really doing with it---am I living like a barbarian for Jesus, or sittin on the sidelines of this domesticated life?" My uncle Eric read the book and said that he became angry. He wasn't angry so much at the book, but because the book was pointing out things in his own life, places where he has become domesticated. Like all books, I give them a chance.
Many passages really challenged my faith. I would sit in the backyard on our adirondack chairs under the walnut tree and just think. Moey would be sitting a few feet away enjoying the nice breeze. With my feet on the fireplace bricks, and me knees providing a good desk I would read and read. Every once in awhile I would get hit by a random leaf (that is falling way too soon this season) or hear the chattering of the squirrels in the background. My favorite passage was actually one of the last couple of pages in the last chapter. Throughout the entire book, each chapter had a illustration of rhinos running. I couldn't quite understand what it meant until I read these last pages. McManus states:

"With insects most of us know that bees are called swarms, and ants are called colonies. Among ocean life, I was aware that whales are pods, and fish are schools. Cattle are herds, birds are flocks, and if you watch Lion King, you know a tribe of lions is a pride. If you grew up in the country, you might know that crows are murders. Maybe the most unnerving one is an ambush of tigers.
I was surprised to learn that a group of buzzards waiting around together to feast on leftover carnage is called a committee. Just this one insight is worth the price of the whole book. This explains so much of what's going on in churches--a lot of committees waiting around to live off human carnage.
Groups of flamingos are called flamboyants, which for some reason remind of TV evangelists. And groups of the less glamorous owls are know as parliaments. They do seem sort of British.
But my favorite of all is the group designed for rhinos. You see, rhinos can run at thirty miles an hour, which is pretty fast when you consider how much weight they're pulling. They're actually faster than squirrels, which can run at up to twenty-six miles an hour. And even then, who's going to live in dread of a charging squirrel? (Sorry--that was a bit off the point.) Running at thirty miles an hour is faster than a used Pinto will go. Just one problem with this phenomenon. Rhinos can see only thirty feet in front of them. Can you image something that large moving in concert as a group, plowing ahead at thirty miles an hour with no idea what's at thirty-one feet? You would think that they would be far too timid to pick up full steam, that their inability to see far enough ahead would paralyze them to immobility. But with that horn pointing the way, rhinos run forward full steam ahead without apprehension, which leads us to their name.
Rhinos moving together at full speed are known as a crash. Even when they're just hanging around enjoying the watershed, they're called a crash because of their potential. You've got to love that. I think that's what we're supposed to be. That's what happens when we become barbarians and shake free of domestication and civility. The church becomes a crash. We become an unstoppable force. We don't have to pretend we know the future. Who cares that we can see only thirty feet ahead? Whatever's at thirty-one feet needs to care that we're coming and better get out of the way.
We need to move together as God's people, a barbarian tribe, and become the human version of the rhino crash. The future is uncertain, but we need to move toward it with confidence. There's a future to be created, a humanity to be liberated. We need to stop wasting our time and stop being afraid of what we cannot see and do not know. We need to move forward full force because of what we do know."

So am I living like a barbarian or a domesticated civilian? hmm...

Contemplating Life and Death

2010-07-22T15:45:00.003-04:00

As many many people read in the paper and heard on the news two weeks ago today, a very faithful servant and friend was tragically shot and killed. I didn't know Brandon Haskins very well. Although his fingerprints are over the place here in the Avenue, his design work and creativity only gave us so many times to interact. When we did interact it was always filled with laughter and many many jokes. He was a guy who wanted to have fun and laugh. All of the memories that I have of him included laughter.

I've had people in my life pass away. People that are very very dear to me. My first experience with death was my grandfather, Ned Jones. He passed away just 4 days after my 7th birthday. I remember, although it was only Oct 16, it was snowing, rather hard. I remember seeing my dad cry for the first time. I remember sitting on my dad's lap, him bouncing me with his knee while I cried. I remember him rubbing my back telling me that it would be okay. Since then, I've had other family members pass away because of disease or old age. It was a part of life, I took the time to grieve and whenever I thought of them I didn't feel immense sadness, but good memories.

It wasn't until my best friend in the whole world passed away. I was 25 years old. I had been anticipating her death for awhile, and I tried to hold onto her every moment. Cherishing everything she did. On Aug 1st of 2007, just as my resurrection lillies were in full bloom overnight, my beautiful beagle of 16 years, CoCo, passed away. I remember being in the vet room, while my dad hugged her and I held and hugged her back legs as she went home to be with Jesus. I remember how calm she was, like she was ready to go. I remember watching her breathe and then in an instant she wasn't anymore. I still struggle with watching Moey sometimes while he is sleeping. Sometimes I wonder if he has stopped breathing too. I've never come to terms with how one second she was alive, and the next minute her body had already went cold.

These past two weeks I've realized that I still haven't come to terms with the meaning of death. I still can't fully wrap my brain around this fact of life.

I know someday this will be me.

Someday I will be in the ground, ...dead.

Because Brandon was taken so young, it's made me realize just how close death could be to me. Am I using the most of today?

Some of the things I've really been contemplating and thinking about have been mind boggling. I can't shake it from my mind. Brandon deserved MORE. He deserved a more peaceful way to go. He didn't deserve to be shot. He didn't deserve to have his life taken in this way. I prayed through some things. I firmly believe that God didn't want this to happen. He was even more sad than all of us. Part of the consequences of being able to have free will is the abilities for others to make poor choices.

His step-dad made a choice. He chose to do many things. But along the way I've realized that because we can make our own decisions, we aren't free from not altering the people around us. All of the decisions that we make each and EVERY day effect those around us. You CAN'T make a decision today that only effects YOU. It made me realize just how much power that God has given his beautiful creation, us humans. His step-dad made a very powerful decision.....and all I can ask is "God why have you given us so much power?"

On our 5th anniversary trip to Louisville, Kentucky I really thought about this while we were in the Hard Rock Cafe. Our hostess (with a bunch of metal flare all over his uniform!) sat us down at a table. He basically chose our view, our waiter, how we heard the music coming through the tv speakers, how the lighting effected our vision, and the lighting that was cast across Matt's sweet face. Just by where we sat down. We all carry around a lot of power that effects every single person.

Brandon's death has made me think about many things. His life and death isn't in vain. Although we all wish that he was still here with us, he is changing the face of eternity through his death. I hope I come to the point in my life, when it's time for me to pass from this world to the next, that my death makes such a difference. Smiling for you today Brandon.....because life was wonderful because you were in it....

When have things become not big enough?

2010-07-08T16:27:00.002-04:00

I've been contemplating a couple of things here lately as I stroll through our neighborhood, ride our bikes in the neighborhood down the road, and as I walk Moey in the neighborhood next to ours--"the big block". I've started to begin to wonder--"when did our generation begin to not get "enough"?
A realization came to me when we lived in Bowling Green, Ohio. We were just starting out as a married couple. We were so fortunate and blessed to be able to rent a real home our first year of marriage. It was such a cool house. We also were awakened to the incredible expense of heating an old 100 year old home!! Our landlords were in Amsterdam Holland, serving on a year long mission and needed to rent out their new home to a couple. They hadn't even lived in the home themselves! It was a decent sized home. It had two living rooms, hardwood floors, incredible woodwork around the doors and windows (windows beautifully big and tall), two bedrooms and a washer and dryer. It also had a nice back and front deck with a good size yard. Just a couple of blocks over though were EXTREMELY big homes.
My first job was doing interior design work for window treatments. I was able to go in many, many homes and help homeowners choose blinds, curtains, and furniture covers. Many homes were so large and expensive and I started to notice a trend. Not only were their homes HUGE, but also their cars, their spouses, their children and their own waistlines. There houses were also filled with an incredible amount of STUFF. It was as if they couldn't get enough things: not enough to own, not enough to buy, and definitely not enough to eat. We would ride our bikes through the neighborhoods and I couldn't help but think: how many people here have a balanced lifestyle in most aspects of their lives? I know we all can't be perfectly balanced in every area, but how many of them are trying to be balanced???
I've noticed this in Englewood as well. Our neighborhood has beautiful, older, homes. Most houses were built in the 1940s. Each of them are UNIQUE (which you can't say that now a days!) They are all roughly 1200-2000 sq ft including the basement.
I sat in the backyard after our run last week and thought about my generation. After my grandmothers auction, I've been feeling differently about items that I collect, and the things that are in my possession. I think I've become more picky about the things that I purchase and spend my money on. I've also been thinking about both sets of grandparents and the way that they lived their lives. Both sets of grandparents built their homes, the size that they are. Which ironically was the size of many homes in that day. When did my generation not think they were big enough?
Matt and I live in a 1200 square foot home, 2000 if you include the basement. We live on a 1/4 acre plot, we have a small living room, 4 small bedrooms, 2 small bathrooms, a small dining room and kitchen. But it's BIG enough for us. Why are my peers not satisfied with a smaller home? Why do they want the biggest and best even if it lands them in debt up to their eyeballs? Sometimes it leaves me sickened when I think about how my generation has deteriorated in quality and the values of what is really important.

"open the blinds...so I can feel like I have a little life in me"

2010-06-02T10:08:00.002-04:00

My grandmother was put into a nursing home a couple of months ago. I try to go and visit with her at least every other week, as I know she has other family members coming on a regular basis to come and see her. I didn't make it in to see her for the past month...I was "too busy". Matt and I went to see her on Sunday, and the moment I walked into her room, I was racked with guilt and shame for being "too busy". How are you ever too busy for family and friends?...especially those that live a half a mile from your house?

From my visits with her, I've been seeing a side of my grandmother I've never seen before. I've seen her joke around, play a mean game of Yatzee, and win many quarter playing BINGO!

Growing up, we didn't visit with her too much. My grandfather died just after my 7th birthday...4 days to be exact. I remember that day exactly. I remember seeing my grandfather Ned for the last time at my birthday party, and then just 4 short days later, being in the basement where the heart attack took him. I remember it being an extremely frigidly cold day and I vividly remember crying. My grandpa was such an important person in my life at that time. He was the guy I played UNO with.....

My grandmother had surgery to have her cancer removed last Tuesday. She's had a rough two weeks with all the tubes, vacuums and sponges sucking out infection and disease from her body. To top it all off, she's also been suffering from memory loss and sudden nervous attacks.

When we visited with her on Sunday she was excited to see that we were visiting. Her face brightened up, and she smiled a big smile. She quickly asked Matt to open up the blinds for her to be able to see outside. She said "can you open up the blinds for me a bit?... I want to feel like I have a little life left in me."

It's amazing how a little bit of light can drastically change your mood...and the fullness in spirit that dwells inside.....

significance

2010-05-21T17:05:00.002-04:00

I've been struggling the last couple of weeks with the thought of : Is my life really making a difference in others lives? Is what I spend the majority of my time doing, really helping other people in any way? My entire life, I've always resorted back to this question. There are times when I can't deny the fact that I am making a difference in others lives. But then in my lower valleys of life, I always have to reevaluate what I'm actually doing on this big blue-green planet. Seriously, what am I doing??

I've been grappling with this question after something was said in front of me in passing. It was said by a person of leadership in my realm of influence and sent me into a tailspin on many different occasions when I let it get to me. It was said that certain people with "potential" were invited to take part in a group of intense discipleship. I remember sitting there thinking---"so what does this say about me?" I've rolled around this thought in my head of "do I even have potential?" When I honestly take a look of the situation and I talk things over with my Jesus, I realize that I probably wouldn't want to be involved in that type of situation to begin with. But there is something inside of me that craves to be included. Craves to be seen as someone that could change the world. Craves to have a life when it is all said and done that had "potential" and a calling. But am I that kind of person with those kind of qualities? One one particular down day, I was sitting with Moey in the backyard. He was frolicking around in the backyard in our tall grass that was up over his head. We had to let it grow because there were spring flowers growing in the midst of the tall stalks. I couldn't wait to have it mowed down because it reeked of snakes and wild animals. Moey in particular loved to run and romp in the grass. He came running up to me on the back steps and I saw something gray on the tiny hairs of his belly. I looked close and to my astonishment was a small, tiny, baby snail hanging on for dear life to his fur. I gently peeled him off, which Moey didn't even notice this snail was taking a hitchhiking ride on his under side. I gently put him on the concrete of the back steps and just stared in amazement at this little creature. ... ... ...

God created him...

He took notice of him...

and He cares for him...

So I may not be significant or have potential in some people's eyes....but I AM significant in my Creator's Eye. Praise Him!

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." 1 Peter 5:7

2010-05-12T11:50:00.000-04:00

I can honestly say that this past month has been full of so many highs and so many lows. With the Paleo challenge and Lent ending on Easter April 4, normal American food has been brought back into my diet. I've been eating things that I hadn't eating in over 46 days, my workouts have still been happening, but I take day breaks in between. I've been working a lot more between the Avenue and the library. Things have changed very quickly and very drastically and I feel like I'm just hanging on....

One morning in particular was real bad, or at least it started off that way. I was having a pretty crummy morning. And for the days before, I wasn't having any luck with anything that I put my hand to. I did my devotions that morning and cried out to God--"Lord, please just show me one nugget of truth today that I'm not a complete failure in everything that I'm trying." I read--silence. Nothing. So I moved on.

I saw down to blow dry my hair--don't cry Kim. Did my makeup--don't cry Kim, you definitely don't want to mess this all up after you just did it." Got in the car and drove to work and I just let the tears fall--I couldn't hold them in much longer. Got to work, sat at my desk and opened my emails, after avoiding everyone because I didn't want to have to answer any questions. I saw an email from Chastity, the trainer that did our Paleo challenge. I kept reading and down at the bottom it said this:

" You winner is....Kim Brubaker. I know she stays hiding out over at the Avenue during the day, but Kim has made great changes and continues to do so. Her accountability partner was Cheryl B, who I know, kept up on her and made sure she was staying Paleo clean and working out. Kim has been coming to the Avenue to do workouts by herself, which is incredibly hard to stay motivated and disciplined to do. Her food was continually spot on during the challenge. She would bring it in for me to see and make altercations to. Kim, your hard work is inspiring!! Congrats!"

I couldn't believe it! I WON! All the hard work payed off! I had won $100, and also a month of membership to Practice CrossFit in Troy (valued at $150). I couldn't believe that something that I had put my hand to had finally brought success in my life!

I've been going to CrossFit for the past 3 weeks now. I have 10 days left in my one month membership and I've already seen drastic results in my body shape. I'm hoping to have my body measurements taken again at the end of the month trial to see if I did in fact make my goal of 22% body fat. But through it all, even with the consistency of my workout, and trying to eat Paleo clean, I feel as if I'm on a rocking ship, just trying to stay on board.

Last Wednesday was a day of losing my "final straw". Matt heard back from two different schools that week that neither of them wanted to hire him for full time employment. I heard it right before I was going to CrossFit and I did absolutely terrible at that practice. On the drive back I couldn't help but just cry. "Why again God?" "You say you have all of these plans for each of us, but we feel like we're just hitting dead ends." "What are we doing wrong?"....Silence...

Before all of this shook down, Matt and I were over at my grandparents house having lasagna. We were sitting around the table, all finished with our meals. Somehow the topic of my great grandma Helen came up. My grandma Jean said "I hope I leave an imprint like her someday. Here we are, 10 years after her death and we're still remembering and talking about her legacy. I hope I am remembered that way." she then went on to say "I remember when Pat (my grandma's sister) was dying from cancer. The day that she died, Grandma Helen went into her room at her house and held Aunt Pat and told her over and over again--it's okay Pat to let go--go and be with Jesus." Later that day, my Aunt Pat died. My grandma said that she didn't remember my grandma Helen crying at all. But she didn't have resentment or anger towards God either. She had the kind of faith to know that Aunt Pat was with Jeuss, and that was that.

I've been thinking about that now that this tragedy has once again occurred in our lives. How do you get faith like that? How do you stay strong when God is silent? How do you keep believing when you don't even believe that God has a plan for you anymore? Everyone keeps saying--well it happened for a reason, and I do believe that, but what do you do with the feelings of pain and disappointment that still linger? How can you be happy for others when they are continually succeeding time and again, when you're just here, waiting? In the silence...?

Mission: COMPLETED!

2010-04-13T10:55:00.002-04:00

With the last weigh in approaching, I knew that I wasn't going to reach my goal of 22% body fat. In order to do so, I would have had to lose 5% in one week, and the most I had ever lost in one week was 3.8%. I mentally prepared myself so I wouldn't feel disappointed.

But ironically enough, after that last weigh in I felt so disappointed in myself. I lost 1.5% body fat--closing out my weeks of Lent at 25.5% a total of 12% in 6 weeks! I felt like I had the Biggest Loser syndrome. I was so focused on losing, that I couldn't even be happy for the huge accomplishments that I had made.

I walked back across the parking lot to an empty office. All my other coworkers were out on mission and I sat in the silence of my office mentally beating myself up. I said over an over to myself, "you could of done better Kim, you could of done better--you've failed at this just like you've failed at everything else in your life--come on look at yourself!!" This lasted about an hour and then as I was praying silently while trying to accomplish my work tasks, I felt as if the Holy Spirit jolted me awake. In my head I heard the phrase--"Kim this is the devil trying to tear down your goals and your successes. You succeeded for me--your God."

Instantly my mood changed. I did do a good job. I showed myself that I had determination and could go the distance in perseverance and will power.

Since Lent has been over I've had other challenges that I've had to rise above. I've had people tell me "that I've fallen off the wagon" or "I shouldn't be eating this or that" (when they made fun of me for doing Paleo in the first place and now are doing it after they've seen results in myself and others.) But the thing that they don't understand is I did it for God. I didn't do it for weight loss, or for myself===I did it for my Jesus. I gave up something so dear to me--the ability to chose what I want to eat and follow those desires at my own will--in exchange for a deeper passion and desire to know God as he would supply all of my needs. So "I haven't fallen off the wagon". If anything I've stayed on knowing that I fulfilled my commitment and have succeeded in accomplishing the goals that Christ has set before me.

"don't be a hard rock when you truly are a gem"

2010-03-31T12:05:00.001-04:00

I remember being in 9th or 10th grade, in my biology class, sitting next to my best friend during high school, Trey, and telling him about the "new" cd that I had just got: The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I remember listening to that cd over and over again in my room...singing all the lyrics.

I brought out that cd again after hearing one of the songs during my workout sessions with some friends. Since then I've been listening it to a lot. Some of the things that Lauryn Hill talks about are so true, and really applies to my life right now.

Approaching the last two weeks of this Lenten journey, I've had a bunch of mixed feelings. I'm excited by the progress that I have made in these last 6 weeks, but I also realized at my last weigh in that I couldn't possibly meet my goal of 22% body fat. I would have to lose 5% in one week, and the most I ever lost was 3.7%.. It would just be impossible and quite a miracle if the end result is that.

Each week God has taught me more and more about who I am and some of my characteristics. This week ties in with another Lauryn Hill song "That Thing". She says:

"don't be a hard rock when you truly are a gem"

I feel like this is something that I constantly have to lay down. While I am a very sensitive person, I think for the most part, and I've had a lot of people tell me this too, that I'm a pretty strong person. I can honestly say that I TOTALLY agree. I'm not trying to be cocky or arrogant, but I can definitely say that I've had a lot of disappointments in my short years of life. That's what I did a lot when I was growing up, I had many, MANY dreams....and unlucky enough a lot of them ended in disappointments. In some ways I think it's jaded me a bit because I don't find myself dreaming too much now a days. But I do believe that all of these disappointments have given me a strong backbone and a strong determination. If you say that I can't do something, I'll prove it to you that I can.

And as I see myself as a hard rock, I think I need to not take myself too seriously. I truly am a gem in Christ and I don't think I value myself as a true gem. I think most of the time I'm just focusing on trying to get through the day....and I ignore the character qualities in myself that God has purposely put there.

Another thing that I've been focusing on a lot is the power of words. What do I really mean when I'm talking with other people? Do my words accurately express what I really mean? Am I more positive or negative? I've been noticing this with my husband more too. While I know I'm not the most positive person in the world, I try to tell him--"okay let's not think negatively about this"--"positive vibes please". While I think this new meal plan during the Lenten season may have slimmed my waste line, I think it's also improved my thought patterns and how Matty and I communicate. Okay....now for the final results....eck!

....you know it's hot....don't forget what you've got....

2010-03-24T12:45:00.005-04:00

So this past week was a pretty big bummer on the calipers...I was so discouraged when I walked out of that weigh in. I felt like everything that I had done that week was an actual waste. Only down 0.6%--are you kidding me?

I had a lot of individuals tell me--well you're going to plateau sometime right? You can't be strong every week. But the problem was that I wanted to be strong every week--not so much in the results area--but knowing that I worked hard each and every moment of each and every day. I knew that I didn't. I was losing endurance and determination.

I reflected back on my food chart. I counted the many many days where I only drank one Nalgene bottle instead of three (32 ounces to 96-wow). I counted the fruit I had last week compared to the weeks before (9 fruits to 4). I counted my focus compared to the weeks before (blah, blah, blah--to concentration!) I had a lot of areas to improve on this next week.

After examining my workouts and consumption, I started to examine my prayer life. I began to realize that subconsciously I really thought that I had learned everything that God wanted to teach me through Lent. After I downsized, my super sized head--I realized I still had a lot to learn and that God would never stop teaching me things--especially when I have a ginormous head that needs to be shrinked!

LORD:
"These people say, 'This time has not yet come for the LORD's house to be built."
LORD--to--> Haggai
"Is it a time for you yourselves to be living in your paneled houses, while this house remains a ruin?"
LORD:
"Give careful thought to your ways. You have planted much, but have harvested little. You eat, but never have enough. You drink, but never have your fill. You put on clothes, but are not warm. You earn wages, only to put them in a purse with holes in it."
LORD:
"Give careful thought to your ways. Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build the house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the LORD. "You expected much, but see, it turned out to be little. What you brought home, I blew away. Why? declares the LORD Almighty. "Because of my house, which remains a ruin, while each of you is busy with his own house."
Haggai 1: 2-9

I've been slowly reading through the books of the bible, chapter by chapter. It's no coincidence when you read a section of the bible and it relates perfectly to your life. It was planned just for that day.

I began to realize that this is what I had done last week--I had focused on getting results in my own house (my body), but I hadn't been focusing on Christ and HIS house. The results that he wanted to see in and through me.

I'm reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan. I'm just a few pages in, but I've also realized that I don't understand the Holy Spirit too well. In his book, he posts, "If the Holy Spirit moves, nothing can stop Him. If he doesn't move, we will not produce genuine fruit. No matter how much effort we expend....We are not all we were made to be when everything in our lives and churches can be explained apart from the work and presence of the Spirit of God."

I'm tired of explaining myself apart from the work and presence of the Spirit of God. It's time for more change...more fruit. I know the Holy Spirit is in me...
I know it's hot, and I need to stop forgetting the power that I've got...

week 4 slump

2010-03-17T11:54:00.010-04:00

It's already been the end of the 4th week and it's just now hitting me that I was in a workout slump. It's Wednesday, a couple of hours before I'm supposed to weight in for the following week, and already I'm feeling pretty lousy when looking at my workout chart. I didn't cheat for the fourth week in a row, but I don't feel very proud of the workouts and the workout times that I've put effort into this week. I had one "final workout" last evening that made me feel really good about myself but for the previous 6 days....things were pretty bad.

Last evening, after working 8 hours at my normal job, and then working 3 more at the library, I came home feeling very sluggish (because I didn't have my 4th meal on time) and because it was just a long day. I didn't want to do a workout video and I really didn't want to run, BUT I knew that if I didn't workout today my total break days were going to end up being a total of 3 when I promised that it would never go over 2. So Matt and I hit the pavement. We've been running 2.3 miles about every other day or so, so I felt particularly challenged to push myself since I slacked off the entire week. We decided to run the 5K path that is mapped out directly in front of our house by the city. (oh how convenient). We hit the stop watch at 9:00 p.m. exactly and started off. It was dark..I mean really dark. Every crossing and curb I was nervous that a car wouldn't see us and smack us right in the knees. We go to Wenger Road....went up the slight hill.....ran down Union on the LOOOONG bike path, by the ice cream /custard parlor that boasted "1 more day till opening season" (thinking ohh...I'd like to stop there right now) and then through the creepy cemetary, down National and onto Wolf. Once we hit Wolf we both sprinted...anything to keep those seconds from clicking. We ran our 5K together, finishing together at 30:50. The first time EVER. I didn't stop, I didn't get frustrated when Matthew ran in front of me way ahead, I didn't get frustrated when he stopped and I ran ahead without him, and I didn't get frustrated when he tried to talk with me. We ran the race together and we finished strong. This is the first time I've ever ran a 5K course, competition or not, without stopping. Plus I shaved 3 minutes off of my time. All I can say is I was mighty proud of myself.

I had a run in at work yesterday that made me think about the past week and my relationship with Christ. Since it's Lenten season and this is the first time I've ever taken this seriously-- my goal has been to learn and glean from Christ what he wants to teach me during this time. Coming up to the end of the week and after having this run in, I realized I hadn't prayed much about any lessons I needed to learn. I think subconsciously I thought God was finished teaching me. But I've realized that He desires for me to be disciplined in EVERY area of my life at all times. A successful life isn't successful unless you are aware at all moments.

I've realized that I need to watch my tongue on many different occasions. I've realized that the things I am choosing to do with my health are my business, and while I want to share in community with others, the workplace isn't the appropriate place to do so, even if they are my friends outside of work. God is teaching me to continually guard my heart, to analyze and look at my surroundings, what people are saying to me, and what I am saying to others. I'm realizing that I need to be intentional with setting up healthy boundaries and walls within the work place and also in my life outside of work. What I may or may not be doing that is working for me, may or may not be working for others. Continually guarding and balancing myself. I don't think I'll ever master this, but God is showing me that this is a skill that I definitely need to work on sharpening. The workplace isn't the best place to share a lot about yourself....I'm here to do a job, and to work at serving Jesus with my whole heart. Community will be found outside of work, maybe with the people I work with, maybe not.....

He is continually creating new life....which my flowers outside popping through the soil keep reminding me....plus Moey and his silly antics and overall cuteness remind me as well.

....now back to the pavement....

keep pressin on

2010-03-10T11:21:00.003-05:00

So 2 weeks have passed...and still eatin' Paleo. I've been learning more and more as I take a more closer look at my health, my diet, and the way that I view eating in general.

Wednesdays are the days where we strip down to shorts and a tanktop, (leave the socks on cause the bathroom floors creep me out), hop on that scale and see if any damage has been done from the way you've lived the past 7 days. This past week I lost 2 pounds, 3 pounds from the beginning. But miraculously with a lot of weight training, and cardio through running, my body percentages have steadily dropped.

I asked Chastity if I should mentally prepare for a plateau? I don't want something like that stopping me in mid stride. If this is something that will naturally happen like it does on The Biggest Loser, I want to prepare myself for this. She told me that if I'm continually eating my meals with no cheats (which I'm proud to say my only cheat was communion bread on Sunday, and I think Jesus' is okay with that) , and if I continue weight training with cardio, I shouldn't plateau. I guess only time with tell.

Someone that's really been encouraging me through this whole process is my *new* friend Anna. She isn't doing the Paleo meals, but she's definitely doing some tough stuff. She has made a commitment to not eat sugars until June, and no carbs until Easter. She has helped me to stick through it. I have someone to talk to about this who understands cravings and choosing to live a different lifestyle (if only till Easter) and dealing with the negative and sometime hurtful comments that people just have to say. She's been a great source of encouragement for me and hopefully I've encouraged her a bit through her journey as well. She's also encouraged me through the struggle of Matt trying to find a job. Their struggles are somewhat similar, although different. She has said so many times "we need to focus more on the giver, than the gift." Or another one is "Are you seeking Jesus' face, or just his hand?" I'm not exactly sure how to do one and not the other, but I'm confident that because I'm asking Jesus how to seek his face and not his hand, and to focus on him as the giver instead of the gifts he would like to give us, I know he'll tell me in due time. I just need to keep spending time with him and he'll let me know. I'm confident in this.

My husband has also been encouraging me, although he hasn't changed his eating habits at all. Although sometimes he'll have tator tots, or ice cream right in front of me (and sometimes he teases me about it) he has done nothing but encourage me. Just the other day we hugged in the morning as he was walking out the door and he stopped and said "woah! that was a skinny hug!" Those type of things keep me going and give me joy that lasts throughout the day.

It's also fitting that Lent is during spring time. New things are growing, I'm getting slimmer. New life is sprouting outside, I feel like a new life is sprouting in my spirit. God makes all things new. He creates new life with new circumstances. He promises that....and the little birds on Moey and I's walk each morning reminds me of that. Sometimes I feel like God has written them a special song to sing just for me....

"You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you. This new life brings you the true knowledge of God." Colossions 3:10

One week down, 5 more to go

2010-03-03T10:58:00.006-05:00

I didn't think I would have good results...I was fearing that all of my hard work, the many pounds lifted, the sweat lost and the 100 ounces of water each day, the comfort foods denied--would all be a waste. BUT, I was wrong. Here is my reported scores after week 2. I walked away from that weigh in pretty proud of myself, but also knowing that the next 5 weeks would leave a tough road to be traveled.

I've learned two major things this past week with modifying what I have been eating, and also with denying the use of Facebook that I thought I would share with all of you out there in the blogosphere.

With facebook, I've had many instances where I have had such a strong craving to get online. I started to analyze those situations and try to get at the root of why I wanted to get online so badly. My studying revealed that the only reason why I wanted to get on facebook was because I wanted to see what others were doing. At first I didn't think this was so bad---I wanted to catch up with my friends, see how their lives were going and some of the things they were doing on the weekends. I asked myself--why do I care? Sure, I feel out of the loop with their events....but seriously why do I care what they are doing? And I quickly realized that the reason I care so much is--I wanted to compare what they were doing with what Matt and I were doing. How absurd!!! My time on facebook has boiled down to comparisons, comparisons that usually left me feeling pretty deflated and pretty boring. Definitely not something that God has for me and wants me to focus my heart upon day in and day out.

With eating I've noticed that I'm going back to the basics. Why do I eat in the first place? What is the point of eating certain foods and omitting others? Ultimately do I eat foods for pleasure or for nourishment? This is such a positive thing to think about as I am craving certain foods and learning to modify what I allow to be put into my body.

With this season of Lent, I've noticed as well the different changes that are occuring in my surroundings. With the season of spring approaching, I've tried to slow down a bit and notice what is happening in nature. Just walking in the backyard with Moey as he does his business, has allowed me to see the new life that is springing up all around me. Soon winter will be over, life will be sprouting, and I'll be a little bit light er. YES!

Lent: replacing Jesus with your weak spots

2010-02-19T12:05:00.001-05:00

Wednesday, February 17, 2010: The beginning season of Lent.

I've never practiced the sacrifice of Lent before. In some ways I never understood the concept of giving up something. I'll be completely honest: I'm selfish. Why should I give anything up? And really what's the point--I'll just start again after 40 days is up? Last year I remember trying to give up soda, but in one particular situation I had sat down to eat a meal with my family and halfway through dinner, and halfway through my can of pop being empty I realized I had made a commitment to not drink pop till Easter. Well, that promise obviously wasn't taken seriously. So I was pretty leery of trying anything this year.

BUT....

A nutrition plan was presented to the Ginghamsburg staff and also anyone that wanted to join for the Lenten season. I listened intently....pondered it for about a week, and then I thought: "I don't really like what I see in the mirror, I don't like the extra weight that I carry around my midsection" "I don't feel very energetic throughout the day and into the evening, why not give it a try." The new nutrition plan is called "The Paleo Diet". I particularly don't like calling it a diet, it's more of a change of eating patterns.

Basically the gist of Paleo is:
Meat, Nuts, Seeds, Green Vegetables, little fruit, No Starch, Sugar or Dairy.

One of my goals is to strive to eat in complete meals: protein, fat and green with a 20 oz bottle of water and one fish oil supplement. I should eat no less than 5 times per day, and not go longer than 3 hours in between meals. I also get a variety day, which will be for me MONDAYS, where I can eat the thing that I've been craving all week. For me, this will be a Boston Stoker ghirardelli caramel mocha...for Grounds for Pleasure this will be a chocolate monkey (banana and chocolate steamed with milk into pure loveliness!--only place in town that has it, besides Grounds for Thought in good ole' Bowling Green). I'm also going to add weight training to my normal routine. For me, my week will hopefully look like this--

Monday-fitness bootcamp at the Avenue for 60 minutes, then 10 minutes on the treadmill.
Tuesday--weight training on gym floor, 10 minutes treadmill
Wednesday--fitness bootcamp for 60 minutes, then in the afternoon during my long work day, hit the tennis ball around for 30 minutes.
Thursday--weight training on gym floor, 10 minutes treadmill
Friday--day off
Saturday--elliptical in basement and light weights in living room, unless over by Avenue
Sunday--day off

Each week Chastity, our fitness coordinator for this Ginghamsburg plan, will take all of our measurements, record them and then also take our individual picture. I'm just going to throw my measurements out there--I'm not going to be ashamed like I usually would be. I want to achieve weight loss and body fat loss, and this is who I am now. Hopefully by the end I'll have some different results. (but I'm not posting my pictures online! gasp!) And yes, you are reading those last few numbers correctly. I do weight 129 lbs and 37.5 % of my body is fat. (healthy for women is about 22%) I felt like having a barfing contest right then and there.

Yesterday evening, I had to run to Kroger to pick up a few items and unintentionally went down the candy aisle (I was trying to pick out a new flavored drink powder! I Swear!) Right when I got to the candy I LOVE, any gummy item with sugar ALL OVER IT, I wanted some so badly. I even hunted for some bags that said "sugar free". I found some....picked then up, flipped them over and read the contents: all I can say about that is BOLONEY! it contains sugar alcohol -still a form of sugar but handled in the body of a diabetic easier, and it contains Milk. ??? Not even going to go there on that one. But I wanted to purchase that candy so bad it hurt, but then I resorted back to why I was doing this in the first place. So I kept repeating " Jesus---I really want this one little piece of candy right now, but I need you MORE." .....and I walked away.

The other commitment I'm making for this Lenten season is to not log into facebook for a full 46 days. For the week before Ash Wednesday, I tried to count up in my head how many times I would get online to log into facebook. The one night alone I logged in 3 different times from the couch just looking at other people's pages. I realized that I was becoming disconnected to my husband and my little guy Moey. I wasn't paying any attention to them, during the time that I could. What was I doing? What kind of use is this with my time? So I've made the decision....soo long facebook. I'll catch back up with you in 46 days. I believe this will make a big change in my life. I'm going to trust Jesus that it will.

see ya'll back in a week with hopefully lighter calculations!

Jesus for President

2010-02-05T11:22:00.001-05:00

So I've been reading this new book called "Jesus for President" by Shaine Claiborne and Chris Haw. I've been trying to take the book slow, reading only a couple of pages at a time. Some things are just worth sharing.....if you're interested check it out at your local library.....

"Remember when old John the Baptizer sent his disciples to ask Jesus whether he was the one they were expecting and he didn't answer with a simple yes? Jesus instead told them to go tell John what they saw him doing. He knew that John could read the trail of crumbs. John knew that when lepers were healed, the blind saw, the dead rose, and the good news was preached to the poor, the one they were awaiting was indeed here.

What does our trail of crumbs look like? If someone asks if we are Christ followers, can we say, 'Tell me what you see'? Is there enough evidence to prove that we are taking after the slaughtered Lamb? What if they ask the poor around us? What if they ask our enemies? Would they say that we love them? Christians haven't always looked like Jesus. Perhaps the greatest barrier to Christ has been Christians who pronounce Jesus so loudly with their lips and deny him so loudly with their lives. ---(A recent survey of young adults who are 'familiar outsiders' to Christianity showed that the three most common perceptions of Christians by onlookers are that we are anti-homosexual (an image held by 91% of the folks surveyed), judgements (87 percent), and hypocritical (85) percent. How sad that the very things that Jesus scolded the religious elites around him for are the very things for which Christians are now know. We have a major image problem. To hear more about this study by the Barna research team, check out the book Unchurched (Baker, 2007) by our friends David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons.)

In the South, we have a saying: 'You are the spittin' image' of someone. Folks still speculate over how exactly the phrase originated, but I've heard it put like this. It's shorthand for "spirit and image." Spittin' image. (Go ahead and try it out: it won't hurt.) For us, it meant more than just that you look like that person. It goes beyond just appearance to include character and temperament. It means that you remind people of that person. You have their charisma. You do the same things they did. In the truest sense, Christians are to be the spittin' image of Jesus in the world. We are to be the things he was. We are to preach the things he preached and live the way he lived. We are to follow in the footsteps of our rabbi so closely that we get his dust on us. We are to remind the world of Jesus. The criterion for whether something is a manifestation of the kingdom of God is the person of Jesus. Does it look like him? "Be imitators of God" (Eph 5:1)--that word imitate derives from the same word as mimic, like a mime. "
pages 230-231

on page 232 is a quote by Aristides and the Emperor Julian--very contrasting!

"It is the Christians, O Emperor, who have sought and found the truth, for they acknowledge God. They do not keep for themselves the goods entrusted to them. They do not covet what belongs to others. They show love to their neighbors. They do not do to another what they would not wish to have done to themselves. They speak gently to those who oppress them, and in this way they make them their friends. It has become their passion to do good to their enemies. They live in the awareness of their smallness. Every one of them who has anything gives ungrudgingly to the one who has nothing. If they see a traveling stranger, they bring him under their roof. They rejoice over him as over a real brother, for they do not call one another brothers after the flesh, but they know they are brothers in the Spirit and in God. If they hear that one of them is imprisoned or oppressed for the sake of Christ, they take care of all his needs. If possible they set him free. If anyone among them is poor or comes into want while they themselves have nothing to spare, they fast two or three days for him. In this way they can supply any poor man with the food he needs. This, O Emperor, is the rule of life of the Christians, and this is their manner of life."
--Aristides 137 AD

"Those godless Galileans feed our poor in addition to their own."
--Emperor Julian

an airplane moving at 500 miles an hour

2010-02-02T10:57:00.008-05:00

How do you know if you're serving and loving Jesus with your whole heart?

I've been struggling with this issue since the beginning of 2010. I slept a lot over Christmas break. I didn't set my alarm on my cell phone and I let the sunrise and my internal clock tell me what time was appropriate for me to awaken for the day. I figured that my body knows better than my mind does sometimes as to when I will be fully rested. So I slept in usually till about 9am. (some of you are probably gasping--9am--that's not late---but for me, trust me, it is).

I headed back to work January 05 with a spirit of frustration. My husband was not called in for a sub job that day, and it took all the energy that I could muster to continue getting in the shower, continue blow drying my hair...etc.... just continuing my morning routine. I even woke up a bit earlier than I normally would so that I could spend some time with Jesus to hopefully prevent this terrible attitude that was forming in my brain and affecting how I treated Matt. I asked for a transformed heart and to have the attitude of Jesus instead of the attitude of the world. Needless to say, I think I even looked at Matt once and snarled at him.....it just wasn't fair.

I figured I just didn't want to get back into the routine of going to work. I loved being in my pjs till 1pm and doing things on my own agenda. But then one week continued into two weeks, and two weeks went into three......

Have you ever woke up one morning out of the blue and wondered----How in the world did I end up in this place?

The past couple of weeks I have been reevaluating my life and what I spend my time on most--work. Do I feel passionate about what I put my time and energy into? I've been reading more and more about boundary lines in your life, the boundaries that God asks each of us to set in place in our lives to promote healthy relationships. And I've realized that I have allowed many boundary lines to be crossed with my relationship with God, my relationship with my husband, relationships with friends, and relationships with work and the coworkers that are associated with work. I've been praying through what that looks like as I move forward in placing new boundaries in my life--and putting then in place in a healthy way.

I've also noticed that my lack of energy is related to feelings of burnout. I was reading another blog and the topic was written about finding yourself feeling burned out by everyday tasks. He defined burnout for himself as: "Burnout happened when I became increasingly unable to inject my unique blend of passion and personality into an environment that could meet a legitimate need in the world."

Once of the things that I have noticed is my lack of energy to be creative in my surroundings. To my own fault. I think as humans, sometimes we find ourselves doing things of habit, and before we know it we realize that all forms of uniqueness have been stolen from our lives. We do things to get things done...and we wind up at the end of the day feeling spent and having not much of a viewpoint that differs from a robot.

Another thing that I have noticed (which Matthew and I have spoken about this and he doesn't mind me sharing) is that when I look back over these past 5 years, I have had many different jobs that have had me doing many different tasks. But one thing remains, they haven't been things that create more creativeness in me. With the struggle of Matt trying to find a full time, permanent teaching job, I feel I have found myself having the life sucked right out of me. I work because I have to. If I don't work, we can't pay the bills. I've realized that I have been feeling trapped. Feelings of having a lack of freedom to be who I really think God has made me, because if I don't work, we won't survive. I've noticed that I've been feeling a bit resentful because I don't have the freedom to go back to school, or take art classes at a local center, because we either don't have the money for tuition, or because my work schedule doesn't allow me to pursue those dreams. Sometimes I feel like a caged animal that is being backed into a corner of the room. I find myself not breathing and holding my breath. Sometimes I feel so suffocated.

Have you ever been out in an open field, or taking a walk through a set of trees and you see an airplane flying overhead waiting to land soon? You look up as it flies directly overhead-- you see all the parts of the plane clearly. You wonder if the people in the plane are looking down at you, as you are looking up at them. You see the logos on the side, you hear the rumble in your heart from the engines. And then, like a ton of bricks falling on your head you realize that this plane is probably flying at 500 miles an hour, but it looks as if it is going so.....slow....

That is how I feel like my life is happening....each event is so slow....but literally the years are flying by and I don't know how I landed at this place.

So what am I to do?

"Burn leavened bread as a thank offering and brag about your freewill offerings--boast about them, you Israelites, for this is what you love to do," declared the Sovereign Lord. "I gave you empty stomachs in every city and lack of bread in every town, yet you have not returned to me, declares the Lord." Amos 3:6-7

I feel like we have went from town to town, trying to find work for Matt. The Lord has given us plentiful times and given us times of need.

I fully believe that when I go to Jesus each morning and I ask him to open my eyes, heart and mind to the things of his Word that I need to hear, I believe that He will do so. This morning I read this. And it has left me with many many questions. Lord when have I not returned to you with my whole heart? When during these 5 years have I not sought your guidance, asked for your provision in lean times, asked for your comfort in times of grief, thanked you Lord for all you've done for us, and asked how we could serve you more?

I'm feeling at a loss for words. I don't know what more I can do to overcome this...Lord what more can I do with my time? Is it all just a matter of having the right attitude with a response full of reverence? I just don't know anymore....

STOP romanticizing history!!!

2010-01-12T19:46:00.003-05:00

I've been working part time at the Milton Union public library for over a year and a half now (check out their site at mupubliclibrary.org). I would have to say it has been up there with some of the most beneficial jobs that I have ever had. I have learned so much about our libraries, about our government funding for libraries, and also just about books in general. On any given day I see over a 1000 books, movies, audiobooks and periodicals that pass under that barcode and out the door to our select patrons. And on busy days, many many more. I would have to say that out of all the ideas that Carnegie had for our county, this has got to be one of best.
When I first started working there, I checked out a John Lennon CD called "Instant Karma". You have to understand one thing about me. I've never been a Beatles fan, I don't have all of their albums and secretly dream that I could of been part of their band and one of them. But the music created on this album captured my heart. The values that Lennon sung about....

"Say you want a revolution
We better get on right away
Well you get on your feet
And out on the street

A million workers working for nothing
You better give 'em what they really own
We got to put you down
When we come into town

I gotta ask you comrades and brothers
How do you treat you own woman back home
She got to be herself
So she can free herself"

It made me long in my heart for a time like this. I wanted to be a part of a movement like this. I wanted to do demonstrations and show people what I believed in by my actions. And I wanted people to hear me.....really hear me.

So I started watching Discovery Channel documentaries on that time period. I started looking in history books at the library and seeing the demonstrations in print. I started watching movies on the Weather Underground, who only thought that their voices were going to be heard if they created some type of violence....a bunch of white kids trying to make a difference for the soldiers in Vietnam, and for the black kids down the street who weren't treated like human beings with the same kind of blood flowing through their veins. I started to read about Malcolm X and the Black Panther movement. I started reading about Martin Luther King and learned about his assassination.
I felt so proud of the two Olympians who won the gold and bronze metals and while on the platform raised their fists in the air showing their voice (who later had their metals stripped from them for being "anti-American") I watched a documentary about a hotel owner, who after a bunch of black kids jumped in the public pool at the hotel, felt that that only way he could get them out was to pour acid in the water that ate their flesh. I was mortified at what I was reading and watching, but I was drawn in and I couldn't stop retaining and learning about this time in our nation's history.
I read a book by Richard Doster called "Crossing the Lines". It was about two Southern reporters who were directly affected by the race riots and who personally met with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. on many occassions.
It talked about his son who became a part of the sit in demonstrations in Georgian restaurants at the counters, demanding to be served. They would march down the streets, 2 by 2 and then file into restaurants and go directly to the counters. Not reacting in violence when people would spit in their faces and hit them blindsided. They remained calm and chose peace instead of violence.
I was talking to one of my coworkers, Debi, at the library last Monday about this. We were packing up books for the interlibrary loans and the subject was brought up about the Crossing the Lines book that I just finished. I told her how I loved learning about the 60s and just thought it would be so "cool" to live in that time period. Debi, being one that lived in the 60s and 70s and saw all the events first hand just looked at me. She just stopped packing and looked at me. I tried to explain what I meant by "cool", but she just continued to look at me. She said pointblankly...."KIM, STOP romanticizing this time period in history. It wasn't cool. It was heartbreaking, it was terrible. It was a very SAD time in the history of America that we treated other people this way. You're romanticizing the events of this time period, and they were far from being lovely."....

.....................

All I could do was just be quite. Some time pasted and I said, "but wasn't it empowering to live in a time when the things that you believed in were actually heard? Wasn't it empowering to know that the things that were important to you, the things that you stood up for, were being heard by people who thought differently than you and that their opinions were actually changing?"

And all that she said for a couple of moments was...."it looks like in the documentaries that their voices were being heard by people that could be a voice and could actually make a difference, but Kim it was all an illusion."

We started talking about the sit ins at the restaurants. I said "I would of loved to be a part of a demonstration like that." She said very frankly....."Kim alot of people got the sh** kicked out of them....many many young kids your age DIED." Would you really want to be a part of something like that? Would you want to live in a time where the only way your voice could be heard was if you risked your life?"

She said, Kim, there are things that you can stand up for now, that was just like then. There are still injustices happening in the world. There will be times where your voice isn't heard. But you need to keep fighting just like those young African Americans kept fighting. Remained in hope for a better way of life. History repeats itself. Just like there was things that were shameful and broke your heart back then, there are things that are shameful and break your heart now. Keep the hope. Keep hoping. And keep trusting that the things that are in your heart are their for a reason...don't keep silent.

So I'm still reading, I'm still learning. The 60s are facinating to me....but I'm trying to look at things a little differently now....

New York City Day 2

2009-12-21T15:20:00.000-05:00

December 04, 2009
Today we went on the subway to Harlem. I had so many stereotypes of what I thought it would be. I think some of them were true--but then again I wasn't there very long....
We went with the Relief Bus. We were handing out soup--but then Kaitlyn and I went to talk to a man named Angel. I think he was homeless.

His mother died on Thanksgiving day.

Friday he was getting picked up to go to her funeral. My assumption was that he was on drugs at some point of his life becuase he repeated himself alot. (which turned out to be a totally WRONG assumption--to read his full story check out the Relief Bus on Facebook and find Angel's video) Kaitlyn prayed for him. He really liked Pepsi--so Brad gave him a Pepsi and the biggest smile borke out on his facem.

We also met Juan. We found out he had a history in prison for killing his brother for raping his mother and later stabbin two people. He is HIV+ and the sickness is slowly killing him. It was from a drug needle. I don't feel like he had much hope--just making it through each day--just trying to survive.

It makes me wonder if his knowing of having HIV is killin him faster than he would if he didn't know. Such debilitating thoughts can sometimes kill you faster than a disease can.....

"let's just go ahead and be who we're meant to be...without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves to others...." Romans 12:5-6

New York City Day 1.2

2009-12-10T15:56:00.005-05:00

Thursday, December 03, 2009
Dear Jesus--We're in NYC! My favorite city in the world! I thank you Lord for the opportunity to be here. For this opportunity is from you. I thank you for being with us as we travel. I look around at all these teens down here in the hostel basement--all eating breakfast. Lord teach me how to love them. Father allow my heart to be open to you and to them. I pray for divine connections. I pray Lord that I'll stay focused upon you Jesus and the things you desire to happen Jesus. Help me to not focus upon my own needs but on the needs of the people. Help me Lord to just LOVE THEM. In you--Amen

Today we went to the Bronx to the World Vision Storehouse. We didn't venture to far into that part of the city so I didn't really get to see what the city looked like. It looked alot like the older party of Vandalia or Dayton. At this storehouse, everything is donated by different companies. Things from furniture all the way down to erasers for pencils! Then different churches and schools could come and get supplies for free. I never knew World Vision did that kind of thing too besides child sponsorships.

I worked with CJ from 10-2 unpacking boxes....

We then walked around the city and saw some of the sites. We saw Wall Street. While we were there, and once we got to that section of town, it was like the weight of currency and money floating around couldn't be ignored. Business people in suits were everywhere in a big hurry. With their tall skinny bodies, perfectly combed and shined hair, big shiny boots and long strides....The weight of the sin of greed was all around me.

We also went to the World Trade Site. It looked a lot different from what I thought it would be. I couldn't believe I was at the place where so many people lost their lives. It just brought tears to my eyes.

We went to the Top of The Rock. This was at the top of the Rockefeller Center. The view was amazing. I couldn't enjoy it as much because I missed Matthew so much up there. It just didn't seem right that he wasn't there with me to enjoy it side by side. I love this city, but I love my life with my husband more....and with Moey...I miss him!

New York City Day 1

2009-12-07T10:29:00.001-05:00

"To my dearest wife, Love them. As you leave remember to love those you see and meet with. Show them the passion and gentleness of Jesus. I am faithful you will leave a mark on those people you come in contact with. Do not be afraid or worrysome, there are no reason for them. You will have a great time and enjoy getting to know the high school girls. They might have been going to New York for the Lord to show them something. You belong there this week! Love it....Love them...I love you!"
**a bookmark Matthew gave me before the trip that gave me alot of strength out on the field...

Just a couple days ago, Wednesday December 02, 2009, I loaded a bus full of 34 high school students and 6 other adults leaders, headed to New York City for the Ginghamsburg Student Ministry 2009 NYC mission trip. I had some fear, but I had a whole lot of excitement.

I've always loved New York City. It's like the song goes..."New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made of, there's nothing you can't do, in New York, New York, New York!!!" There's always been something magical to me about New York City. The city just looks so different than any other city that I've been to. It even smells different.

I had some mixed feelings approaching this trip. With my job, I usually interact with middle school students. My involvement with the high school students, let alone the juniors and seniors is very limited. I usually only see then pass through my office headed to Nick's. I have a very hard time trusting and connecting with people that I don't know. How am I going to connect with these students? In a city that I haven't been to in 10 years?

How am I going to love the people of NYC when I've found my life for the past couple of years has been focused on myself and the problems and circumstances that have faced Matthew and I for the first four years of our marriage. Honestly, my last mission trip was to Amsterdam, Holland...that was 4 years ago. My mind hasn't been in the spirit of serving people of a different city. Lord how am I going to do this?

But God is always good....he supplies all of our needs...and he's in the work of changing peoples hearts....more to come soon....stay tuned

...the love of grandparents unites all things....

2009-11-27T20:10:00.003-05:00

"To feel the love of people whom we love is a fire that feeds our life. But to feel the affection that comes from those whom we do not know, from those unknown to us, who are watching over our sleep and solitude, over our dangers and our weaknesses--that is something still greater and more beautiful because it widens our the boundaries of our being, and unites all living things." Pablo Neruda, From "Childhood and Poetry"

I never knew my great grandfather, Earl Hunt. He passed away when I was too little to remember anything about him. I remember when I was a child, I would look at his pictures and sit very still and try to go back into the recesses of my brain to just see if I could remember anything about thim. My mind would always go blank, except for the many wonderful things that I was told about him. I feel that I knew my grandmother, Martha Helen Hunt as well as I possibly could at the time. She passed away when I was 15, and althought I think I knew a good portion about her, when I think about how well I know my grandmother at this time in my life, my interest in my great grandmother pales in comparision to the knowledge I have of my grandparents now. What a treasure I lost by a lack of interest. From everything that has been spoken about my great grandparents, their love for each other, and their love for Jesus, books couldn't contain the amazing qualities of both of them.

From what I have been told, my great grandma wanted to be a missionary. She was 18 at the time, had her bags packed and was ready to leave and my great-great grandfather wouldn't let her go. He refused. I think she saw her dreams quickly fading and went through a sort of hell. She didn't know what she wanted to do besides this. She met a man named Earl, found herself pregnant with my grammy and was quickly a bride and new wife. As far as I know, she never found herself on the mission field. BUT one thing is for certain, her love for Jesus never faded. He had a hold of her heart and wasn't letting go.

My great grandmother used to tickly my back and read to me when I would spend time at her house. She always had lemon drops, piano scrap paper and the best books. She would play with my hair as I would suck my thumb on her lap. She would lightly "tickle" my back and read me a Sesame Street book. The last page of this book had Big Bird being handed a tigerlily flower by one of his friends. To this day, this is my favorite flower and was the reason I carried a bouquet of these down the isle on my wedding day. It reminds me of my great-grandmother.

She was the first person who introduced me to Christ. I had always grown up knowing the bible stories and that Jesus loved me. But she was the one that put salvation into words. The love that she had for others showed the love of Jesus. She made Jesus real to me. My granny Jean made Jesus real. And my mother made Jesus real. Great Grandma was the leading examply of strong Godly women. What more could a child ask for?

She used to sit her chair and knit. And crochet. And knit some more....

My great-grandmother has been gone over 10 years. A couple of months back, my grandma was going through her attic. She found a bunch of my grandmothers yarn in a huge box. She asked me if I would like to have it. The other alternative was that it was either going to be donated, or it was going in the trash. Being the eco-friendly person that I am I couldn't see it heading to the dump. We took it home after one visit. It sat in the upstairs bedroom for many months, not being touched.

Then one day a 8th grade student at Merge, our student youth group, had an idea to start a knitting party at the Avenue. She had a big dream to get a group together to knit hats for those in the Dayton area who were homeless. Many times that dream was ignored but she persisted. I caught wind of the idea and I felt the spirit moving...Kim....you have a bunch of yarn with your great grannies name all over it. She wants you to use this for good.....Jesus wants you to use this for good.....

Needless to say, we had our first knitting party last Saturday. We had over 18 girls attend to learn and fellowship with one another. We had 7 adult women come to help. Over 2/3 of my great-granny's yard was taken by 13 and 14 year olds. To knit for the.....homeless.

I know that my great-grandmother would be proud of each and EVERY one of these wise ladies knitting for those individuals that are so close to Jesus' heart. It makes me even more grateful that I was one of those ladies at one time, sitting on my great grannies lap, having my back tickled and the love of Jesus being showered over me while I was spending time with my great grandmother. What I wouldn't give to know her now......

the smell of new colored pencils

2009-11-12T16:56:00.005-05:00

it's been some time since I last wrote....when I'm in the midst of doing my daily tasks my mind is usually consumed by a million different thoughts and ideas. Many times things hit me like a ton a bricks and I say...."I need to blog about that." But then days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months and the ideas have passed. I've even begin to write it on my calendar to blog, but those days have come and gone. today's gonna be different.....

.... Matt lost his job last spring as a result of his school downsizing and since Matt only had one year seniority, he was the first to go. We hoped and prayed all summer that when fall would hit, he would be blessed to have a full time teaching job again. It's been two years since that happened. And his dream of being a full time public high school teacher has still been unfulfilled. But we're learning. We both were dreading going through the subbing motions once again. Sometimes I even think I dreaded it more than he did and he was the one doing it. The nervousness of possibly not getting called the next day can really send you into a tailspin. Will I have work tomorrow and the next day?.... ...But one thing I'm learning is to be grateful for EVERY moment...

I was taking Moey on his walk one day last week. It was a chilly fall morning. The clock had just struck 8 a.m. and Moey was stretching on our bed. He scratches his eyes a bit with his "teradactle" paws, sticks his tongue out as far as it can go as I urge him : "come on moey....time to get up sleepy head" (he actually sleeps longer than we do) I grab my shoes, sit on the tile kitchen floor why he does his yoga stretches to warm up.... I grab my red coat with my red ear warmers. I already have red pants on so I look like a big RED crayon walking down the road. Grab the pooper scooper bag, stick his head through the harness and off we go. .. It's time to walk the neighborhood!

This particular morning Moey decided to smell EVERY leaf he could possibly get to. These particular mornings can somewhat be stressful because the wind just starts to pick up when he decides to smell something and you're left catching the breeze at full force. I turned down the cul-de-sac (as we didn't have much time this morning), made him walk on the other side of the road because that one particular house has a dear older lady who likes to feed cats (which in turn leaves big piles in the yard that Moey thinks is dessert) and we make our way back the road. After eating several worms, avoiding a dead bird, and stopping for a squat we head back the way we came after we circled around. Mind you this walk was pretty frustrating. I hadn't spent my time with Jesus that morning, I was already feeling rushed, I was cold....and it seemed like a lot of things were on my plate. I was just S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D. My love for Mr. Mo just wasn't able to conquer my frustrations that morning.

On the corner of that cul-de-sac though, is a man that I've seen around town a lot since we've lived at our place. He has always been so nice and will always wave as he walks by our house to the library. He was outside raking his leaves and putting them in a big pile at the side of the road for the city workers to come pick up. He's deaf. I've known this since the first time I waved and exchanged words with him. It never made me feel differently about him. This was just part of who he was. He looked up at me, smiled at Moey and then said "Good morning! How are you doing?" To which I replied. "I'm good, How are you doing?" But by the time "I'm" came out of my mouth, he had already looked down and was continuing to rake. I felt like I just got slapped across the face. Not because of what could be assumed as him being rude from others, but because God got right in my face to say:

"What are you complaining about?"

Instantly tears sprung to my eyes.

I have NOTHING to be ungrateful for.

I have NOTHING to complain about.

I have NO IDEA the struggles that this man has had to face because he can't hear the birds sings.....the leaves crunching with each swipe of the rake...

Since that day, I've been trying to look at things from the perspective of being grateful. No longer do I say "God this really sucks that Matt doesn't have a consistent job right now" Those words have been transformed into--

God I THANK YOU that through this trial you are transforming my husband into the man that you desire him to be.

I THANK YOU that you're working in our marriage to where money isn't our focus anymore.

I THANK YOU that my husband isn't desiring a job anymore for STATUS or to buy MORE things.

God I THANK YOU for my job, even though it's challenging at times.

I THANK YOU for this very breath that I take....and may that breath be full of your spirit and not just dead air that lacks joy and gratefulness, peace and sustinance.

I THANK YOU Jesus for being patient with me....and willing to work out my own kinks....

I have NOTHING to be UNGRATEFUL for....

Gratefulness is like newly sharpened colored pencils wrapped in a bouquet...the look and smell is so wonderful you don't want to grab one and start using it cause you know you'll mess it up....

2009-08-07T16:45:00.006-04:00

I'll start this blog off by first saying that the true nature of my postings come from my life experiences, things that I've been rolling around in my head, and things I've pondered on lately and throughout my life. I've been thinking about something for the last couple of weeks, because I've had many situations in many different locations on this exact topic. It's made me questions the things that I say and the way that things are taken by others.

I've had two things said to me repeatedly throughout my life by many different people that are in my realm of influence. One being "You're too sensitive, lighten up!" and the other being "You need to grow thicker skin." These two comments have bothered me to the core of my being my entire life. I've been spending the last two weeks coming before the Lord each and every day asking him to guide my thoughts and feelings. I truely believe that he knows my deep thoughts, that he cares for them, and that if I only ask, he will sort those feelings out in my heart and make my head understand them.

I've always been very offended by "you're too sensitive". I feel like it takes a very courageous but obnoxious person to say that to another individual. I'm sensitive because that is the way that GOD MADE ME. In previous blogs I've spoke about this very issue because it courses through my life continually. I feel that our society doesn't appreciate sensitivity in others because it causes them to realize their lack of it and also it inconvientes them because they have to think of someone else. Why is being sensitive such a bad thing....it's way better that being callous.

I've also been offended when individuals have told me that I need to grow thicker skin. When I look at this statement, I feel like there is a lot of secular thinking involved. It involves having the characteristic of being sensitive and not being callous to the world around you. It makes me questions "why should I grow thicker skin just so you can have the joy of putting someone else down?" What is the benefit of having thicker skin?....so we can joke around in a way that isn't honoring to Jesus?

As Matt and I were driving down to the Jeffersonville Outlet Mall last Saturday afternoon I spent some much needed time in the car thinking about my past week at work, and my interacts that week with specific people outside of work. I love the people I work with, but sometimes it's just difficult being a woman in a workplace surrounded by men. Sometimes you have some serious personality differences. But as we were driving down I turned to Matt and asked him my hypothetical question of the day: "Do you think Jesus joked around with his friends?" I think it stunned Matt for a moment and then he said "no". I asked him why he thought that and he replied "When you're joking with someone about something they've done, it never raises them up and edifies them. It's usually a put down to make the person telling the joke be elevated while the other shrinks." How true.

I looked up "joke" in the dictionary and this is what one of the meanings said:
something that is amusing or ridiculous, esp. because of being ludicrously inadequate or a sham; a thing, situation, or person laughed at rather than taken seriously; farce

I don't mean to be a downer in the blog, but I've definitely examined my own life and continue to do so each day to check my heart and the words that flow from it. I've come to the conclusion that there are two types of jokes. One type of joke looks at a situation and sees the humor or ridiculous elements in that situation and makes a laugh from it. It's not aimed at a person, but the situation that the person finds themselves in or has purposely put themselves in. The other type of joke is aimed at a person and the character they possess. This is where I believe a joke isn't just a joke anymore. Joking in it's truest essence isn't bad, or wrong, or a sin. But it becomes a sin when it's aimed at another person and their character.

In my quiet times I've prayed intensly for some clarity because many times when I approach the throne of grace I feel so inferior I feel that it is seeping from my pores. I want to know if there are any offenses in my life when God looks at me. He has brought to my attention some verses.

Matthew 12:37
Words are powerful; take them seriously. Words can
be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation."

Matthew 15:17
But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the
heart. It's from the heart that we vomit up evil arguments,
murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, lies, and cussing.
That's what pollutes.

I've been memorizing these verses because I feel they are so important for where I work, where I spend my evenings, how I treat my husband and how I interact with others. Out of the heart is where your words flow. So sometimes in situations where I'm being made fun of about who I am and not just the situation I'm in, that's when it stops being a joke anymore. It's out of your heart. It's not something that I just need to grow thicker skin over, or I need to stop being so sensitive. It becomes an issue where we all need to check our heart because it's SIN, not just some lighthearted joke.

This week I've had some major guilt and conviction in my heart for the way that I have treated others by the words that I've said. I'm sorry to those of you that I've said cruel and hurtful things to. Forgive me and Forgive me Jesus!

2009-07-21T16:28:00.005-04:00

On Thursday July 16, 2009, Matthew and I celebrated our 4th anniversary of being married. Boy how time has flown by! I still remember exactly how the days felt right after we were married in our house on Grove Street. The sun reflecting and refreacting through our front stained glass window, the air blowing through the giant skinny windows as the sheers blew into the room. Somehow that first year, looking back, was magical. It was also filled with a lot of trials, saddness and working through expectations that we had for one another. Something I've learned clearly these four years is that God's hand is in EVERYTHING. And that he'll work in every situation if you only let him.

I've been learning alot through spending time outdoors lately. We take our pup, Mo, on a walk at the Englewood Metropark at least once a week. On a couple of those adventures, I've been deep in thought as we walked side by side, stopping about every 10 yards for a quick squirt! God started revealing in my heart as I pondered my past experiences that everything, in some way or another was constructed by his hands.

That out of conrol bush over there...yeah God wanted it to grow there..... .......the multicolored miniature leaves forming in that puddle on the side of the trail....yep, he contructed those with the tips of his fingers.......the nasty grub that is crawling in the dirt......he placed it there to eat the harmful organisms growing precisily in that spot.....the wildflowers growing on the crest of the cliff.....those were his polka dots placed where life shouldn't grow. His hand is in everything!

Everything that Matt and I have experienced have been crafted in the palm of his hand. And for those harmful situations---where i struggled to find a job and have contentment for three years....the many times Matt struggled to take his praxis and ultimately get his certification.....the many, MANY fights we had that first year that honestly caused us to scream at each other that we desired to get a divorce more than be married because the pressure was just to much for 23 year olds to bear....he used them to make us who we are today.

"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect." 1 Corinthians 15:10

When I study this verse I don't see the "I am what I am" as being something lofty because I know where I could be....and by God's grace thankfully I'm not what I could of been.

I sit in our backyard sometimes and stare at our "spaceship" with all of our perennials. I started to think about what the bulbs look like deep in the earth, and then how radically different the plant looks after it has burst through the soil reaching for the sun. It really doesn't make sense. How do normal round onion like bulbs make hyacinth? How do little twigs make lilies? How do small stems make beautiful roses? How do little round balls turn into beautiful spiky purple pom poms? ....it's the work of God's hands....and it's the work of the plants looking to the only source that can change what they are.

As the sun is for the plants, I have no where else to look but my Savior to see change in my life and my husband's.....as we do our life together....I love you babes and Happy Anniversary!!!

Just because you can?

2009-07-05T15:51:00.006-04:00

I've been rolling this around in my brain for some time now....probably about a month. I really believe that God's been pressing on my heart to look at the things that have happened in my past, a deep look, and to see the areas on my heart that I need to surrender to him to have him work through and heal. Sometimes even though surrending the hurt is difficult, the process that healing requires is sometimes harder to go through than the redeption of being healed from the hurt.
When Matthew and I first got married, I had really low self esteem. In most areas of my life today I still do. But when I first got married, it was LOW. I felt great to be his bride, his new wife but I carried around alot of insecurities about who I was. I just had some dreams stripped from my heart, which I can honestly say that I feel like God stripped me of those. I desired to pursue a career in Interior Design so badly....but over the course of my junior and senior year in college I believe God was stripping my heart of that desire. He showed me the materialism in that career. He showed me that sometime individuals that pursue that career are only catering to the "wants" of others through material items. Helping others "keep up with the Jones'". I knew God was pressing on my heart that this wasn't something he did desired for me.
From my perspective now, I can see why. I would of been terrible at this career. God has taken me to a place where I feel, "if you like something, who cares if it's not "fashionable"....put it in your home because YOU like it! Who cares if it doesn't match the thing next to it, or the overall design of the room. If you like it, DO IT! Don't answer to what others think is best....and of course don't buy something just because it's name brand or expensive"
Back to that first year of marriage. I was in a dead end career that I wasn't passionate about. I wanted to contribute to our marriage and because I had so many insecurities I tried just about anything....even MARY KAY. (gasp!) What was I thinking?
I had met a particularly dreadful woman in one of my networking groups through my job. She was an elite Mary Kay salesman....boy was she manipulative......
She tried everything to get me to sell cosmetics....I was strong at first....but over the days and months following....after much persuading with talk of "you'll make this much, and think of what you can do, and yada yada yada" I succomed to the pressure and agreed to be a consultant. Seriously...what was I thinking!? I mean look at me---I almost hate wearing makeup....why did I think I could sell any? I didn't have that much charm. BUT one of the many good things that came out of that experience was I was asked to make a "goal" poster. Since I think I'm a pretty creative person this is what I came up with.
It wasn't just a list on a piece of paper tacted to my wall, it was a collage of all the things I desired for my life at that moment. Some of those things have changed, but some of them listed below I have realized that God has answered.....without the help of Mary Kay.
1. Flowers on my kitchen table every week!

2. A GRAND deposit on our first home!

3. To give my husband the opportunity to go back to school to become a pricipal.

I've been spending alot of time in my backyard lately with the nice weather. I usually take my afternoon coffee, my bible and present book outside to sit on my reclining lawn chair out under the walnut tree. Mr.Mo walks slowly out with me and we sit under the tree, hearing the wind blow through the trees, and I calmly look at my backyard that surrounds me and the blessing of a home that is front of me. Mo and I take a look around and just sigh. God is a GOOD God.

4 years ago I didn't think this would even be possible. Matthew and I started and lived the following three years of our lives together making less that $10 an hour each. College grads....it was such a tough pill to swallow for over three years....many times we felt humiliated and embarrassed. But God taught us something through this. I feel like he was saying to us...you don't NEED anything. I've given you everything you've ever needed. You have a roof over your head, two cars that run perfectly fine, food on your table, money for heat and electric and the ability to be obedient to me and tithe. What are you seriously complaining about?
We saved and worked through it. We watched every penny, I mean every penny. The only thing that we spent money on that we didn't "need" was our cell phone policy (which by the way was the cheapest plan they had and we got free phones to boot!). God taught us a lot through those three years that have carried us to where we are today.

Even though Matthew is struggling to find a job right now, God is still overflowing us with blessings. Depsite it all God gave us the diligence to save our pennies to be able to put a "grand" deposit on our first home. He has provided us a home with an abundance of gorgeous flowers in our backyard. I do get to put fresh flowers on my table each and every week in my home because of the surprise of all the flowers that bloom each and every season. (which were not apparent when we first bought the home...I didn't even know they were there!) And quite possibly Matt will be able to go back to school soon to get his masters. God has answered all of our prayers...even the simple one of flowers on my table. God is always good and he cares for every one of your thoughts.

We're now at a place where we could buy new clothes if we wanted to, as we never did the three years we were saving every penny. We could buy new fixtures for our home. We could buy furniture for upstairs so our relatives don't have to sleep on an air mattress when they come to visit. But the thing that God has put in our hearts is we just "don't have the desire to buy things anymore". Sure the thought of buying new things passes through our head every once in a while....but deep down the things that we do have are good enough for us and our "status". If something isn't broken, why replace it if it works just fine? Why buy something "just because you can?"

Drivers.....Start Your Engines!

2009-05-21T15:06:00.007-04:00

This past weekend....after a very long and rainy day working at the library, Matthew and I decided to treat ourselves and actually go on a date for the first time in many, many, MANY months. We hadn't been to the Mansfield Raceway for over two years and right up the road, about 40 miles is a racetrack called Eldora Speedway. We had never been to this track and they were having a Family Fun Night for only $8 admission. We jumped on that price since it usually cost about $20 bones a person for admission. Since the rain had cleared and the sun was trying to peak through the clouds, casting silver linings everywhere, we took Mo for his walk, kissed him farewell, and jumped in the car ready to see some races. Something about the sounds of many car engines reving and getting into gear creates adrenaline rushes thoughout the veins of Matthew and I.

There is something about racing. Now granted, I don't agree with the whole idea of racing. In many ways it seems very hillbillyish to me and when you really think about it, it's a bunch of macho guys going around in a circle.....over and over again. Plus environmentally it's not the smartest idea as it wastes a ton of fuel. But the excitement of a pack of cars, reving their engines, tires spinning, and bumpers bumping creates excitement. Before the official race began with the stock cars the announcer came over the speaker. They offered up a time of prayer. They prayed for our armed forces, for our country and president. They actually said Dear Jesus. This prayer was far from a generic prayer to sooth the mind of drivers and racefans. This announcer meant what he was praying....... Once the prayer was over the announcer asked for everyone to stand as they sang the National Anthem. Before the first line of the song was spoken...the announcer added .....

"And to the greatest country in the world"

..... I almost wanted to sit down. After those words were spoken I felt quite naseaus. Since when did we become the GREATEST country in the world? Since when are we better than any other country? Since when are we, as citizens of the United States better than other citizens? People make up countries....countries aren't countries without people? I'm an American. I love my country. But in no way do I feel that I am better than individuals that live in China, or Holland, or Spain. Do I feel that I have more opportunities because I am an American. oh yeah....but it doesn't make me a better person. When did America because so simple minded....prideful...boastful in their country?

"There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female,
for you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:28

Dear Jesus...may I see the needs of the world through your eyes....may you convict my heart to break over the things that break your heart...may I cry over the things that make you cry....may I smile at the small things that make you smile and may I take notice of the way you are moving....

Suttle Reminders from a Flowerbed

2009-03-19T17:03:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I really feel like this is what my face looks like when I step out into the flowerbeds and see all those terrible weeds sprouting their little buds through the fresh damp soil. In the past I have blogged many time about the things that God has whispered into my ear as I struggle, strain, and have my eyes bulging out pulling out thistles. The learning really never stops.

Mondays have now become my day to work out in the yard. I'm trying to get a head start this year, catching the weeds growing at a manageable height so that I don't become overwhelmed and frustrated. My goal is to go out every night of the week that I have off to quickly scan the beds with a spade and bucket in hand. I'm not being unrealistic as I know I'll never completely get rid of these pesky weeds, but I have hope that I'll be able to keep them under control.

As I was pulling out these weeds Monday afternoon, while Mo was tied to the hammock bar and laying soundly asleep on the grass, the sun beating down on my neck, God started whispering again. The breeze was cool on my skin and would send slight chills up my arms as God gave suttle reminders of the effect of weeds in a persons heart.
Mark 4: 20 out of the Message states "But the seed planted in the good earth represents those who hear the Word, embrace it, and produce a harvest beyond their wildest dreams." What is the condition of the soil of my heart? Is it full of rocks and trash, making the seed unable to grow? Do I have thorns and burrs cluttering my heart soil so that the good seed is being chocked out?

As I was pulling up these terrible weeds I started to actually inspect the thistles themselves. Do you realize how ugly these things are? The stem is full of stickers, the leaves are full of stickers.....EVERY centimeter of these weeds are full of stickers!! These stickers were created so that animals and predators would avoid eating the nutrient rich flowers that these weeds produce. These weeds were specifically created to be enemies to every other human being.....hmmm....do I sometimes have an attitude that shoves everyone else away?

As I was pulling up the thistles on the side of the garage in between the tulips I came across one particular thistle that was so stubborn. I pulled and yanked until my eyes literally felt like they were going to bulge out like in the cartoons. Would not move an inch. I reached for the spade, pushed the soil on the top aside and started spiking that spade in the soil. Still no movement. I then grabbed the top of the thistle at the base (that was at least an inch across) pulled once again. Suddenly I heard I ripping in the soil and out came the root. I was shocked when the root surfaced. It was over a foot long. I did some research and found a section view of their root systems compared to other plants. I started to think, "Why are these plants so hideous and their roots so long?" I feel as if God gently spoke again saying quietly to me,
"the ugliness of these plants have been growing for a very long time without anyone knowing about their growth but me. By the time they sprout through the loose soil, they have been going for many days and weeks. What about you Kim, what are you harboring in your heart? What weeds have been growing and growing around your heart choking out all life that you don't think anyone sees? I see them."

Once the side of the garage was finished I moved to the side of the house with the tulips, daffodils and hyacinths. The thistles were growing in between the beautiful flowers and even some were wrapped around the amazing flowers even before they were able to bloom. As I tried to uproot these thistles, accidentaly I uproot the beautiful bulbs. God again whispered, "Some of the things Kim in your life that are good, well because you've let these thistles grow around them, the only way to get rid of them is to uproot the good as well. If only you would of caught these "thistles" when they first started to grow instead of trying to hide them from me."

Lord Jesus, I know that I have many, many things in my heart that are distracting me from living the life that you desire for me. I ask Lord that you'll take the blinders off of my eyes Lord. Help me to see clearly the "thistles" and the type of "thistles" in my heart that are preventing me from being who you desire me to be. Jesus, I know that you have great things for me, but I will never get to experience them if I live in my present state. I know that you desire for me to live a life that is blooming with beautiful flowers, not ugly thistles. Help me to live the kind of life that honors you with a clean heart.

I thought I'd add this quote from the book that I am currently reading ---- "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd. Definitely a good read with some spiritual truth hidden between the pages.

"We walked to the woods beside the pink house with her stories still pulled soft around our shoulders. I could feel them touching me in places, like an actual shawl.
"There is one thing I don't get," I said.
"What's that?"
"How come if your favorite color is blue, you painted your house so pink?"
She laughed. "That was May's doing. She was with me the day I went to the paint store to pick out the color. I had a nice tan color in mind, but May latched on to this sample called Caribbean Pink. She said it made her feel like dancing a Spanish flamenco. I though, 'Well, this is the tackiest color I've ever seen, and we'll have half the town talking about us, but if it can lift May's heart like that, I guess she ought to live inside it."
"All this time I just figured you liked pink," I said.
She laughed again. "You know, some things don't matter that much, Lily. Like the color of a house. How big is that in the overall scheme of life? But lifting a person's heart--now, that matters. The whole problem with people is--"
"they don't know what matters and what doesn't." I said, filling in her sentence and feeling proud of myself for doing so.
"I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it. You know how hard that is, Lily? I love May, but it was still so hard to choose Caribbean Pink. The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters."

Can You Really Afford That?

2009-02-19T16:50:00.001-05:00

I read in the Dayton Daily News a couple of days ago this article about the $1 trillion stimulus package that was just passed. If you look closely this article shows different scenarios of what a trillion dollars could really purchase. Some examples that were shocking to me were:

A trillon seconds ago--31688 years ago Neaderthals stalked the plains of Europe.
If you had gone into business on the day that Jesus was born and your business made a million dollars every day, it would take you until October 2737 to make a trillion dollars.
According the U.S Treasury, the average taxpayer's adjusted gross income was $58,029 in 2006; at that rate, the taxpayer would have to work 17,232,763 years to make $1 trillion.
A trillion dollars could give every high school student in the United States a free college education.
One trillion miles is roughly the distance of 350 trips from Earth to Pluto

And these are just some statistics!!! It's crazy the wealth and lack of wealth that the American people have. We were once considered the richest country in the world! Wealth can be deceiving because I really feel that the American people have alot of wealth but it's not enough. They are hungry for more because they don't know the true meaning of happiness has nothing to do with material possessions or money.

After reading this article I have realized in my own life and also observing others that we are so wealthy even if by American's standards we think we aren't. I have been at fault many times complaining about our income. Complaining about the lack of material possessions. The lack of GOOD paying teaching jobs that help us to plan for our future, but we are SOOO wealthy. Really how accurate is the American standard of wealth anyway? Who are they to define what that is?

I have been trying lately not to describe and complain about our lives. I have tried to take those sentence structures completely out of my language because we are beyond blessed. Problems arise, but God has always provided a way out.

I've been at fault for saying this but I've also observed alot of other around me saying this as well. We say things like, "I really wish we could do this but we just don't have that kind of money" when we're driving around in an almost brand new car, if not a brand new car, one that looks amazing compaired to a junker that hardly runs. We also say things like "when we get into this kind of money we can do this...." but we have cable tv at home that cost anywhere for $60-$150 a month. We say things like "I wish I could get a new phone but it's just not in the budget" but yet we have an amazing phone compared to the people that don't have any type of communication to begin with. We say things like "I can't afford this or this" but we have a huge 42" tv at home that is the focal point of our living room. (which to me says that is the focal point of your life while you're at home, why else would you have a need for a tv that big). I've even caught myself saying..."if only we would of purchased a bigger, nicer, cuter house!!!" How obsurd and selfish can I be!?!?!?

It's really rather ridiculous. All the wealth that we have, that we turn a blind eye to, and yet we still want more. How much more do we want God to bless us? Can you really afford to live life absent minded, wanting only more?

Be Careful What You Wish For

2009-02-05T17:03:00.002-05:00

WARNING: I'm going to be completely honest in this blog. I'm probably going to have a lot of devoted moms (which believe me I believe if you are a mom, you should be completely devoted to your children) upset and angry at me, but I've been rolling around some thoughts in my head for over a year and I just need to blog about them. I may have completely different views from you and you can call me whatever you wish, but these are just how I see things from my perspective at this time in my life.

So lately, (and don't make fun of me for this) I've been listening to The Pussycat Dolls album that has "When I Grow Up" as one of it's tracks. For some reason I really like this song and many others on the disc. One of the phrases in the lyrics say:

"Be Careful What You Wish For, CAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT".

This statement is so true. You do have to be careful what you pray for and what you wish for. What you desire is where your heart is, no matter what the outcome is and how differently it may be once you get it.

Matthew and I prayed for a VERY long time to be home owners. We tried to have very good money practices and tried to save every penny we could on our measly incomes to save up for a down payment on a house. When the time came that we could put a sizable amount down, we started looking for homes, all the while praying for God to allow this to happen if it was his will. As some of you may know, after we purchased our home, I lost my job just one short month later. ONE MONTH. We were suddenly pushed into a situation that was very hard, scary and sent us into fearing if we would be able to make it. This was just something we didn't see in our future and weren't planning on.

I was talking to my sister about the struggles and as the conversation went on and on, the conversation went from telling her our struggle to me complaining about our hardships and how I was very unhappy. She cut me off very quickly and say "Well Kim, this is what you prayed for for three years. You had a BIG desire to own your own home. God gave you this desire of your heart. Now stop complaining about it. You asked for a home and this is just the outcome that has happened. God has put you in this position to trust him, obey him, and love him anyway even though it is tough right now. God gave you the home you wanted." My response at the time was "Well I didn't want the home if it was going to be this hard." I was blind-sighted by the comment, pretty irritated at my sister, but it was the truth. This is what we desired. The home was what we wanted, even though the circumstances following were not what we had though they would be.

This leads me to the mom part. This past year I have observed so many moms complain about the situation that they are in now that they have children. I've heard moms say that they never have time for themselves, they don't get much sleep, and that everything is just so hard. I have such a hard time biting my tongue and asking "Well what did you expect by having a child? This is what comes with the territory" I've heard so many moms use their children as excuses to get out of responsibilities and go home early (such as, well Timmy needs to go home now or Timmy prevents us from doing this now). I've heard moms say that because they don't have as much time now they can't even iron shirts for their husband (which why can't the husband iron their own shirt???)

I've also noticed something else that really bothers me-----It seems that once some individuals become mothers it's as if they forget who THEY are as a person. Everything revolves around their children. You can't have a normal conversation without the mom telling all about what there child has done. Now I love hearing stories about their kids, but the ENTIRE conversation? It's as if they have nothing else to talk about. It's as if their existence has completely disappeared.

Matt and I are all for having children. We want to be truly devoted parents when we decide to have children and when the time is right. But I've observed so many families completely change, sometimes not for the best, that it almost makes me NOT want to start a family. I've seen so many women turn into other women once their children come along that I don't want to be that type of woman. It makes me not want to have kids because I want to still carry on normal conversation with other humans, I want to still be ME--just with an added dimension of myself. It's just frustrating witnessing this. Sometimes I wonder if other moms realize that what they say makes others fearful of having children because of how much they talk "down" about their new responsibilites?

This is the one thing that Matt and I decided when we adopted Mo. I know a dog is completely different from a child, but we're easing our way into responsibility and the added responsibility that comes with a child. We said that we would never use MO as an excuse for anything or use him as an excuse to go home early/not take on things. It's not fair to him. We decide to make the decision to adopt him and by placing blame or using him as an excuse isn't honoring to him in any way and it only makes us look bad.

I'm sure I'm going to get some nasty comments about this post, but I just needed to write my "diary" entry for this. It's only my opinion and you can definitely disagree. Does anyone else feel the way we do?

EXCITED MO!

2009-01-20T17:27:00.003-05:00

Here is our little puppy Mo! I thought I would post some videos for all of you to see his transition into his new home. He is definitely warming up to us and he gets very excited when we come home from work! ENJOY!!

Walks, Dogs, Invisible Forces?

2009-01-08T16:30:00.001-05:00

As some of you may already know, we adopted an awesome dog named Mo last month. He is a beagle, about 8-9 years old and was from a shelter. He is basically a dog that no one loved except his foster mother. We think that in his past years he was heavily abused. He was very timid, shy and cautious. .......... . but now he is fully alive. He has the greatest personality and it has been very interesting to see him transform from the shy pup to the outgoing and loving beagle that he is.
We had a wonderful Christmas break with our family and also with Mo. He was very cautious when we brought him to our different families, but he eventually warmed up to everyone including my sisters pup named Sammy. Overall Christmas break was a time of relaxation, reflection and enjoying the season of the Saviors birth.
But something that also happened over break and is continuing to happen on our walks has been very puzzling and has made me contemplate many things. I am fully aware of spiritual warfare and I firmly believe that there are many things occuring around us in the spiritual realm more than we'd like to think about.
Mo and us take the same walk everyday, every morning and every night. There is one particular house on our walk that has me puzzled. As we approach this house and the empty lot beside it, Mo gets this look of terror and panic on his face. Since he was abused, we can easily tell when he is scared because his tail goes between his legs and he gets very low to the ground. Every stinkin walk he does this as we approach this empty lot and house. Just a couple of days ago he even sat down on the freezing, snow covered sidewalk because he was so scared. The only thing we can do is pick him us, hold him really close and whisper to him that everything is okay as we walk very quickly past the lot and empty house. After the house is out of sight we are on our merry way as if nothing happened.
What is going on? I've thought about many different options but I have only come to one conclusion. I think dogs can sense and see things that are going on that we just can't see. Is there a spiritual battle happening in that empty lot? Are the people that live in that creepy home filled with Satan? Is Satan trying to fill these people?
Yesterday on our walk when he again looked terrified I mustered up all of my faith, spoke in a deep forceful voice (I guess this is how I think you should talk when you're talking to spirits I guess...) "Leave him alone!" Instantly Mo got up and started walking. This morning on our walk, he wasn't even phased by this house. Did what I say really make a difference???
Regardless of what is actually happening this is making me realize how desperately I need to begin praying for my neighbors, the neighbors down from them and my entire neighborhood. It's also made me realize that our pets probably need to be given more credit than we realize.
One of my favorite quotes in "Prince Caspian" is below. It's during the scene when the bear is running after Lucy to eat her and then the dwarf Trumpkin spears the bear and responds to Lucy.

Susan Pevensie: Why wouldn't he stop?
Trumpkin: I suspect he was hungry.
Lucy Pevensie: Thanks.
Edmund Pevensie: He was wild.
Peter Pevensie: I don't think he could talk at all.
Trumpkin: You get treated like a dumb animal long enough, that's what you become. You may find Narnia a more savage place than you remember.

The Eyes Of Her People

2008-12-05T17:15:00.001-05:00

Well she is finally complete! At Ginghamsburg United Methodist Church, (where we attend), there is an exhibit for artists to display their work called the HeART for Sudan. When each piece sells, the money is then given to the Sudan Project. For more details about the Project check out the Sudan link: www.ginghamsburg.org/sudan

The exhibit started the weekend of the 29th and 30th of November. Between the fourth and fifth service, to my surprise she sold!!! Praise God!!!

"On February 15, 2008, I started this piece. I began looking through the many Sudan pictures, trying to find the perfect subject for my cross stitch. It just had to be perfect. After searching many hours, I found her. Her eyes are what caught my attention. Her eyes were calling to be heard. The pain of her people, the hidden cries of those ignored. Those people forgotten. She stole my heart.
This piece has followed me through a lot of good times and not so good times. I focused almost everyday for at least one hour to completing her frame, her covering, her facial features. She was with me during my quiet prayer times with the LORD, praying for her, my family and my friends. She was there during the joy of purchasing our first home, the loss of a job, a family vacation to Coldwater, Michigan and through the loss of my best friend, my dog of 15 years, CoCo. Through it all she has helped me to stay focused. To sit down and stitch, sipping my creamy coffee and presenting my requests to the LORD. She has been with me.

For 276 days.

Now it is your turn.

Whether you hang this on a wall in your home, or on a shelf, or store it in a box from sight, don't forget about her. It's now your turn to pray for her, her family, her people, her country. Remember her for me. Allow her along with the Holy Spirit, to change your life.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

...Missing HER...

2008-11-28T17:38:00.000-05:00

How do you tell when you are ready to own another dog? Does that special feeling just happen in your heart? How do you "know"?
Matthew and I, well if I'm going to be completely honest, I have been the only one looking online at the local animal shelters hoping to adopt another dog. I found one in particular that stole my heart. His name was Mo, he was 8 years old and had been in a shelter for 2 years. In his previous years he was abused and the foster parent is unsure as to why he was actually alive. She said that he had a rough past. I came home that night from the library beggin Matthew to allow us to go up to Sidney and get him. He said to call the next day. I called. Reported back to Matthew what I heard and he said no way. That there was no logically way that we could adopt him, which he was right. It just couldn't happen.
I began praying about the big decision of owning our own pet. I repeatedly asked God if this was something that we should be doing. Are my motives right Lord? Am I just trying to filling the void?
The Lord is slowly but surely revealing to me that I just miss HER. My CoCo, my babes, my Colimolie. When looking back over my repeated scrolling through the many dogs, I began to realize that I was skipping over many dogs that needed a home. I was skipping over them because they didn't look like HER. My CoComokers.
I miss HER.

I'm nervous about facing this Christmas. It's the first time in 15 years where she hasn't been present. It's the first Christmas where I won't be scouring the shelves trying to find the perfect gift for her. It's the first time where we won't be filling up her stocking and loosly wrapping her gifts. This will be the first time that I don't hear her chomping on her new toy trying to break the squeeker while we are finishing up our own gifts. The first time I don't see her trying to hide her bones in the couch only to lift her head and see that everyone is looking at her as she picks the bone up again to run off to find another place. It's the first time in 15 years where we won't have the joy of spending Christmas with HER.
The last week of looking for new dogs to adopt is my way of avoiding Christmas this year without HER. Oh! how I miss her! If only I could have one more hug, one more smell, one more kiss from her! Miss you CoCo!!!

Ladybug

2008-11-20T15:45:00.004-05:00

Have you ever had just one of those weeks were you felt invisible? Invisible to everyone around you, no one even hears you when you speak, and that no one would even notice if you fell off the face of the planet? I've had one of those weeks.

This morning, I ran upstairs, turned on the wall heater in "my" bathroom, shut the door, and let the hot air blow around and around the small bathroom. A couple minutes later, I went back upstairs and hopped in the warm shower. As I was scratching and wadding up this mound of hair on top of my head I was stopped dead in my tracks. Something was moving on the small window sill. It took me a moment to realize that it was a little vibrant red ladybug. But it wasn't crawling. It was upside down, stranded on it's back with his little legs flying around in circles trying to flip itself back over. In a moment I related to that ladybug. I shook off my hand of the excess water and tried ever so gently to flip him back over. After many times, I succeeded but he remained frozen. I really don't know if he ever started crawling again. I went on with the rest of my shower.

In many ways I feel like that ladybug. I feel lately that my apendages have been flying rapidly in all directions trying to get back on track in life. I feel like no matter how hard I try, I just can't flip myself back over. There have been little blips here lately, where I feel that I have been helped, and that I have been flipped over back on my own legs, but instead of moving, I'm frozen in place. My legs are just too tired to try anymore.

"Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." Hosea 6:3

Struggling to Grow

2008-11-16T11:05:00.004-05:00

With any new job, you have many new challenges that you have to overcome. Sometimes those challenges are learning new computer processes, learning the new skills to do your job excellent, learning to mesh with new people that are different than your personality, and some are just ovecoming your own insecurities and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and overcome your fears.

With my new job at the Avenue, those are some of the challenges that I have been facing along with others. In no way are these challenges bad. They are good challenges that the LORD has placed before me to help me grow in my talents and also in my love for Him.

He's been teaching me especially here lately about the Holy Spirit. I'm going through the membership class here at Ginghamsburg and last week our lesson was on the Holy Spirit. I can honestly say that in the last fourteen years that I have been a believer, I've never understood the Holy Spirit. It's like my brain has just not been able to comprehend the role that He plays in every believers life. I know what some of his character traits are, but how it personally applies to me and how I can tap into His help has baffeled me.

I purchased a book at the Library book sale last summer about the Holy Spirit. It's still sitting on my bookshelf. Was that a clue from the Lord to read more about Him? Then why is it still on my shelf? Now that the topic has been brought up again, I'm beginning to take notice.

I also feel that the last month and a half since I have been working here, I've been given a spirit of distraction from the enemy. By no means did I have to accept that distractive spirit, but I in many ways I feel like I welcomed it. It allowed me to write off God and say that I don't have time, or that my life is too crazy with handeling two jobs, Sudan art projects, and Suessville cardboard cutouts for the Library Christmas show on top of trying to be a good wife and making meals, cleaning the house, and doing mounds and mounds of laundry. I'm NOT too busy for God, I just need to reprioritize. I don't have an excuse.

In my bible study that just ended last Monday, the topic was "By Faith Moses". It is the workbook "Believing God by Beth Moore". This hit my soul....and after letting it steep in for awhile one of the ways I have applied it is with my new job. She writes:

"Try to place yourself in Moses' position. You are mortal flesh and blood. You have virtually no confidence in yourself. You've faced terrible failure in your past. (Murder, no less!) You have heard the audible voice of God. He has unmistakably called you, though you have no idea why. He has performed wonders before your eyes; yet your vast insecurities incited His anger because you persisted in your resistance. He relented only enough to raise your brother to stand beside you, even though God was all you needed. In obedience to God, you have repeatedly approached a stubborn and powerful pharaoh to demand the release of the mistreated nation of Israel. To complicate matters, you probably know this pharaoh intimately because you grew up with him in your adoptive home. You know his priorities and his prejudices all too well. You are also well aware of his power to slay you and your people. God has given you instructions to prepare the nation of Israel for the wonder that will result in a mighty deliverance. You mind is whirling. In moments you must tell your people."

We all are like Moses. Facing your insecurities and doing the job that God has called you to do, without looking back. Press on!

2008-11-09T11:16:00.001-05:00

Last Saturday I got a little crazy and went wild on the alien space ship flowerbed that we have in our backyard. When we first moved in, we were overwhelmed by all the flowerbeds and most of all the weeds growing in them. We decided to work sparingly in the "spaceship" for it was a lot of work and I was partially afraid that I would be trampsing through the homes of various animals and reptiles. Especially ones that are long, have no legs and slither along the ground.
The lilies and hibiscus stems finally started to turn a pale yellow, and the mums were on their last leg. With the weather being unusually warm, it was time to venture in.
We had just got back from a 1.5 mile run, was sweating profusely and I was just tired of looking at the eye sore front and center in the backyard. I put on my garden gloves, got another yard waste bag from the garage (this is probably the 25th one we've used this year), pulled down the rake and spade and went at it. We had grass in there that was at least two feet long!
As I was pulling clump after clump of weeds/grass from the soil, I was again taken back to the parable of the sower. God has been continually bringing this to my attention this year as I work in the beds. What kind of seeds of faith am I planting?
I started to realize the implication of weeds. Not only did they make our flowerbed look terrible! They also choked out the life of the thriving plants. The grass was hanging all over the place, the thistles were sharp and prickly, and the overgrowth almost made you cringe.
That first clump of grass was the worst to pull up. Not only were the roots deep, but they were strong. They held on for deer life for they liked where they were. But once I got that first clump out, the rest all came up quite easily.
It made me think of the sin in my life. Sometimes the gardens of our hearts are so full of sin that our outward lives are an eyesore for others. But once you take that first step to be redeemed, when you bow down before the Savior and he pulls that one clump out, your life and all the other things that you once held deer, just start to uproot and you're back on the path of salvation. All the sin that you secretly loved to do comes out in the open and it's easier to admit your faults and your errors and ask forgiveness.

A Blog Posting From Our Pastor

2008-10-13T09:46:00.001-04:00

With the current economic crisis, I've been trying to grasp what is actually happening, and how it effects Matthew and I. Recently I read a blog from our Pastor Mike Slaughter, from Ginghamsburg and I just had to post it for everyone. If you would like to read his other insightful blogs, his site is: http://mikeslaughter.com/blog

"Divine Economics"

Courage saints! We are going through an unprecedented time of correction. This is not just an economic correction, but at the core, a deeply moral and spiritual one. If we don't know what God is all about, we are about to find out! For much too long, those of us who are called by God's name have worshipped God while we continued to serve monetary idols. A lukewarm casualness toward biblical principles has permeated even the best of American churches' participants. This is a wake-up call that has been long overdue. It is time to remember that we are not in control, and our economic dependencies will not save us. It is time to turn our attention from self to serving, from consuming to creating, from getting to giving. As I described in my book MONEY MATTERS: for all God's children, the story of Elijah and the widow remind us of the priorities for building an eternal investment trust.

"Elijah went to Zarephath. When he came to the town gate, a widow was there gathering sticks. He called to her and asked, 'Would you bring me a little water in a jar so I may have a drink?' As she was going to get it, he called, 'And bring me, please, a piece of bread.'

"'As surely as the Lord your God lives,' she replied, 'I don’t have any bread – only a handful of flour in a jar and a little oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it and die.'

"Elijah said to her, 'Don’t be afraid. Go home and do as you have said. But first make a small cake of bread for me from what you have and bring it to me, and then make something for yourself and your son. For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: "The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord gives rain on the land."'– 1 Kings 17:7-14

"In 1 Kings 17 we find the story of a man named Elijah, a prophet of God, who became God’s means to respond to another person’s need. Often I hear the question from unbelievers as well as Christians, 'Why does God allow people to starve? Why does God allow all the suffering in the world?' God does not allow anyone to starve. You and I are the ones allowing the starvation because we do not understand God’s perspective on money. God uses the resources of people. That’s why it’s so important that we are good stewards of the resources that God has entrusted to us. Those resources become the means to answer somebody else’s need and somebody else’s prayer. God releases heaven’s resources to God’s children through God’s children.

"When considering God’s provision, do you use the formula of human computation or the power of divine math? The biblical principles for financial freedom challenge us to live within our means. That’s a given. There’s always more to what God wants to do in us and through us, however. Remember what God said to Moses, 'What is that in your hand?' Here’s what Elijah says to this widow: 'Use what’s in your hand.' God’s word to us is to live out of what we have, out of the resources God provides.

"Our problem is that we doubt God and see only what we have. We factor human computation instead of divine math. And what do we see? 'I only have a little. I don’t really have anything, just this little bit.' We habitually forget that a little in the hands of God is a lot.

"When we look at the miracles of Jesus we see that God never makes something from nothing. When five thousand people were hungry, Jesus didn’t snap his fingers and have Big Macs fall out of the sky. It was the same when Jesus’ friends needed wine at the wedding feast. Jesus didn’t snap his fingers and make wine appear. He took what they had – water – and turned it into wine. Jesus appreciated the two pennies that the widow had to give. The miracle comes from what you have, not from what you don’t have. In the same way, when we’ve got bills to pay we can’t think that God’s going to make money appear out of nothing and spontaneously pay off our bills. God always asks us to surrender and place in God’s hands what we already have – and then we trust. Jesus takes a few fish and a few pieces of bread as if to say, Give it to me. You haven’t done a good job with it. Give it to me. Surrender your finances to God, and watch what God will do. And remember that any time you use a charge card, you’re using something you don’t have. If you had it, you wouldn’t have to charge it! God will only bless what you have.

"Think of the incredible assets that God gives us in Christ Jesus. Many have received the gift of Jesus Christ and experienced eternal life as our own. We have the Holy Spirit and all of the assets of heaven, but God will not release those assets until we surrender to the Spirit that is in us. As long as we keep acting out of our wishes and our appetites and what we want to do with our money, God’s not going to bless it. God’s not going to release the resources of the Holy Spirit. But as we surrender to the Spirit that’s in us, we are converted to the mind of Christ. Remember, there is one new birth but many conversions. There are areas of our life in which we’ve been “born again” but we’ve not been converted. We don’t know the blessing of God until we’re converted. When we are converted in our finances, we have the mind of Christ about our finances. What an incredible asset! With all of the creativity of Christ, think of the unlimited possibilities and potential." (Excerpted from MONEY MATTERS: financial freedom for all God's children by Michael Slaughter, Abingdon Press, 2006.)

In my next blog update, I will challenge us to look at the life practices and disciplines essential for living within our means and achieving true financial freedom.
God bless...

God's still revealing Himself

2008-10-08T17:31:00.007-04:00

We're always learning. It seems lately that the Holy Spirit has been speaking to me in a concentrated manner lately. It seems that every time I turn around, he's teaching me something new or showing more of his Glory through the people I meet and the experiences that I have daily.

As I've mentioned in blogs past, in June I lost my job, two weeks after purchasing a new home. I remember that day so clearly, down to the dark blue faded jeans and red collared shirt I was wearing. Since that sunny day, Jesus has proven over and over to me that I'm in the palm of his hand. He cares for me.

I'm in a new Beth Moore study called "Believing God". The Lord has definetly impressed onto my heart that many of the struggles that I have, and the heartache that I experience is because I believe so little. I've always struggled with believing that God wants GOOD THINGS for me. He's not vengeful, or uninterested in my life. He is concerned with all the details, despite how I may or may not be feeling that day.

In Week 3 "Believing God Can Do What He Says He Can Do day 1 "Permission to Believe" Beth Moore states:

"Much of the body of Christ is paralyzed by unbelief. Our unbelief has likely ushered us into a frustrating, disabling cylce: we believe little, so we see little, so we continue to believe little and see little."

She goes on to state that:

"We seek God primarily to find Him, not to see Him perform. .. Sometimes God may prioritize the faith required to continue trusting Him when we don't get what we ask over the faith required to receive it."

When I was doing my study this morning I was reading Matthew 14:22-31. A verse that caught my attention was "Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him..." Thoughts have passed through my head today...Jesus didn't dilly dally and wait for his sweet time to lift up Peter. IMMEDIATELY he reached out! I believe the same is true for all of us. When we cry out for help, he immediately is at our side.

In Luke 7:11-15 it tells a story about a woman who was a widow and had only one son. Her son died and Jesus approached the procession. It says that "When the Lord saw her, his heart went out to her and he said, "Don't cry". Jesus came after the fact that her son died. He knew her son died, but he used the pain of losing her son, to bring healing and allow himself to be glorified through raising her son from the dead. Sometimes Jesus has us go through things that he will later redeem. Just because we don't know why something is happening, doesn't mean that it's happening in vain. Everything brings Him glory if we choose to bring Him glory through the situation. It's all about choice. How are you choosing to view your issues?

Look what Hurricane Ike blowed in

2008-09-19T14:53:00.005-04:00

Whew.....

...this week has been a whirlwind.....

Sunday morning/afternoon was absolutely beautiful despite the tendency to be a little windy. Matthew and I headed to our church, we went to the 1130 service, dropped off the transcribing machine that I had been using afterward, and then we walked out into the blinding but gorgeous sunlight. We had packed up the two laptops, I grabbed my current read The Wizard of OZ book one and we drove the some odd miles down to Panera to grab some lunch, surf the web and get engulfed in a good book. Halfway through our time there the lights flashed. The internet stopped working. We didn't think anything of it and decided to pack up and go back to our home. We got back to our house and found that the garage door wouldn't go up....our electricity was shut off. By that time the wind was really picking up. The sky started to change to a dull gray and we just thought a storm was brewing and would soon let loose. Fat chance. The sky had much more on it's mind that just a simple rain storm.

I decided to go sit out on the front porch in my bucket seat. I thought I'd read a couple more chapters about the great adventure through OZ and listen to the wind blowing through the huge maples that line our street. Let me just tell you that it's NOT one of the smartest ideas I've ever come up with.

As I was sitting there I soon realized that the wind was picking up way too much. I had never seen it blow like this before....but I stayed outside. I had just finished the day before the book Prince Caspian, book number 2 in the Chronicles of Narnia Series by C.S. Lewis. In the book Narnia has magical trees and those trees come to life. Since this was fresh in my mind I started talking to the trees in a muffled voice "Mappie (since our tree's a maple), you've got to stay strong for me. You're too close to the house and if you fall over, you'lll crush our new home and you'll mess up the front lawn. Mappie stay strong". About 10 minutes later I heard a huge CRAAACK! I had no idea what large branch was cracking but I wanted to get out of the way!!!! I'm sure it was a funny site to see me scrambling trying to get out of the fold up bucket seat. It actually brought me to tears because I was so scared. Thanks be to God that it was the limb out by the road. The limb cracked right in half, was still connected and twisted backwards to land in our front yard.

We didn't know quite what to do during the rest of the storm. I was so shook up that I decided to go upstairs and organize all of our bills in a filing cabinet. I had been putting it off for quite some time. After the storm was over we walked out to our backyard and our HUGE walnut tree had decided to drop all of it's walnuts. We started that very night to pick them all up. You couldn't take a step without your footing being uneven. I'm surprised we didn't break our necks or twist our ankles. Matthew started griping but all I could say was "Hey they are all down now. Now we won't be picking up these smelly green things every weekend for the next two months"

For the next four days we were without electric. We stayed with my parents two night as I had to get up early the next morning to go to work and needed to use the hairdryer. I've learned a couple things through this storm. DON'T take the electricity for granted, we are blessed to have what we have. DON'T decide to stay outside to "hear" the wind when it's raging at 75 mph, really NOT smart. DON'T look up!

2008-08-30T21:51:00.004-04:00

EMPATH
You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person's predicatment--that would be sympathy, not Empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand. You hear the unvoiced questions.

1.Empathy
2.Strategic
3.Input
4.Belief
5.Developer

So these are my top 5 strengths. A job that I'm interviewing for had me take a strengths finder test to find my top 5 strengths and this is what they are. Some are more shocking than the others but empathy hit the nail on the head. I've been told throughout my life that I'm too sensitive, that I need to let things roll off my back and that I think about things too much. My question in response was why is that such a bad thing? Now I'm beginning to understand that this is the way that God made me. I shouldn't be made to feel, or people tell me that I shouldn't be this way. It's engrained in my being. This is part of who I am.

Now I'm not a very political person. I don't like watching Meet the Press every Sunday morning like my husband does (the big history buff). There are certain things that I stand for (that goes along with my belief strength), but I've never been one of those staunch political people who shove their belief on others and make others feel that they are "bad Americans" if they believe something different. (i.e. Democratic ideas). There are certain things that are very important to me that deal with presidents....(1)their view on abortion (2) how they treat the poor and the misuse of funds for the rich and (3) their view on the environment, oil drilling and the progression of alternative fuel choices.

Every night last week we watched the Democratic National Convention. My husband was glued to the tv with the lights turned low, two pillows behind his head, and the slight hum of the ceiling fan cooling his bare chest after a hard day out in the yard. I on the other hand was in my running clothes, the reading light over my head with my fluffy bed pillow propping me up, my book on my lap, and cool peanut butter ice cream with caramel topping waiting to be devoured. I was half paying attention. Certian topics that were brought up caught my attention but other than that the mood was set for prime time reading!!! When Barack spoke though I listened in Thursday night. For me a person who up until recently was a convinced republican, has now been riding the fence during this election. I needed to hear what this man had to say.

Some of my views were changed, others stayed the same. Something though that has really been catching my attention though is the references to Obama being the "antichrist". I've been thinking about this alot and it's really starting to bother me. Maybe it's the empathy that is deeply rooted into my core, but I think it's wrong to say that he could be the antichrist. Who are we to say? Aren't God's thoughts greater than ours? Isn't He really the only one that knows?

On the drive up to Mansfield today I sat in the warm car with the air tangeling my hair and thought about how terrible it would make me feel if someone called me the antichrist. How would that make Barack or McCain feel? How would it make anyone feel? Who are we to judge? How does that make God feel, God's child....called the antichrist?

I believe that as followers of Christ we need to be on the lookout, but who are we to make judgements? In the Word God doesn't talk about it being our responsibility to accuse others of being the antichrist.
He says,
"Therefore keep watch....So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him." (Matt. 24:42, 44)

...Keep watch...

cultivating less weeds, more fruit

2008-08-27T19:57:00.008-04:00

"Even in darkness light dawns for the upright, for the gracious and compassionate and righteous man. Good will come to him who is generous and lends freely, who conducts his affairs with justice. Surely he will never be shaken; a righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear;" ~Psalm 112: 4-8

It's been a tough month. Dealing with the loss of my best friend CoCo has been rough. Even more than I had originally thought that it would be.

Throughout college, each time I would come home to visit, and when the end of the weekend was approaching I would start to pack up my bags and say my farewells. CoCo would always get special treatment. I would spend an exaggerated amount of time with her. Petting her ears, scratching her belly, and wispering in her ear to be "a good dog" (even though she was ALWAYS good) and that I loved her. Mom started preparing me way back then to say my goodbye because who knew what would happen. Four years later I was still having this ritual with her, and making each time meaningful and special. I wanted her to know that I loved her. In a sad way, I made her invicible because now I have difficulty coming to the realization that she isn't here anymore. Her presence isn't gracing my world. She is only here in spirit and in memory.

I've been learning through this time of loss. Through the struggles of balancing the finances of a house with partial income, breaking free from spiritual strongholds in my life, and handeling the new, but fun responsibilites of new homeownership while also searching for a job has been interesting. I've come to the realization that the only opinion in the entire planet that actually matters is the opinion of Christ. I've also learned that it's not so important what the actual trial is about. It's the character that you're building through the trial that actually matters.

In God's own little ways he has been encouraging me through the sounds of our new backyard, the comments of individuals passing by on their bicycles while we are working in the yard, and the comment of my 5 year old nephew Tyler about our home. These are God's way of encouraging me to press on. Press on! He'll bring beauty from the ashes.

On a different note, I thought I would show some progress of our flowerbeds since we purchased our home on May 15th. It's great to actually see progress through images for at times it seems like we are hardly making any progress at all. We have big plans but limited muscle strength. We're hoping by the end of next weekend we'll have the flower bulbs relocated, the grass seed planted and be on our way to fewer weeds!

...laid at rest...

2008-08-02T09:31:00.003-04:00

We buried our best friend yesterday morning. Mom and Dad were in Michigan on vacation up at the lake and Matt and I had come home earlier that week. Thursday night we received a call from mom stating that they were coming home early because CoCo wasn't doing good at all. In the background I hear howls of pain that I had never heard before from her. Mom stated that it didn't look good and before she closed, she said "Kim you need to prepare yourself for the worst". The next morning at 5am we got the call. Mom was in tears and she said, "Kim, we're going to the vet, this will be CoCo's last day. She can't walk, and is alot of pain." Luckily, I had fell asleep in my clothes the night before and I jumped up, put my shoes on and was in the car within 5 minutes.

My worst day had come. I arrived at mom and dad's. The car was on, dad was driving and mom was in the backseat with CoCo comforting her. She wasn't howling anymore, but right when I saw her, I knew this was the end. I opened the back door, CoCo lifted her head and shoulder, I sat down and then she placed her head on my lap for me to rub and pet her. It brough flashbacks to my mind of when we first picked her out. She sat on my lap, 15 years earlier, and I petted her head. This was coming full circle.

The car ride went so fast. I whispered to her that I loved her, would always love her, and that I would never forget her. We took her in, and watched her breath her last. I can only hope that she went straight from our arms, to the arms of Jesus. My hope is that she's in heaven with him, playing and running.

The past day has been pretty rough. I stayed at my parents and rubbed CoCo's head while the grave was being buried. I positioned her on the blanket so that she would look "beautiful" for all eternity. And I watched her be placed in the grave and the dirt be piled in. My mom and I made a boquet for her later that afternoon and we painted a rock with her name on it. My dad made a cross and also placed in as the headstone. This all just happened so fast.

I've been trying not to play the game of "would of, could of and should of". It only brings more pain. There is so many things that I could of done, but I've been trying to not live in that kind of place. I know that I loved her with all my heart, and I tried to care for her as much as I could with what I had in me. I hope that she knows that I will ALWAYS love her and that she can never be replaced. You'll always be my CoComokers, my Colimolie, my babes. I love you, for all eternity CoCo!!

Redesigning worship....well the stalls at least for the moment

2008-07-10T14:40:00.002-04:00

For the past couple of weeks I have had the opportunity to finally use my talent (or at least I think it is a talent) for the Lord at Ginghamsburg Church in a rather consistent manner. I've been working with Kim Miller, the creative director at Ginghamsburg, to help redecorate and redesign three particular bathroom. Two at the Avenue, a place where young teens and college age adults can come together and fellowship, and one bathroom located in the back of the church behind the sancuary.

Please check out Kim Miller's blog at http://www.redesigningworship.com/.
She has such amazing ideas and a fresh heart!!

Since attending Ginghamsburg on a regular basis since last August, I've dabbled in a couple of different areas of service. I tried for many weeks on ends to serve at the food pantry, but ultimately found that it wasn't a perfect fit. Matt and I also served in many one time events where various ministries at the church needing help. But I felt like I really did find my "fit". Something was going against the grain and it just didn't feel right.
For this season in my life, I feel like this works for me. I enjoy spending the time in the stalls...quite literally....listening to the ipod or talking with other volunteers and designing away. In the pictures posted you'll see the transformation to the young mens restroom. When I began working on this, it was essentially a blank and rather large canvas. Using only three basic colors of army green, stone gray, and navy blue, I tried to create interestesting patterns using the basic shape of a square. I can't help but picture this as a large ATARI game screen. It's been a bunch of fun! Thanks Lord for pointing this out for me at this time, and also to Ginghamsburg and Kim for allowing me to be a part of this. We all have a place in the body of Christ...just be patient to try to find it!! ;)
<---- This stall in particular will be the next
area to tackle...more pictures to come!

it doesn't matter how you feel, it's what you do that matters

2008-07-03T13:07:00.008-04:00

Well we are finally moved in!!! We did our final big move for hopefully a very long time last Friday. We had a big turnout of family to help us take all of our things down three flights of stairs, into the back of trucks and trailers, and down the 5.6 miles to our new home. It was a great time of fellowship with our family, and we are so thankful for their gracious help to spend the evening using strength and muscle. Although we had a successful move, and thankfully no one was hurt, my heart was full of sadness.
That afternoon I received a call from a job that I had interviewed with that I really wanted. They were calling to inform me that they had filled the position with another applicant. My face was downcast and my heart was heavy. What did I not have? That weekend was pretty rough, feelings of self-doubt and insecurity rose in my heart like rampant fire. What are we going to do?
I'm at a point now where I'm just trying to trust. One of my favorite bands at the moment is Superchic[k]. What beautiful lyrics and melodies. This band explains the heartache and brokenheartedness that you may feel in life. Their lyrics, which I think are directly inspired by Jesus, are helping me to stay afloat. The lyrics from Crawl (Carry Me Through) are below.....

How long will this take? How much can I go through?
My heart, my soul aches I don't know what to do
I bend, but don't break Somehow I'll get through
Cause I have You

And if I had to crawl Well You'd crawl too
I stumble and I fall Carry me through
The wonder of it all Is You see me through

O Lord, where are you? Do not forget me here
I cry in silence Can you not see my tears

When all have left me
And hope has disappeared
You'll find me here

Some people that know all the implications and details of our situation, I know they are trying to help, but have recommended some jobs. I've brought this before the Lord many times, but is it arrogant or boastful, or maybe even prideful to think that I would like a job that uses my college education? I definetly don't think I deserve a more qualified job, but is it wrong to not settle when you know you took extra steps and spent four years at an institution so you would be able to get a job that uses your education?

Whatever happens, I know the Lord will carry me through. If I come out of this crawling, I'll still come out of it. Another song from Superchick that I exceptionally like is [hey hey]. They sing

"But I won't sell out even if the whole world thinks I'm crazy".

I've come to realize that when you're full of such immobilizing fear, you're selling out to God. What you've professed hasn't been real, and because your situation is bad, you're a sell out by living out your fears. I won't sell out. I've noticed that when I have conversation after conversation with my family about ...what are you going to do....it makes me start to have "sell out thoughts". So I'm just choosing not to talk about it with other people besides the Lord. I know that he has a plan for me and also for my family. He'll carry us through, and he'll carry you through whatever you're going through. You can never learn about the grace of Jesus, without trials. What is the purpose of grace if everything is easy for you?

having peace like a river

2008-06-24T14:42:00.004-04:00

It's been awhile since I last blogged. I wanted to give special tribute to my dogs birthday so I thought I wouldn't write for some time. I also had an alterier motive though as well. The last two weeks have been pretty rough for me, and ultimately the heartache has been passed onto to Matthew as well. Two weeks ago, my boss sat me down and we had a hard conversation. He was informing me that in the following weeks and months, he would be closing the franchise, and beginning a smaller window treatment business. Because of this, he stated that it would be wise for me to start looking for another job.....
I really didn't know what to say. The entire conversation, thoughts of despair were rolling around in the crevaces of my brain. "What are we going to do now?" "Why does this always happen?" "Why is it such a struggle for Matt and I to find good, stable jobs with reliable incomes?" Then the ultimate damaging thoughts of, "What is so wrong with us?" "Lord what are we doing wrong for this to keep happening? How are we disobeying you?"
Sometimes the fear of not finding another job is suffocating. When I sit stationary for more than a couple of minutes, and I'm not consumed with something else, the fear comes on so strongly. It litterly feels like something is creeping up my back and with gnarled fingers, puts me in a choke hold. I don't know what we're going to do this fall. Our work is temporary, but our mortage and the bills to survive are far from that.
I can be completely fine and start the morning off great, but give me five minutes at my desk to myself, and tears spring to my eyes. My friends in my study group keep praying for Matt and I. My sister has sympathized with me and has said to me, "I just don't know why all of these things keep hitting you, all at once, or in sucession." I don't know why they are happening. But I"m trying to live on the promises of my Savior. It says that "all things work together for those that love Christ." I completely believe this promise from my Savior but I have no idea how this is going to work out for the good. But when I think about things too much, they just become terrorizing. Sometimes I just wonder what I'm doing wrong and why I'm always taking and making the wrong decisions.
The study that I'm doing now is called Breaking Free. In one session it talks about finding complete satisfaction and peace through Jesus. In Isaiah 48:17-18 it states:

"I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea."

Beth Moore writes in the study "To have peace like a river is to have security and tranquillity of heart and mind while meeting many bumps and unexpected turns on life's journey through change. Peace is submission to a trustworthy Authority, not resignation form all activity."
This struck me pretty hard. I always thought that peace was still and solemn. But when Jesus says you'll have peace like a river, a river is strong and powerful. The water is ripped along the shore, thrown over rocks, and is so cutting that it creates new path. I still haven't understood completely how I should apply this to my life, but it's given me a new perspective. Living a life for Christ, is far from the stereotypical "peaceful" life. It's really rather terrifying!
I've been looking over the past couple years of my life trying to figure out what I've been missing, where I may be disobeying God, or where I've been deliberately ignoring the voice of God. A couple of situations came to my mind where Satan completely stole the joy that Christ intended for me. I remember in college living with a particular roommate that I just did not get along with. We were just so different and had nothing in common. We both got engaged around the same time of year, and from that day on until the time we moved out, there was tension and conflict. We were both planning our weddings, and there was always tensions between the two of us. I allowed Satan to enter that time and steal the joy in my heart about being engaged.. I really wish I could get those months back. Shortly after that, I graduated from college. This should be a joyful time in my life right? I allowed Satan to fill my mind with thoughts of failure and waste. I didn't want to pursue interior design, the degree I graduated with. I allowed and still struggle to fight off the temptation that is constantly beating down the door of my mind for being a big fat waste in life. And currently in this situation the struggle is exceptionally difficult. Now with the purchase of our first home. This should be exciting right?! But since the conversation with my boss, I've felt nothing but worry, anxiousness, anger and dissappointment in myself. I don't want Satan to take this joy, this joy that I've been working hard to achieve for three years, saving EVERY penny, right out from under my feet. I have a hard time fighting off his advances, but I've already went to my victor Jesus, and he's not taking this away from me. I will be victorious in this battle. I'm going to put on the full armor of God, and Satan won't catch me running away. Oh no, my back is the only place unprotected.....I'm tried of running.

HaPpY 15th BiRtHdAy CoCo!!!

2008-06-11T10:34:00.001-04:00

Yesterday we had a little scare with CoCo. She woke up and could hardly walk and had to be carried everywhere. My mom had called me several times yesterday morning, and my phone was on silent from the night before, so she called me at work to let me know that CoCo was having a rough time. She didn't know what the outcome would be. They were taking her to the vet that afternoon, and if she was in too much pain, pain that couldn't be helped, they were going to have to make that dreadful decision. On the phone hearing what my mom was saying, sprung tears to my eyes. I knew this day would be coming, but even though you know it's a part of life, it still stabs you in the heart.

I went to my parents home before they left for the vet. I rode up in the back of my dads hooptee (as we like to call it) with my mom and CoCo in the backseat. Dad was our taxi that afternoon. All I could do was pet her and tell her how much I love her, over and over again. She would give me looks of understanding. I said a quick goodbye, and dad carried her in. The 45 minutes that I sat in the car I just cried and cried. I couldn't believe that today, a day full of sunshine would be the day.

Then they came out....little leg warmers on her arms where she had blood drawn, and a *smiling* puppy! I was so estatic! She was okay!!! The doctors said that he right back leg, at her knee, pops out of socket, and that her blood work shows that she needs to eat more as she is slightly malnourished. That was a bit shocking because if you've ever been around CoCo for an extended amount of time, you know that she eats everything is sight. Everything she sees that smells good, she tries to get. We're still pondering how that could be.

But today is her birthday! Through the years, we always celebrated August 11th, because that was the day that she came to our home. But for the first time yesterday after looking at her paperwork, I saw the day she was born. TODAY! So this is a little tribute to her, for all the joy she's brought to my families life, all the memories she has made, and all the silly onryness that has made us laugh through the years! Happy 15th Birthday CoCo!! We love you!!!

combos, o'charleys, 4 brewskis, cornhole, hit or miss, 2 coffees, a butterfinger, brownies, and a mountain dew

2008-06-03T13:20:00.001-04:00

What does this all add up to? A great time with old friends, or shall I say friends that never get old. My husband, myself, and Faye piled into my always safe and reliable Grand Am yesterday afternoon and heading to Columbus to visit Matt Cline. After being stuck in a little bit of traffic, we arrived in Canal Winchester excited to spend some time with a good guy from Texas.

We talked with his parents for a bit and then heading out for a great meal at O'Charleys. We had so much fun laughing and telling stories, and even had a random lady come to our table and tell us that everytime she heard Faye laugh, it made her laugh. She walked away adding "Enjoy life, it's meant to be enjoyed!". We then came back for a couple rounds of Cornhole only to get beat twice, had a couple beers, and then went to the backyard to play some more games, and enjoy the night air.

On the way home from visiting Matt we got to talking in the car how great it is to have friends that even if you don't see them everyday, or at least once a week, it's not akward to speak with them. The time that you meet up isn't spent getting aquainted again. It's like time has never passed, you just hang out and enjoy life with them. Of course you catch up on what you're doing in your everyday life, but it's never weird or strange. You just pick up where you left off.

It's like that with Faye and Matt. Bru and Cline have been friends since kindergarten, and we all met Faye our Senior year at college. We've all went through alot, and we've spent many many hours laughing and just "doing life together". These are the people that you look back over your life and you see there for you, through everything. What a blessing it is to have such great friends!!

our new surprise...chasing what matters..parable of the sower

2008-05-29T12:41:00.009-04:00

In the previous month, we've had many requests as to what our surprise is that "makes us smile". We got many many inquires as to if we are pregnant, but seriously people, if you know us very well at all, you know that this isn't a goal for Matt and I currently at the moment. We're completely content with it just being us. No kids in our near future, unless God blesses us with a surprise! But we did want to update all of you out there in cyberspace that may not know. Our surprise is: We closed on our first home!!!

On May 15th, 2008 Matt and I sat down at the closing table, wonderng what we were getting ourselves into. I was completely out of breath and nervous that we were making a big mistake, much to Matthew's embarrassement sitting next to me. I really could hardly breathe! We had seen this house back in the beginning of March, only four days after it went on the market. Within a week we put an offer in and the seller accepted. Since then it's been a matter of time doing inspections and getting repairs done.
About two weeks before we closed, Matthew and I both started to fall into the trap of "We need this, and we need that". We made a HUGE wish list of all the items that we "supposedly" needed, but as we were walking through Lowe's one evening, I know the Holy Spirit stunned my heart. Why all of a sudden do I think I need these items? Of course there are some staple items like a lawnmower, a big waste can (which we hope to not fill too often), and some clippers for the weeds and small unwanted trees. But do we really need a wheelbarrow? Do I really need a big tall ladder?
I started painting the ceiling last Friday, and the realization came into my head. I need a ladder. But then my Spirit started to provoke me to think about what the money to buy a ladder could go for. I have a chair. I can paint the ceiling with a chair. Of course, I'll have to get up and down and up and down, and I'll get a ton of paint in my hair and on my face. But it's good for my bones to get some exercise. After all we live in a pretty obese nation, I could use the movement.
This makes me think of the commercial that is played so frequently on the televisions. It's a Chase commerical where the wife finally gives in and lets the husband go shop for a new tv to the tune of "I want it all, I want it all, I want it all, and I want it NOW". What kind of message is that saying to our children? Does a big screen television really give you fullfillment? If anything it just states what your priorities are in your home. Obviously the tv is a main focal point if you need one the size of the Titanic. Chase has a slogan that says, "Chase what matters." In our society is that what matters? Buying more things is far from chasing freedom. It only pulls the rope tighter.
Our flower beds are going through a sort of overhaul currently. The previous owner(understandably) let the flower beds go, and the weeds at the side and back of the house were litterally up to Matt's waist. The weeds at the back of the property were up and over Matt's shoulders. Matt spent the first week gutting down the major ones (It took him a week, every night!) And last evening I spent some time with my little claw thingy and dug up all the small stubborn weeds. I only got to the corner of our house because it was pretty exhausting. It made me think of the parable of the sower. It says in Matthew 13:22:
"The seed cast in the weeds is the person who hears the
kingdom news, but weeds of worry and illusions about getting
more and wanting everything under the sun strangle what was
heard, and nothing comes of it."
As I was weeding that garden I was usuing my claw thing and scraping and scraping dirt from that root. I used my spade and dug down deep. I had my little garden gloves and pulled and pulled on those roots with all my strength. I seriously felt like my eyeballs were bulging. No matter how hard I grunted, how many times I yelled and called it "stupid", some just wouldn't budge. On some I even had to get the shovel and dig the whole thing up instead of pulling. Once the root sprung up from the soil, the little veins and mud stuck to those veins told the entire story. Those roots didn't want to let go, just like the weeds of worry and doubt don't want me to find freedom in Christ as Christ intends and for the reason He came. To set us all free. So chasing what brings freedom isn't buying more items and racking up a huge bill that I can't pay. Having freedom is living in the simplicity of the blessings that Christ has already blessed you with.
Since we purchased this new home, and our prayers for this have been answered, I've been finding it difficult to find things to pray for. My life is overflowing with blessings. The hard times that I've posted in earlier blogs don't seem so heavy. And I've come to learn that my God isn't a God that needs for me to beg to Him for the needs that we have. Once I've uplifted them once, he knows my heart. He will do what he says and promises in due time. Joy complete.

tales of a beagle

2008-05-26T11:38:00.000-04:00

Yesterday afternoon, Matthew and I went to my parents house for a good ol fashioned Memorial Day weenie roast. We hadn't been to my parents for a while, so it was nice to spent some time with them and also with the rest of the extended family. (We missed you Emily, Chip and Steph!) The best part of all, without trying to offend my family, was spending some time with my puppy CoCo. Since the last time we saw her, we could tell a big difference in her health.

For CoCo's entire life, she has always been a very social, happy, joyful and sometimes onry companion. She never wanted to be alone in a room by herself, but was never clingy. She could of ate an entire bag of dog food, but would still beg for your table scraps. And she always knew when you needed her the most. She would jump up on the couch you were sitting on, sit very close to you, lick your tears away before they feel to the ground, and then would throw her shoulder into your side. That was her way of being there for you.

She is still all of those characteristics and more, but you can see her slowly declining. Her back two legs are giving out on her going up and down stairs, and her hearing is completely gone. She fell pretty bad last evening trying to come down the deck stairs, only to spring tears to my eyes. The look of struggle in her eyes was enough to make you want to carry her everywhere you went. My hearstrings felt as if they were being plucked to the point of snapping. I hate to see her this way.

I spend some time last evening with her while she was snoozing on the couch cusion. I tried to get as close as possible, with the flash off on the camera. I would hide the camera behind my back and make a quick dash for a picture. Even thought I had the flash off, with her being so camera shy, if she sees the camera she wakes up fully and makes a dash, as quickly as she can behind the couch.

I know the ending for her is near. She has had a good, long life. This August she will be turning 15. It's hard to believe so much time has passed. I have so many wonderful memories with CoCo. She really has my heart....

Gorgeously Green step 1: composting

2008-05-21T13:27:00.003-04:00

Recently I checked out a book from the library called: Gorgeously Green by Sophie Uliano. I first saw her and heard about this book on the Oprah Show. I requested it from the library and a couple of days later I began reading.

As I child, I remember going to my uncle's house with my grandpa before our annual vacation to Coldwater, Michigan. We would trek back to the far right corner of his property, wearing our big rubber boots and gloves, and head back to the compost pile. My grandpa, my uncle and I would open the little gate and start flipping over the piles of leaves and food waste. Once the leaves were flipped over, we witnessed BIG FAT JUICY worms!!! We would collect and collect many many worms and place them in our little styrofoam containers filled with dirt. These were our BIG FAT JUICY fishing worms! We caught the best blue gill off of these healthy worms.

I have been looking into starting a compost pile and considering how I would go about doing this a little over a year now. I'm ready to take the challenge. In Gorgeously Green, Sophie explains just how easy it is to start your own pile, and realy how UN-gross it is. When I think of composting the first thing that comes to mind is smelly, old, decaying items. But the more that I read into the process, it sounds absolutely amazing. After the composting has fully decayed, you have fertilizer. The benefits to the planet are astrinomical. Matthew and I have cut down our trash now to a half of a 13 gallon trash bag a week. So a full 13 gallon every two weeks. When I think about what's in that 13 gallons, it surprises me what could be composted. Below I've listed over 30 things, just in our weekly trash that can be heaped onto the pile:

****paper napkins (even though rarely use these to begin with.....cloth napkins baby!) *Post-it notes * wood chips *popcorn * leaves *spices * grass clippings * potato peelings * weeds * stale bread * coffee ground (can you say daily, sometimes twice a day?) *tea bags * shredded newspaper * egg shells * houseplant trimmings * receipts * kleenex tissues (allergy season anyone? uhh me too) * flower petals * stale potatoe chips * moldy cheese * shredded cardboard * apple cores * outdated yogurt * toenail clippings :) * watermelon rinds * dryer lint * bread crusts * cooked rice * banana peels * burned toast * vacuum cleaner bag contents * greeting-card envelopes * dirt from soles of shoes and boots ****

Look at all those items! All of this is going in the landfill when I could be making fresh fertilizer for my plants.
There are many different ways of compositing. You can just have a bin, water it down every so often if it is warm and dry. Or you can try vermicomposting. I haven't fully decided on how I would like to do this, but I'm leaning toward vermicomposting just for the benefits of quick compost and our own worms this July for a trip. From what I've read, depending upon how many worms you have in your pile, your waste can be turned into fresh silt within a week!

I'm excited to start doing this. I'm actually going to the local bait shop on the way home today just to get some prices on worms. It sounds so weird that I'm going to purchase worms, but I'm excited for the prospect of saving just a little bit more of the planet, and making my own footprint that much smaller!!

Here are a couple of site that I found interesting about worms and also about composting....

http://www.unclejim.com/
http://www.compostguide.com/

when the promises are mixed with faith

2008-05-14T14:44:00.001-04:00

"So watch your step, friends. Make sure there's no evil unbelief lying around that will trip you up and throw you off course, diverting you from the living God. For as long as its still God's Today, keep each other on your toes so sin doesn't slow down your reflexes. If we can only keep our grip on the sure thing we started out with, we're in this with Christ for the long haul........They never got there because they never listened, never believed.....but the promises didn't do them a bit of good because they didn't receive the promises with faith. If we believe, though, we'll experience that state of resting. But not if we don't have faith.....God keeps renewing the promise and setting the date as Today...."
Hebrew 3 and 4 various verses in the Message.

I feel like we're on a bit of a faith journey right now. It's sort of hard to explain in words, especially for those of you out there in cyberspace. (so please excuse me if this doesn't make sense). I've been trying to understand the concept of the words faith and believe. Many times in the Bible those words are used. In The Message the word faith is used 162 times and believe 189 times. But what do those words really mean....I mean REALLY mean when you apply them personally to your life.

I've been noticing a pattern in my life growing up. I always based my belief on the things that I could see. Of course I believed in Jesus and God. That they existed. But when you apply their existence in your own personal life, your day to day experiences, where do they fit in? You can believe in God and Jesus but their existence doesn't effect your life in any way, shape, or form. I've known individuals who said they believed in Jesus, but it didn't change how they treated others, viewed what God blessed them with, changed how they treated those at the supermarket. Oh yeah, they believed, but they still remained in their life as if that existence didn't change anything for them. I always have based my belief on a human level, but my eyes are being opened to belief in the heavenly level. I'd like to think it's from God's perspective, at least I hope it is.

What if the things that Matthew and I desire are right in front of our faces. So reachable, but from our perspective, they seem unreachable. Unreachable because we have never listened, never believed. (real belief, not the mystical use of the word) What type of belief is that to reach those things that God is giving you but you can't see? The belief that makes things visible?

Further down in Hebrews it says : "While he lived on earth, anticipating death, Jesus cried out in pain and wept in sorrow as he offered up priestly prayers to God. Because he honored God, God answered him. Though he was God's Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do."

We are defiently not suffering by any means, so please do not confuse me with saying our trials and complications are anywhere near the suffering of our Glorious Jesus. But I believe this verse states that we learn through troubles, just as Jesus learned, if we learn through a trusting-obedience type of relationship with God.

"Parched ground that soaks up the rain and then produces an abundance of carrots and corn for its gardener gets God's "Well done!" But if it produces weeds and thistels, it's more likely to get cussed out. Fields like that are burned, not harvested. .... And now I want each of you to extend that same intensity toward a full-bodied hope, and keep at it till the finish. Don't drag your feet. Be like those who stay the course with committed faith and then get everything promised to them."

I don't feel like we know what we're doing....really. I don't know what we should be doing, but I do know what I don't want to be doing with this present moment, this Today. I don't want to produce weeds and thistels with today. I don't want to be burned, my life, my field to be a big fat waste. I want my life to produce a harvest. A harvest of faith, of grace and mercy towards others. I want to quit this selfish lifestyle, who only serves myself. I want to live a life full of trust, faith, and belief. But Lord how do I do that?

05/08/08

2008-05-08T13:48:00.001-04:00

I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeign this: they enter the mystery, abandoning themselves to God.

Blessed are you who give yourselves over to GOD, turn your backs
on the world's "sure thing", ignore what the world worships;
The world's a huge stockpile of God-wonders and God-thoughts.
Nothing and no one comes close to you!
I start talking about you, telling what I know, and quickly run out of words.
Neighter numbers nor words account for you.

Doing something for you, bringing something to you--that's not what you're after.
Being religious, acting pious--that's not what you're asking for.
You've opened my ears so I can listen.

So I answered, "I'm coming. I read in your letter what you wrote about me,
And I'm coming to the party you're throwing for me."
That's when God's Word entered my life, became part of my very being.

I've preached you to the whole congregation, I've kept back nothing, GOD--you know that.
I didn't keep the news of your ways a secret, didn't keep it to myself.
I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough. I didn't hold back pieces of love and truth.
For myself along, I told it all, let the congregation know the whole story.

Now GOD, don't hold out on me, don't hold back your passion.
Your love and truth are all that keeps me together.
When troubles ganged up on me, a mob of sins past counting,
I was so swamped by guilt I couldn't see my way clear.
More guilt in my heart than hair on my head, so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

Soften up, GOD, and intervene; hurry and get me some help,
So those who are trying to kidnap my soul will be embarrassed and lose face,
So anyone who gets a kick out of m aking me miserable will be heckled and disgraced,
So those who pray for my ruin will be booed and jeered without mercy.

But all who are hunting for you--oh, let them sing and be happy.
Let those who know what you're all about tell the world you're great and not quitting.
And me?I'm a mess. I'm nothing and have nothing:make something of me.
You can do it; you've got what it takes--but GOD, don't put it off.
Psalm 40 The Message

endorphins

2008-05-05T11:15:00.003-04:00

I heard once, that any type of excerise, is especially good for those individuals going through stressful times or those going through fits of depression. While Matt and I currently aren't going through a time of depression, we are definetly in some stressful times. Probably the most stress we've felt in a very long time, probably in our entire marriage.
I heard that exercising is a way for your brain to enduce endorphins into your system. Once those endorphins are released, generally your outlook on life becomes a little clearer. I looked up the word endorphins online at dictionary.com and this is what it said, not a guarantee that it is 100% acurate:

Endorphins are long chains of amino acids, or polypeptides, that are able to bind to the neuroreceptors in the brain and are capable of relieving pain in a manner similar to that of morphine....Besides behaving as a pain reducer, endorphins are also thought to be connected to euphoric feelings, appetite modulation, and the release of sex hormones. Prolonged, continuous exercise contributes to an increased production of endorphins and, in some people, the subsequent "runner's high."

We should of ran more last week....after getting the stressful news a couple of weeks ago, we vegged out on the couch and threw ourselves pity party after pity party. We let our stress get the best of us. Took a week off from running, until....
Yesterday afternoon/evening, we went to a metro park not far from our house (pic above). We decided to do some walking on the trails, and then end it with a long run up and down the hills of the root covered, spiderwebbed from branch to branch trail aptly named the "green trail". Overall it's about 2-3 miles long. We only ran about 2 of those miles, but man! were the endorphins running on full speed yesterday!!! I personally just couldn't stop jogging. It felt so amazing to get the stress out of my bones. We definelty should of done this a week earlier, my waistline would probably look a little more slimming and my heart wouldn'y have to beat so hard to pump by blood through my lazy last week body. I was definetly feeling the "runner's high" that I had forgetton about, as it was masked in the self loathing and pain of the week.

The metropark is amazing, and I'm so thankful that we live next to a wonderful park like this. Before we moved up north, I took advantage of this park while growing up. It was just the place we went to feed the ducks, eat KFC with our families, and celebrated our birthdays. But since we've moved back to the area, it has become sort of a sanctuary for us. A place to release our stress and troubles, and leave them on the path behind us.....

though the cherry trees don't blossom

2008-05-01T15:02:00.002-04:00

Matthew and I received some pretty disappointing news last Friday. I will leave it unnamed, but it was something that we had both hoped that would happen. Matt more than myself I think. We were so sure that this was something that God was going to allow to happen for us, that when we recieved the news, emotions flowed to the tune of "Where did we get this wrong?"
It pretty much stunned us the entire weekend. It really set us back a few, flew us against the wall, and swept our feet out from under us. What do we do now? Where do we go from here? It brought me to a place where I succombed to the temptation of questioning the character of God. But I soon came to realize the deception from the Enemy and knew that God's love for us didn't change because of this. If anything, he was holding us so close, realizing our dissappointment and sadness, encouraging us to press on.
This week I've been searching the Word for explainations of the concept of hope. Individuals throughout my life have said "don't get your hopes up". But what is the difference between "not getting your hopes up" and having your hope in the Lord? I'm starting to understand that having your hopes in situations is when you start to get your hopes up. Having hope in the Lord has nothing to do with that. They are two separate concepts.
Some things that the Lord has revealed to me this week, I've posted below. Hopefully they'll inspire all of you out there, and you'll come to a new understanding of what Jesus means when he says to keep your hope.

"Though the cherry trees don't blossom
and the strawberries don't ripen,

Though the apples are worm-eaten and the wheat fields stunted,

Though the sheep pens are sheepless and the cattle barns empty,

I'm singing joyful praise to GOD.
I'm turning cartwheels of joy to my Savior God.
Counting on GOD's Rule to prevail, I take heart and gain strength.

I run like a deer. I feel like I'm king of the mountain!"
~~Habakkuk 17-19 The Message

"Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day."

~Psalm 139:15-16 The Message

"God always does what he says, and is gracious in everything he does. God gives a hand to those down on their luck, gives a fresh start to those ready to quit."
~~Psalm 145:13-14 The Message

"Everything God does is right--the trademark on all his works is love."
~~Psalm 145:17

Ginghamsburg New Path 5K Run 2008

2008-04-29T13:54:00.001-04:00

As some of you may remember, on March 14, I posted a blog about Matt and I's decision to take on the challenge of running our first 5K! Just as a reminder to everyone, althought Matt played soccer aggressively in high school and also in college, and I played tennis during those same years, we are in NO WAY runners. I despised playing sports such as basketball where you were always running. Tennis was nice, short sprints. I DESPISE running!! Yeah, yeah, it always feels good after you've done it, but I've always lacked the desire and will power to make running a habit.

The weeks leading up to the big run, we didn't really "train" persay. We still ate out at restaurants, pigged out on chip and dip at home, and casually ran every 2-3 days. When I finally mapped out how far 3.1 miles actually was, I started to get a little fearful which in turn drove me to train consistently and not give up.

We ran the full two weeks before the race every other day. On the off days, we would hike the woods not far from our house, or ride our bikes. We started to be able to run farther and farther. About 5 days before the big run, I actually ran the full 3.1 miles without stopping. Success!!!

The Thursday before the race, we went out to the actual path around Ginghamsburg. Whew!!! That was rough. 2 major hills over 75, and one smaller hill in the middle. These weren't straight up hills like I would of liked, but graaaddduuuaaalll hills that seemed to never end.

Race day.......was a chilly one. I was the dummy that decided to wear shorts and my running jacket. It was about 45 degrees (which we were used to 70 degree weather). My little legs were bright red, and my upper body felt like it was going to explode from all the cold air filling my lungs, but I'm proud to say WE DID IT!

There were over 400 people that ran/walked the race with us. This was really such an amazing experience. New Path feeds the people in Miami and Montgomery country who have hit rough times in their life, suppling them with food, clothing, furniture and God's love. I was so excited to be a part of something that was good for my body, and also for those that need God's love the most.

For full race details with pictures you can go to the site below:

http://www.speedy-feet.com/

Matthew finished in place number 190 at 33 minutes and 58 seconds running an average of 10:57 a mile. He was 10 out of 14 in his age group.

I finished in place number 209 at 35 minutes and 31 seconds running an average of 11:27 a mile. I finished 16 out of 39 for my age group.

Even thought our numbers aren't the greatest or the best, I'm extremely proud of ourselves. We took on a task that we had never even attempted to try before, and ran with our whole hearts.

Grumblers, complainers, and faultfinders

2008-04-24T13:35:00.003-04:00

This week has been full of some revelations in my own life. It started on Sunday. We decided to sleep in a little longer and then go to the 1130am service at our church, Ginghamsburg. We've been in a series called "A Faith that Works: See and Do". I've included a link below if anyone is interested in seeing the amazing message.

http://ginghamsburg.org/sermon/resources/2008_04_20_Video/207/

The band started off with a classic Michael Jackson song called "Man in the Mirror". I haven't heard this song in a very long time, but it's funny how you can remember the words, even after much time has passed. Our church is very "gospelly" if that is a word. We don't have hard rock like our old church. They put their own spin on the songs, and they usually use a full choir with a few lead singers. Amazing! There was so much power in the words they were saying. It was so enjoyable to watch them, but it had a double effect on my heart. I loved listening to them, but it made me question what I'm doing with my own life. It brought tears to my eyes because of the power of what they were saying. Some of the lyrics are below:

I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life
It's gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference
Gonna make it right...
As I, turn up the collar on my favorite winter coat
This wind is blowin' my mind
I see the kids in the street, with not enough to eat
Who am I, to be blind? Pretending not to see their needs
A summer's disregard, a broken bottle top
And a one man's soul
They follow each other on the wind ya' know
'Cause they got nowhere to go
That's why I want you to know

I'm starting with the man in the mirror
I'm asking him to change his ways
And no message could have been any clearer
If you wanna make the world a better place
Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

Our pastor, Mike Slaughter asked a question at the end of the sermon. As we all bowed our heads, he prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill the place, and for the Spirit to speak to each one of us, telling us what we should do. And I don't think when you pray for that it's some hokey experience. The Holy Spirit NEVER refuses a request like that. As I prayed that in my own heart, I felt the Spirit was telling me to "get more involved".
I believe I need to get more involved in my marriage, in my family, my relationships with friends, with the suffering of the world, not turning a blind eye to those things that God cares about, just because I would rather be doing something. I think it also means taking care of my health and making healthy decisions concerning eating and excercising.

In my times with the Lord this week, I've spent every night out on our balcony looking at the amazing sunsets setting in the west. Feeling the gentle breeze on my skin, and watching how beautiful the Lord ends each of his days. A painter couldn't paint a more beautiful picture.
I've been realizing, since my study on the "Beloved Disciple" by Beth Moore has been over, I'm struggling with what to read. And as a result I feel that I've been a little farther from the Lord than I had previously been in the past 10 weeks.
As I've been sitting on the balcony, I feel that the Lord has brought to my attention some things, in conjuction with the sermon Sunday, that I need to change. So I guess this is a bit of a confession time for me on here. Hope you bloggers don't mind.

"These men are grumblers and faultfinders;they follow their own evil desires; they boast about themselves and flatter others for their own advantage." Jude 16

"Now the people complained about their hardships in the hearing of the LORD, and when he heard them his anger was aroused. Then fire from the LORD burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp." Numbers 11:1

How much time do I spend grumbling, faultfinding and complaining?!?!?! In the past I've been around those people that complain and grumble all the time and it drives me crazy. I've always viewed them as annoying, but I've never looked at myself and seen the log in my eye. What does my grumbling and so forth do to God? What does he think? How does it sound to his ears? From Numbers 22:1 it obviously makes him very angry.

I've begun to realize that I've always been a faultfinder. I believe in finding justice for everyone. And when I think of that, I predominately think of the children that our church supports in Darfur, Sudan, and also many countries in Africa. I want to find who is at fault in most situations. But I've also been realizing that I try to put blame on everyone else in my everyday life for all of my problems. "I think God's telling me to let it go...it doesn't really matter."

So hopefully, with the Holy Spirit's help, I'll continue to look at the "(wo)man in the mirror". I'll start to cast blame on myself, and see what I'm NOT doing and then what I SHOULD be doing to help others. I want the world to change so badly, for others to see Christ, but it won't help if I don't start with myself.

bird conversations

2008-04-21T13:55:00.002-04:00

Since spring has arrived, I've been trying to take extra moments when I wake up, extra moments while I'm walking to my car, extra moments while I'm sitting on the balcony reading, to take notice of the little things. The little things that we take for granted when we're rushing from here to there. One sound I've been noticing alot, that I've always enjoyed, but always seem to tune out during the rush, is the conversations between birds. The chitter chatter and songs that they sing. What are they really saying?

When a dog barks, he's warning us of something, trying to get us to feed them, or they want outside. But what do birds say to each other?

I was thinking a couple of weeks ago that maybe they are saying to one another "Isn't God great! He's bringing the worms back to the ground! He's giving us shade and cover in the trees once again! I'm back to my original home, I can rest my wings!!"

....or....

maybe they are singing praises to God. What if they really are speaking to Jesus?! And what if Jesus is speaking back to them in a voice that our human ears can't understand. Even if we could understand, are we taking the moments to try to hear the faint sound of Jesus' voice whispering to us as well?

saving the planet, (IKEA) , one bag at a time

2008-04-15T11:48:00.005-04:00

Last weekend Matthew, Britney, Tim, Camden and I all hopped into the car and drove the 45 miles from Vandalia to West Chester to visit the brand new IKEA store. We had all been to an IKEA before, so we knew what we were facing. Britney and Tim went to the one in New York while visiting Tim's sister, and Matt and I had been to the one in Detroit twice the past year before we moved.

I was pretty pumped to go. I love their innovative ideas in furniture, and of course love their prices. We arrived about 1pm after eating at Chipotle. Camden was put in the stroller and we hit the showroom....well not exactly.... Britney and I stopped at the cafeteria to chow down on some triple fudge cake, and frozen apple pie with Swedish coffee...yum. Camden had a good time making funny faces eatin his mac' n cheese. (the real reason we went to the cafeteria...but couldn't pass up the cake!!)

We went through the showroom, lost each other a couple of times while Camden took a short nap. Then hit the warehouse below. Matt and I purchased some good finds hopefully for our new place. I hit up the fabric and Matt waited patiently. We also found a wall panel hanging of birch trees. Can't wait to put that up!

While we were checking out I felt such a sense of pride. A huge retailer is finally getting a clue. At IKEA, if you don't bring in your own bag to place your purchased items in, be prepared to pay for that nasty plastic bag. IKEA charges 5 cents per plastic bag that you request. WAY TO GO!

From the 5 cents they have collected, their partner, American Forests, are planting over 300,000 trees. Hopefully people we get the hint that if you want groceries, do what they did in the past and bring your own bag, and breathe better along the way.

I've heard that some people say it's inconvienent to bring your own canvas bag. But since Matt and I have been putting this into practice (which sometimes we forget, and do take a plastic bag when it's absolutely necessary) it's actually quite simple, and we live on the 3rd floor of an apt!! So it really isn't that hard, especially if you live in a house where you just walk out your side door. : ) Just leave the canvas bags at your side door and take them out the next time you go to your car. It's really not that inconvienent.

I think it's great what IKEA is doing. I read their article online about their program. I sincerely believe that they are putting this into practice because they care about the environment and the footprint they leave. Other superstores, like um...Walmart, are catching on, but it seems that they are only doing it for profit. It seems like all of their motives are done for the green....$$$ that is.

For the full article check out: http://www.ikea.com/ms/en_US/about_ikea/press_room/press_release/national/blue_bag_thank_you.html

American Forests:
www.americanforests.org.

nuking vs. teapot

2008-04-10T14:13:00.001-04:00

vs.

Last weekend, Matthew and I went to visit my Uncle Eric and Aunt Denise at there home in Upper Arlington. We had one particular task that had to be completed before we could have some fun. Dreadful taxes! The past three years, we've been hounded by the IRS after filing, for various reasons, so we have our fingers crossed for this year. Hopefully it will be a success with no bumps down the road.

Some of the things we did was ride our bikes from their home, downtown to OSU's campus. It was such a nice and sunny day that Saturday. They borrowed two bikes from their neighbors and we hit the trail. ((((One thing I need to express though, is we haven't rode since last November. It's just too much effort and muscle strength to get those bikes down the three floors of our apt building!!)))) So we jumped on the bikes, filed into a straight line, and road like the wind down to campus. (Hopped a couple of curbs, had a couple other bikers ding their bells at us...which means get out of the way...and rode and rode.) In the end we made it down to campus, printed some papers and then enjoyed a delicious Chinese meal at one of the many little restaurants on campus. We then made the long trip back to their house. I've found the ride back always seems so much longer.

The following day, after church we decided to go on another ride....needless to say, it wasn't as easy this time to get on the bikes. Our tooshies were a little sore. But in the end, the two day total in mileage, was 27 miles! Woo-hoo! This summer looks promising!! Hopefully we'll break some of our past records of single trip miles. Currently it is 22 miles for one ride. I'll let you know when we beat that....

....One thing I want to point out is I learned something cool over the weekend. You see, my aunt Denise is a huge tea drinker!! We sat down about three times that weekend and enjoyed morning tea, afternoon tea, and evening tea. One question that occurred to me was, "Is it better "tea" to have the teapot heat your water, or does it work just as well in the microwave?" Is the tea higher quality, or brewed to a crisper, more delicious taste if it is done in a teapot, or is it just the same as in the microwave? Does instant gratification work with this?, or am I cheating myself of better tea by waiting for the teapot to whistle?

While researching this question
(yeah I know, I know, I admit too that I'm a pretty big dork for even caring which is better)
I found the answer.

The only advantage of heating the water in a teapot versus heating in the microwave, is that the water remains heated for a longer amount of time if it is heated in a teapot instead of a microwave.

...I think I'll stick with the instant gratification of nuking it in the microwave...

the lion, the witch and the wardrobe

2008-04-04T14:38:00.002-04:00

I've been writing alot of blogs lately...haven't I? (you can tell there is a lot of downtime this week at work...)

I was looking through my journal that I keep, and I always write down quotes that I find that I think are either fascinating, or really interesting. As I was reading back through today, I found three that I really like from the book, The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis. I know, I know, it's a children's book, but I'm still excited about it. I read it for the first time just a couple of months ago.

******

Chapter 8 page 85.

"Wrong will be right,
when Aslan comes in sight.
At the sound of his roar,
Sorrows will be no more.
When he bares his teeth,
Winter meets its death.
And when he shakes his mane,
We shall have spring again."

******
Chapter 8 page 86

"Who said anything about safe? Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."

******

Chapter 8 page 88

"But in general, take my advice, when you meet anything that's going to be human and isn't yet, or used to be human once and isn't now, or ought to be human and isn't, you keep your eyes on it and feel for your hatchet."

******

And this last one is from the book The Soul Hunter
(sequel to When The Day of Evil Comes)
by Melanie Wells

"Demons enjoy waste, I believe. They prey on the lost and broken while they’re standing on the brink, and then lures them over the edge to an ugly demise. To waste a soul, to trick a human being—the invaluable bearer of divine image—into despair and self-abnegation, this, for him, would be the consummate victory in his strange, twisted game."

It's Not About Me

2008-04-02T14:01:00.002-04:00

I finished up a good read today.....well not really a "good" read, an excellent one. I've been reading It's Not About Me by Max Lucado. His writing really gives a new perspective about your place in the world, how much God adores you, and how we as believers should be carrying the torch of the gospel. My favorite chapter is the last. I've typed it out below....

"So you like Jewish authors?"
The fellow asking the question sat on the aisle seat. I had the window, which meant I had a view of the runway. The mechanical crew was repairing a bird dent on the wing. While they worked, I read. As I read my Bible, the rabbi interrupted.
"So you like Jewish authors?"
The twinkle in his eye betrayed his pleasure in the question. His chest-length mop of a beard couldn't hide his smile. I had spotted him earlier in the waiting area. The tassels from his shirttail and hair-clipped yarmulke led me to peg him as the pios, silent type.
Pious. Yes. But silent? He loved to talk. He loved to talk Torah. I was in for a lesson. Tucked away in the ceremonies and laws of Moses, he explained, are pictures of God. Who could offer a sacrifce and not weep for God's grace? Who could read about servants redeeming their kinsmen and not think about God redeeming us? And who could reaqd the third commandment without remembering to live for God's glory?
I signaled a time-out, opened to Exodus, and read the third command: "You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain." (20:7) My puzzled experssion was enough to request an explaination.
"Don't think language; think lifestyle," he instructed. "The command calls us to elevate the name or reputation of God to the highest place. We exist to give honor to his name. May I illustrate?"
By now the damaged wing was fixed (the plane's; can't speak for the bird). And as we gained altitude, so did the rabbi. I took notes. He proceeded to create a story involving a Manhatten skyscraper. Everyone in the building works for the CEO, who offices the top floor. Most have not seen him, but they have seen his daughter. She works in the building for her father. She exploits her family position to her benefit.
One morning she approaches Bert, the guard. "I'm hungry, Bert. Go down the street and buy me a Danish."
The demand places Bert in a quandary. He's on duty. Leaving his post puts the building at risk. But his boss's daughter insists, "Come on now; hurry up."
What option does he have? As he leaves, he says nothing but thinks something like, If the daughter is so bossy, what does that say about her father?
She's only getting started. Munching on her muffin, she bumps into a paper-laden secretary. "Where are you going with all those papers?"
"To have them bound for an afternoon meeting."
"Forget the meeting. Come to my office and vacuum the carpet."
"But I was told..."
"And I am telling you something else."
The woman has no choice. After all, this is the boss's daughter speaking. Which causes the secretary to question the wisdom of the boss.
And on the daughter goes. Making demands. Calling shots. Interrupting schedules. Never invoking the name of her dad. Never leverging her comments with, "My dad said..."
No need to.
Isn't she the boss's child? Doesn't the child speak for the father? And so Bert abandons his post. An assistant fails to finish a task. And more than one employee questions the wisdom of the man upstairs. Does he really know what he is doing? they wonder.
The rabbi paused here. We both felt the plane nosing downward. His remaining time was short. But his point was clear. The girl dishonored the name of her father, not with the vulgar language, but with insensitive living. Keep this up and the whole building will be second-guessing the CEO.
But my traveling partner wasn't finished. He scratched his bearded chin and lifted both eyebrows as he propsed, "But what if the daughter acted differently?" and then proceeded to recast the story.
Rather than demand a muffin from Bert, she brings a muffin to Bert. "I thought of you this morning," she explains. " You arrive so early. Do you have time to eat? And she hands him the gift.
En route to the evelator she bumps into a woman with an armful of documents. "My, I'm sorry, Can I help?" the daughter offers. The assistant smiles, and the two carry the stacks down the hallway.
And so the daughter engages the people. She asks about their families, offers to bring them coffee. New workers are welcomed, and hard workers are applauded. She, through kindness and concern, raises the happiness level of the entire company.
She does so not even mentioning her father's name. Never does she declare, "My father says..." There is no need to. Is she not his child? Does she not speak on his behalf? Reflect his heart? When she speaks, they assume she speaks for him. And because they think highly of her, they think highly of her father.
They've not seen him.
They've not met him.
But they know his child, so they know his heart.
By now the flight was ending, and so was my Hebrew lesson. Thanks to the rabbi, the third command shouldered new meaning. Paul, another rabbi, would have appreciated the point. He wrote: " We are ambassadors for Christ, as though God were making an appeal through us" (2 Corinthians 5:20). The ambassador has a singular aim-to represent his king. He promotes the king's agenda, protects the king's reputation, and presents the king's will. The ambassador elevates the name of the king.
May I close this book with a prayer that we do the same? May God rescue us from self-centered thinking. May we have no higher goal than to see someone think more highly of our Father, our King. After all, in's not about....well, you an finish the sentence.
"You know how the story ends?" the rabbi asked as we were taxiing to a stop. Apparently a punch line.
"No, I don't. How?"
"The daughter takes the elevator to the top floor to see her father. When she arrives, he is waiting in the doorway. He's aware of her good works and has seen her kind acts. People think more highly of him because of her. And he knows it. As she approaches, he greets her with six words."
The rabbi paused and smiled.
"What are they?" I urged, never expecting to hear an orthodox Jew quote Jesus.

"Well done, good and faithful servant."

........May God sustain you until you hear the same........

trying to find God's glory in the midst of pain

2008-04-01T14:18:00.006-04:00

The past seven days, I've been thinking alot about what occurred on these exact same seven days just one year ago. Just a little while ago, about a year and a half, Matthew and I desired to go to Cairo, Egypt to teach in a missionary school. We traveled down to Florida for these seven days to go through the first week of training, and came back with an ache in our hearts that still to this day hasn't been redeemed. We don't know how God will flip the pain to reveal His glory.

We're searching for it. In every nook and cranny of our lives. We want to proclain God's glory through these hurts, but how do you do that, when it doesn't make sense, and you don't know the words to put behind the pain to reflect God in a way that honors Him?

When we look back since that time, we can't image being in Egypt right now. We agree that we weren't ready to go. We weren't prepared the way that missionaries need to be. We didn't know enough about our Savior and about our God to go into a predominately Muslim country. We weren't prepared to be comsidered infidels.

I feel like I know more about God than I did then...but I still don't feel prepared, and I don't know if that will ever be a desire in my heart again.

I remember after that time spent in Florida, coming back to Bowling Green and spring approaching. I love the spring time. I love how the sun feels different and the lense of winter escapes the sun. Spring represents so much to me. It's the green. It's new life. Winter is so harsh and depressing. Everything around you is dead. No confidence of hope. No confidence until that little spout of green appears in the muck and mire of the ground. Spring is on it's way. The redeeming power of Jesus is magnified through the nature of the earth.

That spring time, even though little sprouts of green were appearing, my heart was stuck in winter. I remember listing to my favorite band U2, trying to keep a collected and hopeful spirit. I remember driving along 75 N to work, listing to "Beautiful Day" , with my sunroof peeked open, yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs that song. Tears streamed down my face, but I wasn't going to say that it wasn't a beautiful day, because it was. It was God's day.

Some of the lyrics that touched my gray heart was:

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you
..............
What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel it somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now ....Don't need it now
Was a beautiful day

When I think back on that time, even through the pain, the anger and quite honestly the hate for God that I had because it didn't make sense. How could God do this? But it didn't have anything to do with that. God was molding me, using the pain in my heart to create in me a trust that I never had before. God didn't make sense. I didn't have anything to hold onto. That trip brought me to a place of need. Need of God. Need of the REAL God. Not someone that you go to just for things. Not someone that you just go to for healing of a family member. The REAL God who uses those things to ultimately glorify Him through the pain. A God that doesn't make sense, but a God this is REAL.

Another lyric from U2 that I would sing over and over is Walk On

And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for a second you turn back
Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it, no they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on...Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind You got to leave it behind
All that you fashion All that you make
All that you build All that you break
All that you measure All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason All that you sense
All that you speak All you dress-up
All that you scheme...

Just walk on....just walk on....Matt and I have been repeating that in our heads since the day we left, one year ago. Just walk on. God will meet you along the way, and turn your heartbreak into His Glory. Just keep walking.

! ! ! wE hAvE a SuRpRiSe tHaT mAkEs uS sMiLe ! ! !

2008-03-28T14:41:00.005-04:00

we have some surprising news...but we aren't allowed to tell.....as you can tell from Matty's smile, we're super excited!! check back in a couple of weeks to get the full scoop!

((((this isn't really how my husband looks naturally...he was playing a little too much with the photobooth application on Apple)))))

.... July 29 .... My Utmost for His Highest ....

2008-03-26T14:44:00.001-04:00

"In the Bible clouds are always connected with God. Clouds are those sorrows or sufferings or providences, within or without our personal lives, which seem to dispute the rule of God. It is by those very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were no clouds, we should have no faith. 'The clouds are but the dust of our Father's feet (see Nahum 1:3). The clouds are a sign that He is there. ... Through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in the cloud is to simplify our belief until our relationship to Him is exactly that of a child--God and my own soul, other people are shadows. ... Unless we can look the darkest, blackest fact full in the face without damaging God's character, we do not yet know Him."
~~Oswalt Chambers

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.
On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand; all other ground is sinking sand.
~~Edward Mote, "The Solid Rock" in the Baptist Hymnal

the incredible edible egg...or mushroom egggsplosion?!?!

2008-03-21T00:13:00.001-04:00

.....easter time......bouncing bunnies.....colored hard boiled eggs....or is that an egg cloud?

Last night, I decided to try to take on some "wife duties" and cook, cook, cook!! You have to realize, I don't enjoy cooking, I usually burn up everything that I make, and I definetly don't know how to make brownies that don't end up in the trash. Despite all the tragedies yesterday while trying to take on these wife roles, I had some good laughs. God always gives you humor if you look at the situations carefully with an open mind!!

It started with my fudgey brownies. I decided to make these for the Children's Easter egg hunt at church. Well they actually never made it to the church. They are currently sitting in the bottom of the garbage pail.

Second disaster, I wanted to make cookies for the same event. Well while I was paying close attention to the brownies cooking, I forgot about the stick of butter on the counter. Needless to say, I was cleaning up a big pool of melted butter from the counter, and searching frantically for another stick. In the end, they were pretty good.

Third, the eggsplosion!! I know how to cook hard boiled eggs...I really do! But for some reason I decided to boil the water, and then put the eggs in. Bad idea. I ended up with four poached eggs before I knew it. Wasted time, wasted eggs. I had to let the water cool, put the eggs in, and then flare up that heat and start all over. In the end I had one more wasted egg, but a really cool experiement!! Look at that yolk cloud!! Watch out!!

The Sonship of Christ, and how it relates to Me

2008-03-17T13:27:00.004-04:00

I've found myself searching for things to call "mine". Through elementary, it was fighting with my sister for things to call my own. (even though half the time the things were mine, and she really had no desire for them except to upset me). Through junior high, it was a place to fit in, acceptance of friends, and not feeling so much like a nerd. In high school it was still fighting for acceptance, and for others to like me and to want to be around me. In college, it was the same, to find a place where I was accepted, even if that meant compromising my values. After college and into married life, it was a job to call my own, a home to call my own, deeply desiring a property instead of 400-500 square feet of a building. And since the big move to southern Ohio it has been the same...job...church...acceptance and a place in my family...a property to own. I've always struggled with wanting to have "my own things".

I've even noticed that since I have been married I am very protective of my things that weren't acquired through the marriage. One thing in particular stands out in my mind. I have had a little ballerina bunny stuffed animal since I was very small. This isn't a huggable ballerina. It's only about 5" in height, and it has a little looped string attached to it's backside where you can hang in on a christmas tree, a hook in the hallway, or where I like to find it's home, on the doorknob of our bedroom door. When we were packing and moving from our Palmer apt in Bowling Green, I was in the middle of packing and I couldn't find my ballerina bunny. I searched everywhere for this bunny. Up on cabinets, in boxes I already packed...and wouln't you know I found it in the most hideous place ever. THE GARBAGE!!! I was shocked!! I knew that I didn't throw my precious bunny away. There was only one culprit that could of done this. Matthew. When he got home from work...I put a huge flame to his behind. It wasn't his to throw away! Why did he touch MY bunny!!! This was MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! Needless to say....the bunny is back on our doorknob, and my husband knows now never to touch my little pink and white ballerina bunny. HANDS OFF!

I think as humans, we are innately created to have a desire to have things that we call mine. In my time with the Lord this morning, this was made so clear to me, that I want to pass it along. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I really believe this will forever change my view of how Christ sees me, and my place in this world.

Beth Moore writes in her devotional "Beloved Disciple" :

"I am convinced that a certain need to possess is so innate in all of us that if we could call nothing our own, our souls would deflate with hopelessness and meaninglessness. Please hear this: ours is not a God who refuses us all possession. He's simply protective enough of our hearts not to encourage a death grip on things we cannot keep. He's not holding out on us. He's not dangling carrots in front of our noses and then popping us in the mouth when we lunge to bite the bait. Contrary to much public opion, God does not play some kind of sick "I created you to want but will not let you have" game with us. Quite the contrary, the Author of life will only encourage us to call "mine" what is most excellent. Most exquisite. To those who receive, God gives Himself.
When we consider that Jesus Christ came to earth as the fullness of the Godhead bodily, He actually showed amazing restraint in exercising His divine rights (Matt 26:53-54) It's as if Christ seemed to say 'I've set aside My crown, My position, My glory, and soon I'll set aside My life for all of you, but I will not lay down my Sonship. God is My Father. Deal with it'.
The Son of Man had no place to call His own. He had no wife or children. He had no riches, though the diamond and gold mines of the world belonged to Him. He laid claim to nothing. He laid aside everything to descend to earth and wrap Himself in our injured flesh. Taking on our humanity, He also took on our most intrinsic need. In all the loss and sacrifice, He needed something He could call "Mine". Christ came to earth with nothing but His Father, and that relationship was nonnegotioable.

Dear Child of God, if you and I were as unrelenting in excercising our rights of sonship or daughtership, our lives would be transformed. Satan would never be able to dislodge us from God's plan and blessing. You see, Christ had to make the decision to lay aside many rights, but because He retained the most important one of all, His right of Sonship, Satan could not win. Christ led many sons to glory and got to once again pick up every right He had laid aside.
God may ask you to lay down the right to be acknowledged in a situation, to give our opinion, to take up for ourselves, or to be promoted as we think we deserve. The right to leave a spouse, even though we might have biblical grounds; to withhold fellowship when the other person has earned our distance; to be shown as the one who was right; to maintaint our dignity in earthly matters; to exercise our basic human rights. But let this truth be engraved on your heart: you will never be required to lay aside your rights as God's child-nor must you ever fall to Satan's temptation to weaken your position. As long as you exercise your rights of sonship, constantly reminding yourself (and your enemy) who God is and whose you are, Satan will never be able to defeat you or thwart any part of God's plan for you life. Any loss of other right God permits or persuades you to lay aside is temporary. You will ultimately receive a hundredfold in return.
Hold your position! Never let anything or anyone talk you out of exercising your right of sonship! Satan targets us because we are the children of God. He is defeated when we refuse to back off from our positional rights. The last thing he wants to hear from you is, "I am a born-again, justified child of God, and I exercse my right to rebuke you! You, devil, are defeated. You can't take me from my Father nor my Father from me.
No matter what you may lose or lay aside, you can call the Father of life "mine"! As His child, you have 24/7 direct access. God will never turn a deaf ear to you or look the other way when you are treated unjustly. You aren't left to hope He hears you, loves you, or realizes what's going on. Know it. Never view your situation in any other context than God as your Father and you as His child."

a new feat to overcome....the BIG 5K!!!

2008-03-14T12:51:00.002-04:00

On April 26, 2008, Matt and I will be trying to overcome a huge feat in endurance, mindset, and muscle strength. We are going to run our first 5K!!

Ginghamsburg is holding a 5K run to benefit the ministry of New Path Outreach Ministry. Matt and I will be running at an early, 9 a.m. for 3.1 miles. New Path Outreach aids many families in the Miami Valley area with food, housing, furniture, transportation and much more. New Path is a United Way agency.

I'm pretty pumped about running this race. I've never ran in a race longer than one mile, so this is a huge milestone for us. We have about six weeks and counting until race day. We have a lot of ground to cover so we aren't an embarrassing site.

We've got our registration fee covered, but if anyone would like to know more about New Path, about the race, or donate to this cause and partner with us to raise funds for New Path, please message us. We'd love for you to partner in this race with us!!

The Sudan Project's running total through the Brubaker Art Barn

2008-03-13T12:06:00.011-04:00

Running Total as of
March 13, 2008 at 12:06pm:

$ 94.45

Through my sales on juvalee13.etsy.com I have been able to sell enough custom labels to generate $94.45 in donations for the Sudan Project at Ginghamsburg Church. This is something that God laid on my heart to do through creating my custom fabric labels and also through my other pieces as well.

I've struggled with the talent of creating artwork, and also textile projects and I still struggle with it today. When you look at the artists of our time now, and also the famous ones that grace the history pages, yes they became famous, but the majority of them only became famous after they died. In my mind, I stuggle with the question of "What is the purpose if people enjoy your work after you're dead?" And at that rate you're not even guaranteed that people will like what you create after you die, they could despise it just as much when you're dead as they did when you are alive.

Artistic talent I've seen, is only appreciated by a select few of people in the world today. They aren't appreciated in my mind like bankers, lawyers, teachers, doctors. Art pieces sometimes are only seen as "pretty things". I think secretly my entire life I've desired a talent that is valued by the world. But I'm beginning to walk down the path of true appreciation.

Some verses that has helped me do this is Exodus 35:30-35:

"...Then Moses said to the Israelites, "See, the LORD has chosen Bezalel son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah,and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, ability and knowledge in all kinds of crafts- to make artistic designs for work in gold, silver and bronze, to cut and set stones, to work in wood and to engage in all kinds of artistic craftsmanship. And he has given both him and Oholiab son of Ahisamach, of the tribe of Dan, the ability to teach others. He has filled them with skill to do all kinds of work as craftsmen, designers, embroiderers in blue, purple and scarlet yarn and fine linen, and weavers—all of them master craftsmen and designers..."

In no way, by posting this am I trying to be boastful or arrogant. That is not the intent of my heart. I'm just excited that I've finally found a way for my pieces to be eternal. By giving to the Sudan, my artwork and the proceeds go to help save lives. For the first time in my short life, I feel like I'm making a difference, not only in the United States, not only in Sudan...but through the realm of Heaven.

big nerd...bookworm....or albert einstein?

2008-03-12T15:08:00.002-04:00

Matt and I were talking the other day on the car ride to my parents about how others may view me. The sun was shining sooo brightly, even though the ground was blanketed with snow. The heater in the car was on full blast, despite the objections of the driver. And it was a lazy Sunday afternoon.

I brought up the topic of my characteristics, the things I enjoy doing, and how others may view me because of my personality. I started to list some things that I enjoy doing and on paper, may disguise me as:

1.an old lady trying to occupy my time
2.a child who just can't put a book down
3. or someone without a life, and tries to fill up her life with things to do.
4. or someone that's really cool that has an exciting private life, and thinks others are missing out.

Now before you start objecting, or agreeing....let me tell you the list of things that I enjoying doing. Be warned, they may sound odd. But I like them.

1. cross stitching
2. reading
3. finding new crafts to try out
4. scrapbooking
5. knitting until my shoulders get too tight and I can't feel my biceps and triceps
6. making unique cards and notes from the mounds of scrap paper I won't dare throw away.
7.looking for houses online...and not just any kind of houses...ones that have CHARACTER. Builders nowadays just don't seem to grasp that concept anymore. I think it's slipped out of their vocabulary.
8.hanging out with my dog, enjoying our many conversations, even if it is only a wag of the tail, and a tilt of the head.
9.reading and more reading
10.riding my bike with my basket on the front

Now, please let me explain!! I know that I may sound like the dullest, insecure person who doesn't have a life!! But I think my life is pretty exciting despite the fact of how it may appear. I LOVE to read. The other day a friend asked why Matt and I walked to the library. I just looked at her completely stunned. It was as if she had never heard of a library before and if she had, was completely unaware of the treasure it holds. Think about it, really think about. Look at all those books. Each telling a different story. When you read, it opens up your imagination. It allows you to go places that others aren't going. Even thought Matt and I don't have a whole lot of money to travel to distant places, I'm going to a new place everytime I sit down with my coffee on the couch, my familiar pillow behind my head, and my fleece blanket tucked under my feet. I'm going somewhere YOU aren't going. I'm traveling alot!!

Knitting and cross-stitch you say?! Love it! I love creating things that were never there before. I've already created over 3 large cross-stitch images (over 8" x 10") and I hope to create more in the near future. I'm working on one of a Sudanes girl and I hope at the auction at Ginghamsburg this Christmas it will raise alot of money for The Sudan Project. It may be considered a "lost" or "old folks" craft, but I think I'm changing lives by it. The money from the selling of the picture could save someone's life.

I may be boring, an old fuddyduddy, but I find my life exciting. Some days I get really down on myself, the frustrations and hurts that are in our lives currently. But I'm makin it one stitch at a time, one page after another. Life really is exciting!

...protesters...

2008-02-15T12:41:00.003-05:00

Just a couple of weeks ago, on Saturday February 03, 2008, Matthew and I witness something that was so humbling and awe inspiring just outside of our apartment.

I'm sure you have all seen it on the news. Maria Lauterbach. A fallen Marine at the hands of another. Her life taken by someone who didn't value her life like it should of been valued.

That Saturday morning, we watched out of our window, in the early morning in our pjs, the procession of Maria. It was dreary, gray skies. Quite fitting for a funeral.

The previous days leading up to her funeral, we head many rumors of individuals coming from Kansas to protest. We saw police cars much more frequently, which is quite shocking because we live next to the police station. We were rerouted to our apt by several other roads to avoid congestion. There were barracades at the end of our street.

I was particularly disturbed on our way to shopping the Thursday of her viewing. St.Christophers Church is at the end of our road, and joins on the other side to Interstate 75. We were approaching 75 that night, and there at the church were many tv stations, new reporters, and sky high attenta towers capturing every moment. Matt and I took some time to talk about what we had just saw. I thought of her family, her friends, those that knew her in some form or another. I thought of what they might be thinking seeing their dear friend Maria, being broadcast all over the country, her life, her mistakes, her families grief, and the way that she died. All I could do was stare in disbelief. Why is the media so interested in the grief of others, and what is wrong with me that I actually listen? The more I thought of this, the more I looked back over the funerals that I have attented of those that were so close to me. I didn't see cameras. Nothing was broadcasted. I was able to grieve and remember in peace. Why didn't we give that to them?

But back to that Saturday morning. It was a sombering sight. A trail of motorcyclists, aptly named the Patriot Guard, followed the hearse, guarding her body with everything they had. They proudly waved the American flag, showing their support for the American Military. Following were the family and friends that loved her so dearly. It took me back to my grandfathers funeral. He served in the military, he fought for America, was wounded, and received a purple heart for his efforts. I was six when he passed away and I remember so clearly, like it was yesterday, hearing the 21 gun salute. At first it scared me, because at the time I didn't know what it meant, or why they were doing it. I saw the armed men fully dressed in uniform carrying their guns. But I didn't know what they were doing. While the shots were being set off, all I could do was cry. Every funeral after this, when I hear those shots, I cry. Even if I didn't know the person very well. ... It's a final salute, a final goodbye full of honor and respect.

But later, I read in the newpaper of the protesters across the street from the church. Matt and I hadn't went out that morning, so we didn't see them. But the things that I read and saw on the news infuriated me.

Members of a fundamentalist Kansas church, standing out in the freezing cold with horrific signs stood looking at the attenders, screaming insults and hate across the street. They believe that it is their duty to protest military funerals out of the belief that the war in Iraq is punishment for the nation’s tolerance of homosexuality. It just doesn't make sense to me.

It reminds me of a book that I read a couple of years ago. In the book Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell, he talks about his church in Michigan. He started to hear from others and notice himself that in their parking lot, cars were having difficulty leaving in an orderly manner. Some in his congregation were swearing and giving each other the finger in the parking lot right after the sermon. A couple of Sundays later, Rob got up in front of his church and said (paraphrasing). "If you can't act like Jesus in your own church's parking lot, we'd rather you not attend here. If you aren't going to try to live out the call of Jesus right outside of your church, please do not come back. You're ruining it for the rest of us."

Those protesters were exercising their right to free speech, even though it was disregarding the people who made it possible for everyone to have that free speech. But I wonder what Jesus thought of their actions. We all make mistakes, we all do things that grieve Jesus. But I wonder how Jesus feels when people like those protesters feel that it is their right to tell others that Jesus hates them for who they are. How does He feel when people attach his Holy name to things like this?

I thought of all the people that drove by these protesters getting on the highway. Did they see them and know that they were from a church, and catagorize other Christians as being like this too? Do I ruin the reputation of Jesus as well by my actions?

Stop ruining it for the rest of us....live the call of Jesus, love as Jesus loves.

....fun on a saturday night....

2008-02-05T13:44:00.000-05:00

Last Saturday night, our great friends Faye and Scarlet were in town from the great university of BG. A time like this is not something that you pass up.

You see you have to understand these girls, the relationship that we had with them their freshman year, and our junior year in college at Bowling Green State University. I remember the day that I met Faye so clearly it's like it was yesterday. It was Tuesday night, in the Student Union, 8:00pm to be exact. We were at our fusion group with H2O. I remember seeing Faye come in with her Piqua tie dyed shirt on. She had spiky blond hair and she just looked FUN! Matt and I went up after the group and introduced ourselves, and soon after that Thursday night cards were a norm. We went to her dorm in Founders to pick her up, trying so desperately to avoid her moody roommate who partied way too much and had a deep obsession with Orlando Bloom. (which Matt ruined her poster by putting a bow on his "gorgeous face", which ultimately got ripped in her fit of rage as she plucked it off his nose). We would then go the Matts(seriosuly 3 of them) and Andrew's apt to play cards. Play good ol "Hand and Foot'. Those were the days way to many people crammed in a way too small apartment with windows opened in the dead of winter, with the ring leader, Faye, teaching everyone how to play cards....

Last weekend we went up to her parents house, rocked it out on Guitar Hero!!! ate dinner, took this amazing picture, and then relived old memories of Hand and Foot, laughing continuously. I'm surprised her parents didn't kick us out! :)

I love these pictures of Matt and I. For one of her projects at BG Faye, had to do a reverse engineering project and we were her ready and willing subjects!! She had to do the cover of "A Lot Like Love" and we tried desperetly to be Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet. Let me tell you, we don't look anything like them!!! We had a lot of laughs, wide eyed grins from Matthew,
teradactle fingers from me, and pee your pants funny from Scarlet trying to steady the bright spot light of a lamp.

I love this picture so much, I'm gonna have it framed. Whenever I saw this movie and saw the cover, I really didn't relate Matt and I to this couple. We don't when it comes to the story line, but the pictures on the cover encapsulate the love that we have for one anohter. One that can laugh together, show love to one another, be silly together, and show our crazy side to anyone who's willing to do anything to have a good laugh.

Thanks for capturing that side of us on film Faye...